Just got back from flying yesterday. It was good to get out of town for a few days, temperatures have been below zero for the last week. Thought I would update my situation.
My W is in TN with her parents. Her mom's birthday is tomorrow and she is going to surprise her. She is also going to HNL next month with her mom.
Sandi2, you asked if she was a controller. When I discussed some of the texts my wife had sent me on Xmas with my counselor, she read me some symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. She was careful not to diagnose anything but said my W certainly tries to control me with anger.
We have since discussed some things in the past that I hadn't put together. I viewed them as isolated incidents but looking back they seem to be a precursor to the behavior today. Soon after we were married, my W was upset (I don't remember the reason) and she kicked the side of my truck in. There was another time when she threw all my clothes over the balcony while yelling at me. Back in 2003, she told me she grew her wedding ring out in the field because she didn't want it anymore. It turned out that she really didn't, she just wanted to get at me (again, I don't remember the reason for the argument).
My W has certainly had her reasons to be upset with me, and I am continually wiling to accept responsibility for my faults. However, these reactions do seem a little extreme. There have been more. While talking with a friend and his wife relating some of these incidents, they stopped me and said this is not normal behavior. His wife said this is not how a relationship deals with problems.
My father is a mixture of George Patton and Archie Bunker. He is 86 years old and from that greatest generation. My brother and I were yelled at a lot growing up. I soon learned to do anything to not make my father angry.
Now I feel the same with my wife. I think I've felt that way for awhile. I know that maybe I turned to work as a refuge from home because I was tired of always being wrong.
I'm not making excuses, I really wish I had handled this better. I didn't communicate well with my W. I've read "The Passion Trap", and I can relate from the "one down" perspective in our relationship.
Back to her parents; she didn't talk to her parents for about a year. This past summer she finally called and said she missed talking to her mom. Her mom and her have had a rocky relationship. She is the only daughter and is the youngest. Her parents and I don't have a good relationship, at least for a while. When we were first married, we got along fine. I loved going to their house and spending time there. My W's family are all military, Army or Air Force. We had a lot in common. It was when I made the decision to leave the military and we started to do well financially that I sensed a change.
It doesn't help either that my W would express all of our arguments/problems to her mom. Of course now that she wants a divorce they said it is about time, "he doesn't treat you well" etc. They have swooped right in to save the day. They have never been that involved with my 2 sons, but now they want to fly them down to spend time in TN or FL with them.
The fact is though, her mom exhibits some of the same anger issues. She likes to control her family with her money. She has always tried to buy everything for her grandchildren. We have lived in ANC for 4 years, yet they never made an attempt to come see their daughter or grandsons.
I told my Db coach that I've been the only one in the family that has stood up to her. Only when I had to but she was out of line with my two sons on occasion and I let her know it( and my W backed me up too). So now I'm the black sheep. It is interesting that my MIL has had problems with both of her DIL's. They have never been good enough for there sons.
I guess where I'm going with this is my W is back with her family and I feel they will only enforce her negative views toward me.
It is interesting that whenever my W has been out of town, the contact is minimal. Yet when I went to fly, she wanted to make sure she said goodbye on the phone. Texted me "have you landed yet", texted from work, etc. She even texted to be careful and stay dry. That was the first expression of concern toward me in a long while.
When my wife was packing for her trip I was downstairs but could still her her talking. She wasn't talking to anybody, just out loud. Swearing mostly. I started counting, she said the F word over 50 times. It was a continual stream of "F this", "F me", "F you", "I hate my "F" life", "I don't know what to F**ing wear" etc. Again, I wasn't in the room nor did she know I was downstairs and could hear her. Wow!
My wife started having hot flashes a year ago, and her period has stopped and started. She is either menopausal or peri-menopausal.
We are empty-nesters, and our sons are fairly far away.
She turns 49 next month, it, along with cancer, certainly have made her acutely aware of her mortality.
We live in a place she hates, and she is leaving for Dallas. Although it doesn't seem like she is in any hurry to leave.
As my DB coach said, I'm in the middle of the perfect storm.
Both Sandi2 and 25, you have said there is hope, or positive signs anyway. Sometimes I feel that way, but other times I feel that she is done. She has such a negative view of me, I don't know how to overcome it.
DB coach said it was okay to do GAL things, what do I have to lose? She going to be upset no matter what you do, so do what you want.
I'm going to take some classes online and study for the GRE, then start my masters. It is something I've wanted to do for a while now. I need to start moving forward with my life ad come to grips with the fact that she may not be part of it.
So what happens when and if she goes to Dallas? Does time away help or hurt the situation? She claims when she is away she doesn't miss me, we don't have a relationship and haven't had for a while. Is this true or her manipulating me again?(Nothing you hear and 50% of what you see right).
After divorce, 25, how do I sweep her off her feet unless she wants me too? Is that something that happens, divorce and re-marry? Will she get to TX and realize maybe I wasn't so bad after all? I'm not counting on it.
I really love my wife. I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. But not this relationship. We need to start a new and better relationship. I know I can be and have been a much better husband.
Right now I feel like I'm in love with a Momma Grizzly who has lost her cubs. I warily keep my distance, but wanting to get closer. But every time I move closer, I get mauled. (Alaskan metaphor)
