Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

I feel like a zombie today. I'm just going through the motions, but I'm not really *here*. It's 1:30 in the afternoon and the only things I've accomplished are:
* a shower
* breakfast and lunch for the boys
that's it.

I've been wandering around the house and picking up a little clutter here and there, then I find myself sitting on the couch clicking through the internet- and I always end up here.

I've been having panic attacks sitting still- that's a first for me. My heartbeat has spiked a few times. It's scary to think that if something really scary happened, I don't have someone to call. I used to call OW first and she would call H to meet me at the hospital, while she would drive me.... can't do either of those anymore. Part of me doesn't even want to call H to let him know.

Anyone have suggestions on what to do with family photos on the walls? We have a TON and most are various combinations of all of us. It's really painful to look at the ones of all 4 of us. My thinking has been to keep them all up for the sake of the boys- but at the same time, H has said that 'he's moving out' (not really because all of his cr@p will continue to be here and he will be here 2x per week) so technically this is *my* house... shouldn't I get to choose what pictures I have to look at? On the other hand, I don't want H to feel completely alienated here as if he never existed (keep the road home paved smooth?)

I'm all over the place today. Anger, sad, lonely. I've come to recognize how isolated I had made myself with H and OW being my only friends.... No one calls me anymore. My thoughts keep going to him and her and how they probably are talking all the time, and how he wants to be over there and not here.... I am getting better about shelving them quickly, but they still pop up.

I'm really considering a 2-3 week get away. I would love to visit all of my family, but I'm really drawn to visiting my MIL (she has been a BIG comfort to me, even though it's *her* son that causing this. She is appalled at his confession about OW.) She is a park ranger and lives in a state park- I could spend my days wandering through trails and forests or even volunteer with her in the park. I'm not sure what my plans will be, but that's just one thing floating around in my head.