i was thinking the same thing on my drive back from dropping off S at school. i feel like an empty shell of my former self. i was trying to figure out how i fill up that shell again?
i understand the panic attacks. i have them too. my antidepressants have not yet kicked in. i'm trying to keep myself busy but it's not easy. hang in there.
as for the family photos.. you don't have to deal with them right away. unless you feel ready to do so. in the next few weeks, i'm going to try and make small changes around the home to make me feel more comfortable. just enough to make me know that life goes on. putting up pictures i've been meaning to.. maybe painting a few rooms.. we'll see.
if you can get away.. go see your family. i know you said you feel drawn towards your MIL but i suspect it's because you want to feel a connection to H. sometimes i feel the same. as though i want to contact them because then i would still be the DIL and maybe they will talk some sense into H etc. but, i am leaving it as is. don't want H to be able to use it against me that i am forcing myself into his life through his family. go be with the people you know will love and support you.
keep posting!
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
BF- Thanks for the company on this shaky bridge trying to get to the other side
Thanks for helping me keep my thoughts in check and stay focused on what I really need to do right now. I'm not ready to take the photos down- I just felt like I *should* to make a statement to H. I really don't want him to take everything out of the house- at least he has a reason to still come over and gives me a chance to show off my DB skills- pathetic attempts, huh?
I never thought about want wanting to visit MIL because of a connection to H- maybe that's a sub conscience thought...but thanks for making me thing about it. In reference to your earlier post- YES! I would LOVE to GAL with you and the kids
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
If you want to show off your DB skills -take the pictures down. It took me a while but eventually I did as well.
I believe one day I will put them back up!!
I hated looking at pictures of my H smiling next to me. Also I think it would help your sitch and H would feel like you are moving on.
Every time your H sees the pictures he will feel pressure. We need to take the pressure off.
Just think of it as temporary redecorating.
Go to an ALanon Meeting! It doesnt matter that alcohol is not the issue here. You will meet so many wonderful woman and it will be easier to share with them because they are not acting like their lives are perfect (Like our neighbors)
I have really distanced myself from causal neighbors who I am not sharing with and have found a whole group of wonderful supportive woman who I can have play dates with.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
bklyn- thanks so much for the photos support! I took down 1 or 2 a few days ago- I didn't think H would notice.... but he did. He saw them laying on the hall table, and gave me a sad look as he picked them up. I simply said: "they hurt too much." (probably not my best DB answer, but I was compelled to be honest in that moment)
I'm working up my nerve to re-do my whole display in the living room (about 26 frames.) I'd like to do it quickly, without leaving the wall blank for a while- so S6 doesn't notice.
============= I want to crawl out of my skin!! I can't get my heart to stop racing (I took of my monitor because it wouldn't shut up!)
I had to meet H at the AT&T store to fix something on our account. He came right from work- in his uniform (I've always been a sucker for him in uniform- it was cruel!) At the store for only about 15 minutes- he never stopped texting and barely said 2 words to me. He walked the kids out to my car. [today is the first day of our new custody arrangement- it's his weekend off from the kids, and as scheduled- he won't see them until Wednesday night. We have been trying to figure out our 'family' event for the weekend because he said he didn't want to go 5 days without seeing them.] I asked if he had confirmed his plans for the weekend (he had mentioned that he wanted to take the boys to a new friend's house)- he said not yet.
(this is tedious, but important) We agreed to do a family breakfast on Sat. He suggested he comes over at 9, I pointed out that the boys wake up at 6 and it would be hard not to feed them for 3 hours. I suggested 8. (here's where it got strange)... H said:"Fine. Why don't you just make the plan and tell me what it is because I suggested a time and you have to go off and point out all thats wrong with it. It's really frustrating!" (his voice was raised and he had anger in his eyes.) I said: "Is there something else bothering you? That seemed like an extreme response for this conversation. I didn't mean to upset you, I was trying to point out that an earlier time would be better for the boys." H said: "Fine. Whatever. I'll be there at 8." and walked to his truck and left.
Does this seem extreme?? I probably shouldn't have made my comment about his reaction.... but I was really surprised. Nothing happened at work today that would have put him in a bad mood- so this reaction was all about what I said.
He got off work early today- that's why we were able to meet at the store. I know that he doesn't go to the gym until 6 (3 hours from now), so maybe he was irritated because I was keeping him from *her* (which makes me want to throw up! Instead of choosing to spend some time with his boys, he's running over to her house to hang with her kids and her! (I could be projecting, but it seems like a likely action)
I'm so pissed I could spit nails!!! He has taken my boys to her house the last 2 nights, while he went to the gym- what kind of "in charge for the night' is that?!?!? And now that he had a chance to be with them 1:1, he runs away!
He said one time, that he doesn't want to be in *this* house with the boys. He would rather take them over to hers so they can have friends to play with AND because he would rather be over *there*.
Is this typical WAS actions?? This is new for my H. It seems as though he's pulling away more now that he's confessed his feelings for OW.
I don't like feeling so out of control with my emotions!! I really feel that I need to get away so I can collect myself back to a place where I can *enjoy* my daily life again. I want to laugh and smile again. I've been very impatient and short tempered with the kids- and that's not fair to them at all.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
This is the Universe saying "You need to GAL more, so you don't pay attention to songs that are NOT connected, lyrically or situationally, to you, Nor are they aimed at you. Go be happy."
Love, the Universe
This was for me too! Purg, just joined the DB site and I am reading your story. You guys (25 - you are HILARIOUS) are keeping me from being on the edge of the ledge!
It should make you feel better that he is acting so odd. It shows you that he is sick right now. This is his disease.
My H did similar things. Said how much he wanted to see the kids but then choose guy things instead. This is some form of a mid life crisis, and they want to be juvenile kids.
You can not point out to them that they are acting childish you need to support them. I know it crazy!! But OW is telling him how great he is. She is telling him is super to go to the gym vs. spend time one on one with his kids. You just need to fake that its a good idea.
My H went to Florida for the 3rd time in 6 months this weekend to paddle board. Meanwhile we are now paying two rents. It is insane. But I told him that he it was so cool that he knew how to paddle board.
Regarding his reaction to breakfast - he is looking for ways to say that you are controlling. Yes he was over reacting but you need to try your best to get him not to over react. He needs to justify his behavior and is grabbing at straws. dont give him any.
My H wanted to take us for breakfast one morning at 10A. I hesitated for a second but then I said "sounds great". I feed the kids a good breakfast at 6:30 and then they ate crap with H at 10a.
You need to tell H everything he does is great because OW is telling him that.
I know it makes no sense.
Hang in there. Kill 'em with kindness, for your boys
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Please re-read that post I wrote to you a few days ago--the one with the DB coach's advice about "Applauding loudly for th 1% positives" they do
and losing the anger.
As you can see already, your anger is hurting YOU AND YOUR kids...NOT him or OW... the angrier you are - the more validated they are. So work on that my friend...
Get those reassuring calming mantras down pat and SAY them...til you believe them. Then let that inner belief radiate from you. It's healthy, and attractive.
I'd see your own family for a trip home and maybe some old high school peeps. It does wonders to see friends who have known you since you were 5 and still like you and automatically support YOU...very warm and fuzzy.
If you want to keep in touch with his mom-hey she is the kids' grandma...but don't become her bff at this point in time. Looks way too much like manipulation and goes against a lot of the "rules"...
you need to GAL so you don't obsess. Get anti-anxiety meds if you need them---do not call your h for your panic attacks. No way... What can you JOIN or ATTEND this weekend that is for you?
Also do NOT make the mistake of assuming all of your h's interactions with OW are positive and lovely. I doubt her kids think this is all groovy. Her 16 y/o must be reeling...where's HER dad? They are only now entering the reality phase and with that, comes some ugly stuff...give it time.
okay back to YOU...so, how are you going to be busy this weekend or take care of you?
And as for the control issues and your h's anger, I think your tone has to be almost SEDATE when talking to him, b/c they hear yelling when we merely change our intonation...they don't even hear the content.
Get back on the Mother Teresa Uber Calm Zen Purgatory...and
think about changing that screen name of yours to something a tad more uplifting than eternity in limbo...and go to EE in Philadelphia, and get healthy and...
okay...that's enough for now
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wanted to let you know that your H is saying almost the exact same things as mine.
E.g.: H said: "Fine. Why don't you just make the plan and tell me what it is because I suggested a time and you have to go off and point out all thats wrong with it. It's really frustrating!" (his voice was raised and he had anger in his eyes.)
I get this if I mention ANYTHING, at all, that does not involve absolute agreement with what he says. He is primed to be furious.
Sometimes he even reacts this way to general chitchat from me.
E.g., once, while out driving, I said "Gee look at that!", referring to the car in front of us that had a huge canoe perched precariously on its roof.
H responded with "Don't worry, I'm not going to hit it. I wish you would stop criticising my driving; it really pisses me off".
Also, my H has gone through phases where he says that he doesn't want to be in *this* house.
At one point a few weeks ago, he took to sitting out on the front wall of the porch rather than coming inside when he came to see the kids. It's as if he can't cross the threshold without some strange effect taking hold of him. He has said that the house is not his (I owned it before we met) and he doesn't want to be in it.
Anyway, please know that your H's behaviours are running to script in these regards.
My new mantra for dealing with this is LAV: Listen, Accept, Validate (suggested by BM) and I keep reminding myself NOT TO ENGAGE IN DISCUSSION when I think things need to be disputed or thrashed out.
I'm with BM on this - kill 'em with kindness, because they're angry and they've checked out, and nothing in the way of resistance will do any good at all.
My H wanted to take us for breakfast one morning at 10A. I hesitated for a second but then I said "sounds great". I feed the kids a good breakfast at 6:30 and then they ate crap with H at 10a.
You need to tell H everything he does is great because OW is telling him that. I know it makes no sense.
Hang in there. Kill 'em with kindness, for your boys
This made me laugh! It's crazy how they forget that the kids wake up at the crack of dawn- and usually want food dumped in their mouths right away! I REALLY DO need to remember to agree with things he suggests to prevent him from getting defensive and angry, thanks for the reminder.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
okay back to YOU...so, how are you going to be busy this weekend or take care of you?
And as for the control issues and your h's anger, I think your tone has to be almost SEDATE when talking to him, b/c they hear yelling when we merely change our intonation...they don't even hear the content.
Get back on the Mother Teresa Uber Calm Zen Purgatory...and
think about changing that screen name of yours to something a tad more uplifting than eternity in limbo...and go to EE in Philadelphia, and get healthy and...
This is my weekend with the kids, so GAL is a little challenging. S6 is staying the night at a friend's house, so I just have the baby with me- I'm really enjoying having some 1:1 time with him (since S6 is usually fighting for my attention.) I made pigs in a blanket and we're sharing ice cream I'm going to take them to the Y tomorrow, and swim with S6. It's a challenge to find activities that both boys can participate in, and it's 42 degrees outside- so the park is out of the question.
Yes. I do need to channel my best 'mother theresa' act. I know that my anger is always just under the surface- I hope to bury it deeper while on my 'vacation' so I can come back and "be a duck": let things just roll off my back. Is it normal to be 'calm' in front of him, and then feel the adrenaline running through me as I drive away? I hope that once I am able to detach, the adrenaline won't be as bad.
Originally Posted By: NLW
Anyway, please know that your H's behaviours are running to script in these regards.
My new mantra for dealing with this is LAV: Listen, Accept, Validate (suggested by BM) and I keep reminding myself NOT TO ENGAGE IN DISCUSSION when I think things need to be disputed or thrashed out.
I'm with BM on this - kill 'em with kindness, because they're angry and they've checked out, and nothing in the way of resistance will do any good at all.
Your canoe story made me laugh! Its a perfect example of how they automatically assume we are criticizing instead of just making a comment. I'm glad mine is following the process- it's comforting (in a way) to know that I don't have a sitch that hasn't been experienced before- so I can get guidance from people that have been-there-done-that. Question: after you kill them with kindness and , how do you process away the anger/hurt?
I know I keep coming back to the same topics, thanks for not calling me silly. I accept that I am functioning in my emotional brain still- so I really appreciate the advice to keep me focused and help me get back into my rational brain. I'll get there, eventually... I can't tell you how much it means to me for you guys to continue to show care and concern for me
Would this hurt my DB efforts?
OW's B-day is next week. I had already gotten her a present before Xmas, and decided to hold onto it for her b-day. (Its a handmade piece of pottery that I made and had her girls help me paint. I really have no need for it in my house -and it's personalized with their names.) I want to give it to her- but just leave it on her porch. She would know that it's from me because it's signed on the bottom.
Should I give it to her? Why? Why Not?
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
