DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 2)

[kolja]

Its incredible to see so many parallels in sitches here. We live seperatley now. Though it is easier to give space and detach, its frustrating because she does not see me and my physical/emotional changes. I'm not the first or the last, but I hope I can be as patient as Rick was.

Yeah, I certainly hope that all of us who are still in the early stages of things and see parallels to where Rick started out can CONTINUE to run parallel to his story!

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Good point Kolja.

[rickb89]

2TP, Monkey man, Kolja, ces67, Purg - thank you all for your input and insights which help me greatly.

Grump Monk said something about how patient I was. Actually, I am finding that I continue to need lots of patience as W and I enter this new phase of this sitch. And I have realized that there are phases to this and it helps me and maybe will help all of you to recognize that there are phases and the worst phase when the bomb drops is only a phase, before the next one.

But as to patience I am seeing that I will require what may be called patience for what may be the long haul going forward. And is it patience or that for me I recognized that despite the sitch I love my W, I want her to heal in her breakdown, to have whatever time is needed which I am fine with because I know she's going through something major, and I "want to" put her first in that I can certainly put aside some of the immediate gratification of the day to day M benefits for the sake of the woman I love.

As far as a timeline goes, and if it helps all of you to see how it was for me, here's how it went. The bomb dropped in March for both of us. I had seen my W struggle enormously with her demons and issues for 24 years (since we were kids). I knew the day would come when her issues would reach critical mass for her as an individual and as a W/partner, and I knew my own issues needed a lot of work. Over the years I reacted to many of her issues as best I could but over the years my own issues lead me to react in ways that also were not productive in a M. All in all our communication went down the toilet, and it really affected our sense of well being.

I knew that I had to do something and I decided that I would talk to her and see if we could figure out ways to handle each issue productively and that we needed to change the ways we handled things as individuals and as a couple.

At that time she was on the verge of a major psychological breakdown, and I really didn't see it coming although I knew she was really in trouble. So in March 2011 I decided to have the talk with her and it triggered the bomb. I had an agenda in mind to talk through but because we had spoken in circles for so many years we could not speak without falling into the same old miscommunication patterns. So, what I wanted for us initially backfired into the bomb, and it was awful.

I spent the next 3 mos hearing and seeing the worst of everything - M won't work, I haven't loved you for years, a complete history of what a d-bag I was and am, I want a D, her immediate lifestyle change, etc. Add to this my horrible anti-DB reactions to this all, and add to the mix what at the time appeared to be my W's A, and you had the worst 3 mos in the human history of M's.

I was freaked out around the clock, lost concentration camp type weight, etc. On a whim I went to Barnes & Noble to find a book to read on how to handle a D. I found that section and told myself that the book I need will reach out to me and to be open to that. Sure enough, the book I pulled put was the MWD DB book. I read it, and began the DB counseling in August. This may have saved me from a horrible end to a M.

In the second 3 mos of the bomb my W started saying to me that maybe there's something beyond our M that was behind her lifelong problems. She was literally suicidal in this period and it was so insanely tough to deal with all the while having our 3 sons see this go on. She kept saying "there's something wrong with me, but I don't know what it is". That's when she began seeing a psychiatrist. In this period our relationship was still a jumble. She would tell me she should move-out, I would tell her to get out (mind you the idea at the time that there was an A really did not sit well with me). The DB principles were just starting to kick in and it slowed my anger down. Her lifestyle continued to be destructive to herself and the family. Neither of us knew what to do, yet when push came to shove neither of us would leave, nor really try to have the other leave. Something was still deep in there that at least kept us in the same home even if it sukked beyond all belief. Her attitude changed somewhat to her needing to go through the psychiatric treatment, and if she could resolve a life long set of demons then maybe she could then focus on our M, but she didnlt think we could be successful.

It was in the last three months that I started blogging and met all of you fine people. I asked for brutal honesty in replies to what I was saying on this blog and people like 25yrs, Busto, WHG, Mach 1, SAIS, Brklyn, LAbug, gave me the brutal honesty back that I needed to hear as an individual. 25yrs gave me what is know as the 2"*4" treatment and I swear I was so angry at her that it took me a month to respond. But at some point I said even if I can't see how these DB things can be right I'm going to take a leap of faith and walk this walk.

It was the wisest thing I could have ever done because it opened my eyes to me, what I am in the M, how I needed to improve, GAL, detach, you know the drill. That gave me enough of a wake-up that I got to a place where I found peace with this whole sitch, and the strength and self-awareness to know how much I love my W and would leave the road home open and smooth for her. I redefined the way I looked at life ansd relationships. I found that I had gone too far down the road of evaluating things in terms of how they were good or bad for me, and foucsed on how I could be of service to others.

Along this way for me, my W was continuing dealing with a huge crisis but started to make gains. The stress started to reduce, the talks and threats about moving out and/or D stopped, we found we could be in the company of each other without it being horrendous, etc. Really in the past month or two we found that withou planning ti to be that way, we just started doing things together. At first it seemed kind of forced, but then just somehow took off. She started opening up, and our communication was like never before. We could trust each other in our conversations to listen, be patient, and go deeper into the meanings of what we were discussing. Our time together bacame incredibly fun, and everyday we seem to be getting stronger as individuals and in our dealings together. She no longer says that we are done, over, etc. Now, were in the place where the future is not stated for us, nor is it defined, but we still keep getting closer in this way every day.

Going forward, I'm not sure where this will lead. Now that the immediate affects of the bomb are behind us, and we have progressed so much as individuals I can feel and see this connection growing every day. Or, maybe the crud is falling off and what really drew us together is shining through again. Don't know for sure yet. Everyday we talk about individual issues and M issues and every time we peel another layer off the onion, but each time we do that we are progressing in a positive way. She's seeing how her life issues affected the M and family so deeply and is not letting her old reactive fears push her back down the rabbit hole. And, she is comfortable with my changes so that she opens up more and more.

Again, I don't know where this is all leading or how long her crisis/journey will continue. She has so much to unravel and I could easily see her at this for another year. With that in mind I see that she needs to answer all here questions as an individual first. So if that means she needs to continue to live in her own room (which is like a giant personal therapy room) and maintain at least that distance while she works this out and see's how she can incorporate our M back into her life then I'll continue to be with her the whole way.

[rickb89]

I'm finding that detachment, and making sure not to mind read is as much a constant challenge when the R is on a possible upswing, as much as when it was being bombed.

I pray for strength around the clock!

[labug]

Rick your bomb drop was the same month as mine and I think you and I got to the the DB board at about the same time. I have seen such growth in you. You are so much calmer now.

I applaud you and wish for all good things in the future for you and your family.

[rickb89]

Labug - thnk you so much for your posts which really help. Same to you by the way!!!!

[rickb89]

I am feeling so strong emotionally and spiritually these days yet still miss the simple pleasures of a bombless M.

My W and I continue to look to each other for enjoyment so there is something going on that seems to be pointing us in the right direction. We watched Bridesmaids last night (hysterically funny) and tomorrow I'm taking her to see the Patriots win their way to another Superbowl birth.

I'm finding this sitch to be like an out of body experience for me. Its like I am me but an invisible guardian angel me watching myself and my W go through this.

Don't ever underestimate the power of love, DB'ing and psychiatry. My W is at a point where she can finally admit the breakdown she had, the lifetime of demons she carried, and the impact it had on her, the M and family.

She has a world of rebuilding to do and it could take a real long time.

[purgatory]

I'm so happy that you've come to this phase... and it's great that you recognize that's it's no where near over- for either of you.

And soooooo jealous that you are going to the Pats game!! Brady was my QB for my fantasy team this season- he gave me some good points... but I still lost in my league Have an AWESOME time!! (and try not to freeze)

[labug]

Rick, I don't know how your W could fail to see the changes you've made and your sincerity.

[kolja]

Don't ever underestimate the power of love, DB'ing and psychiatry. My W is at a point where she can finally admit the breakdown she had, the lifetime of demons she carried, and the impact it had on her, the M and family.

She has a world of rebuilding to do and it could take a real long time.

Good stuff this, especially after the day ive had!