Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[labug]

That is interesting. Especially that you say you were avoiding confrontation, because it seem like a very confrontational thing to do. CES and I are on the opposite side of this and I'd love some advice on how to get past it.

Not confrontational at all-it's actually passive-aggressive, all the frustrations and anger come out sideways. Have you read the book CoDependent No More? If not, it might be helpful for you.

I think not being able to ask for what you need is a big problem. For my wife, it comes down to not believing you'll get what you need. She may not want me to do something with S that I did with D, but since I let her down before, won't consider that I will heed her wishes. So she won't ask, but instead boil over with anger until she's twitching with rage and has a tantrum - and at that moment, during the tantrum, I finally figure out what the anger is over.

It's going to take time + consistent change for her to believe you won't let her down. What kind of things did you let her down on?

This would be easier if I could just read minds.

Wouldn't everything?

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Look at what your W is saying for any kernals of truth, things you can work on because that's all we can do.

You say you weren't making things up, but I bet your H felt like you were. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! He certainly did and I didn't take the times he brought it up seriously enough. Yes, kernels of truth are in there. I feel like I'm on the bomb squad when I'm wading through a seemingly irrational outburst and all of the distorted thinking to find the truth. It's nerve wracking. I have to keep her talking, despite the attacks, and try to find some meaning before she explodes.

I would do something similar to what I mentioned to ces-stop the "conversation" and say "I love you and I want to hear your complaint but I'm leaving until we can both talk calmly."

I wish I could get my W to uncork all the pain and let it out.

That's hard because it's really scary. Probably fear, fear that you won't understand, fear that you will reject her or fear that she's unlovable. Another great book, How to Change Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

Is she in IC?

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Does your W have depression? Is it being treated?

Hmmm. I would ask this: Does any WAW dealing with the pressure of tearing their own family apart because they feel they don't have any other choice ever not have depression?

There are several types of depression, major, chronic, situational, undiagnosed and/or untreated depression is probably the culprit in many of our sitches. Part of my problem was that I was so depressed, tho functional, that I really didn't care anymore. Everything irritated me and I was constantly unhappy. Now that I am so much better it's scary how really sick I was.

Hope this is helpful.