feeling like giving up.....former DBing against OW

[imthemom]

Thank you TT...for some reason your post just showed up this morning so I just got it...

I agree that I should stay positive..just really trying to keep my expectations at a minimum...my heart cannot take much more from him. And if I was to find out that all this new attention was because of the money, i would be hurt to say the least...

I guess Im scared...but I am not going to let fear make decisions for me anymore....

as john wayne would say "thats mighty bold talk for a one eyed fat man"...LOL!!

[Nblost]

Hi ITM,
I feel your pain. So hard to trust their motives and that you are seeing some signs of improvement. I think it does seem encouraging versus how your H was before.

Hang in there!

[imthemom]

S14 is at Hs house this weekend, so its laundry day. While getting laundry out of his room I found one of his dads work shirts. He must have brought it home by accident from his dads house.....The smell of him on that shirt literally brought me to my knees...I cried for an hour. I havent been close enough to H to smell, touch or for that matter barely speak for MONTHS. I didnt realize how much i missed him. The physical reaction I had when I smelled him on that shirt was shocking....I wanted to throw up...just venting, exhausted from crying...I guess you cant always be strong and detached...

[imthemom]

Journeling, Venting..what ever you want to call it...

Long weekend, Didnt have much planned because I wanted to get caught up around the house, so did alot of chores and laundry..My S28 called and took me to dinner Saturday night so that was nice. We got to chat and get caught up, and he brought my bday present over(yeah, a little late ..boys!!) Funny little story..Friday after H had picked up S14, he called and said they had forgot the cord to his game and he was going to run over and get it..mind you im just home doing laundry. I ran and put on the sexiest dress I ownded and my 4 inch hooker shoes and lots of perfume...LOL!! when he got there i answered the door said "you almost missed me, im leaving in a few minutes"...of course H didnt even acknowledge that I was dressed up but it was better then answering in sweats!!..LOL!! I had been talking to my BFF on the phone, i called her back and we laughed for like 30 minutes.

Got up Sunday and did a 5 mile run, Im working on getting back up to 5 days a week like I use to but there are some mornings I just cant make myself do it...I always feel so good after so Im trying to remember that, and Ive started back with my Crossfit gym..got in there 2xs last week and going today after work, my norm there was 4xs a week so Im getting there..:) My deadlift [censored] now so I have some catching up to do..before this I had gotten up to a 200lb deadlift...I couldnt even get that off the ground last week..bummer.

H is still becoming increasingly friendly...He even came in and helped me fix a door on Sun. when he dropped S14 off. we worked together and laughed and chatted, but then Monday I was upset because I found out he lied to S14 and told him he had to work so he couldnt stay at his house an extra night. I knew he had the holiday off and figured it was because the ow usually comes over on sun. nights after S14 has been there all weekend. I text him and called him on it and he admitted that he shouldnt have lied..I made a really crappy comment about the fact that hes sober and has made so many changes (he says that all the time)..I said lieing, cheating and manipulating...great changes on your part..you should be so proud. I know..not the best but it did start a convo..he didnt respond but called about an hour later and we had a good long talk about the fact that calling him on that made him realize that he has lots of stuff to still work on,and he is a work in progress, that he never ment to cause the pain he has caused and he knows I dont deserve this. He ended by saying that he really enjoyed helping me with the door, it reminded him of good times with us. and that he does think of us...I take all of this with a grain of salt...he is still seeing ow, so I dont think he feels that horrible about the pain he caused..hes still causing it. And I really wish this had come at a differnt time and not right after settelment papers had been drawn up and he was so shocked at the amount he would have to pay.
Im glad I called him on it..I feel like I have to set boundries on what Im going to enable him to do. but I do need to work on my delivery...LOL. still working on detaching...I know, it doesnt sound like it but I am...vision is getting clearer..I think...

[imthemom]

Went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night...
It was a real eye opener and I feel like I have found a new family. Im going to another on Friday night that has an Al-Ateen right across the hall and S14 is going to attend that.
my only regret is that I did not find this group when H first started his recovery.....maybe things would have been different, or maybe not but I would have a lot more understanding of the disease and why he is the way he is....kinda sad...

[mishka422]

Where oh where is that darned 'LIKE' button.

[imthemom]

Going to second Al Anon meeting tonight while S14 attends Al Ateen across the hall. kind of excited to see his reaction..I was so relieved after my first meeting. Im wondering what he will take away from it.

Havent heard much in response to any of my recent post but have a dilemma that im facing and thinking threw...would like to get some other perspectives on it.

H finally called after looking at settlement papers and wanted to talk about them. I told him I didnt feel comfortable talking to him about the financial stuff, he should call my L. but he ended up getting me into a conversation that mainly consisted of him telling me how he couldnt live on what he would be left with if he paid me what the state is saying he should pay. Im trying really hard to not be spitefull but i have a hard time forgetting how xmas went with my kids, and how we are living now which is pretty much still hand to mouth.
He made an offer that was probabley not reasonable..i have to check some things. Im going to have to start paying for medical out of my paycheck and other things.

Heres my dilemma...H wanted this D. I tried my best to stop it and he was firm from the beginning. I still dont want it. Im working on the fact that I enabled him for the past 17 years and I dont want to do it anymore. If I agree to lower the amount, am I not enableing him again? He created this situation and then out of guilt im makeing it easier for him. Thats what it feels like...should he not have the full concequence of his actions like everyone else? I want to be the bigger person, i dont want to be spitefull. Or am i just afraid he will be mad at me if i dont agreee to lower the amount...theres the $100 question....He has been very friendly and borderline flirty with me...it crushes my heart to think that he is doing it to get what he wants, but the would be typical Alcoholic behavior..and he is definatley in the middle of a dry drunk.
thinking out loud...
would appreciate any feed back at all...

[mishka422]

If I agree to lower the amount, am I not enableing him again?

Bingo! You just answered your own question.

The state has a formula for a reason sweetie. It's to protect families. If you were making more then the formula would change the amount of support you were entitled to. This is not a complicated issue. It's a very simple, black and white thing. You are not being spiteful. You did not set the formula. It is what it is. If you chose to take less then you lose all protection that the formula gives you and your kids for standard of living.

Stand strong woman! Like you said, he wanted this so this is the consequence. He will pay what the state says he'll pay and that will mean that he has to adjust his standard of living the same way you have. Too bad for him.

[MynameisMZ]

Hey girl!

Yeah! What miska said....AND if he is being nice just because of the money...well, then you would kick yourself all the way to I don't know where if you do reduce it. Someday you will look back and be uber strong and glad you stood your ground.

I mean this is a duh thing for me to say, but here goes....humans are not naturally monogamous. We choose monogamy. Finances always drives our social structure.

There was a great series on a Discovery (?) channel about 13 or so years ago. I think it was called the Science of Sex.

[imthemom]

I know it sounds ridiculouse for me to even consider it...He has not felt any remorse for leaving us high and dry and has repeatedly told me no when I have asked for help. And when I think about the fact that he has the nerve to call crying to me of all people about how hard it will be for HIM.....
But then I know myself, and Ive thought that the amount they came up with was kind of over the top from the first time i saw it, but my L said that the computer doesnt lie, she double checked the numbers for me. Im so freaken co dependent that Im worried about how hes going to react when I say no, im not going to take less. Even though ive been telling myself that Im not going to have any expectations from all this attention he has been giving me, i obviousley have because Im terrified to find out that it was all crap!!..and he was jerking me around...and then Im back to being crushed again.
OR...its not and he will just except the fact that this is what he wanted and these are the consequences for what he wanted...I told him i would look at some things and let him know if I would except his offer...i dont know if I should just have my L call him or send him an email and just say hey, i know you think its a lot but its out of my hands and I have to look out for me and S14 now. I am just going to take my time...decide how I want to respond. Im not in a hurry to jump on this right now...