Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

Well, the family services office is closed Friday afternoons. Figures, right? He grabbed some print outs and will read them over the weekend (hopefully). About visitation, etc. I got him to agree to $700 per month rather than $625. At first he said, "Fine, but don't push me." That pissed me off! I explained that I've never had to do this on my own and I don't want this to be harder on the kids than it has to be. I told him he made me a single parent. He said he wasn't the only one to bring us to this place. I told him he made the choice to leave. He didn't have a reply for that. He said he's worried about being able to afford his own place when that time comes. We talked it out and I even went down to $670, but he said no, he'll go for $700. I'm very glad that he agreed to that. We're going to go back to the family services office on Tuesday.

Oh, and he's going to get his own car seats for the kids over the weekend (he received his school money). We won't see him again until Monday.

I'm incorrigible. He asked if I went grocery shopping yet (he gave me more money yesterday and I mentioned that I'd be going grocery shopping...we were very low on food). I told him S and I were going to be doing just that after we were done at the family services office. He said, "You probably wouldn't want me to tag along." Eh. I let him. I was feeling pretty happy with him after he agreed to $700. I really didn't think he would. We have such strong chemistry that it's hard for either one of us to not gravitate toward each other and just talk and get along, if that makes sense. We didn't cross any sexual boundaries or anything like that. We were just friendly.

He ended up tossing a lot more food in the cart for the kids than I would have and it came out to more than I had, which is why he wanted to come along, he said, other than getting some things for himself. I laughed out loud while shaking my head and told him that we break boundaries left and right, and he said we're not like a 'normal' couple going through this. I asked him what he meant and he said that we're civil. No, we're refusing to let go of each other. Well, to be honest, I am detaching more and more as time goes on. He kept making comments (seriously, he probably made 10 comments today) about me meeting other guys. I told him to keep those thoughts to himself. He of course got teary eyed a few times, per his usual. Especially when he found out that the kids and I are going to have a pajama party tonight and bake apple bread. Pajama parties were something he and I did together before we had kids, and then we did them with the kids after we had them. S asked if he could come, and he got all teary eyed and said he had to work. Of course he wouldn't have come anyway.

The more I force myself to look at this situation objectively (as much as I'm able to), the more I realize that I really will be happy with or without him. I'm realizing that I have (and will have much more after I'm working and am done with school and I make more internal improvements on myself) so much to offer someone. If he refuses to see that, it's truly his loss, and it's out of my hands, so I don't feel bad about it. Sometimes you have 2 great people, but that doesn't mean that they're great for each other. In the back of my mind I always used to wonder if he and I would be better off as friends. I remember about 8 months after we first got together I tried breaking up with him and told him I only felt a friend love for him. I was already tied up in the emotional affair that didn't go away for many years after that. He convinced me not to leave him, but that's when I ended up cheating on him. I was 16. Honestly, I didn't feel a burning romantic passion for him until 2-ish years ago. It felt more like I was with my best friend that I could talk to about anything, but he never excited me, if that makes sense. I didn't want to marry him. I didn't trust him, and I resented him because I needed him so much (of course that was my own doing...he never told me he wanted me to stay home, he actually encouraged me to get out into the world). He was the opposite. He felt a very fiery passion for me up until near the end. He is feeling it again now that he's seeing my changes, but of course fiery passion does not equal the long-lasting love that you feel for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Oh, and he's often hanging out with a 20 year old dude he works with. Come on! I told him to quit hanging out with immature kids (I was laughing). He said he wishes he could make more mature friends, but he hasn't met any. He starts school on Monday. I'm sure he'll meet lots of new people then. Woo hoo Yeah, I think of him meeting other females. It does hurt. Just like it hurts for him to think of me meeting guys. It'll be good to not see him at all this weekend. I'll be taking the kids to the movies This will be my first evening with them in a few days. It makes me appreciate them more, kwim?