Confused and alone

[Accuray]

nhmom,

I've been there WRT affection in front of the kids:

I said to H "is it so hard to hug me?" and then he leans in sideways. I said "that's how you hug your mom", and then he tried a little harder. That interaction made me really sad.

I'm sure you realize you were shaming H with that exchange. "Shaming" is like poison to a man -- check out "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It", it discusses the physiological impact of shaming at length. In short, it releases "cortisol" in H's brain which makes him feel physically uncomfortable. It's nature's "fight or flight" response -- it's purpose is to make H uncomfortable so he will do something different to change the situation. Most "domestic" men's reaction is to retreat / withdraw so they don't have to face more shame.

In situations where your S is trying to make the two of you physical or affectionate with each other, and you *know* that's going to make H uncomfortable, your job is to "relieve" H for now, and change the situation up so he's not trapped. Redirect S -- distract him, or do something different that H will be comfortable with (family high-5's).

I know that sux, but as you point out, it is important to shield S as best you can from what's going on. Once again, if you're shaming / pursuing H, he will flee.

Obviously, for S's sake, H *should* have hugged you -- that's weak and cowardly not to. Given what you know however about H's state of mind, you need to take the initiative for now and be the stronger parent.

WRT anxiety, it's a killer! Eventually I couldn't take it and I went to my GP and asked for anti-anxiety meds. I got a prescription for Lorazepam without much argument. I know quite a few folks in your sitch have used that to help -- it can help you feel less anxious, but it's by no means a cure-all.

Finally, WRT H's lies giving you some relief, know this: you are stronger than you think, and you can cope better than you think you can. The shock is always the worst. H has probably been deliberating for months, but you need to catch up overnight, it's brutal!

Good luck nhmom, this is very hard, but you're doing well! Pat yourself on the back for what you've been able to accomplish and for how well you're keeping it together. You're moving mountains already.

Accuray