Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY

[tenbusrider]

Hello all, new to the forum.

I first heard about DB a few months ago when my wife first expressed a desire to end our relationship. My B died shortly thereafter, and I did not come back or order/read the book because our M seemed to strengthen a little bit while dealing with the grief, but it inevitably went downhill again.

A little backstory (apologies if it becomes a wall of text):

W and I have been together for just over 10.5 years, married for almost 6. We have a 2YO S that we both love very dearly.

In mid-late '07, W started having an EA with a coworker. Without going into details, I noticed the signs and did not react well. We barely saw each other because of our work schedules, which led me to install a webcam that I could use from work. Creepy, I know. It's one of my greatest regrets.

When that cleared up, our relationship seemed to rebound significantly, and we began trying to get pregnant.

A few months after the pregnancy, W needed surgery to have her gall bladder removed. At around the same time, she started having serious drama with her mother. Her mood became erratic, and I first thought she was experiencing some kind of delayed post-partum depression, but then she began losing weight rapidly, was always hot even if I was cold, hands were trembling, extremely stiff in her joints. This was punctuated by fights that on two occasions became physical (in one, she attacked me, I responded with a single open-handed slap, the other was her throwing and breaking things, which led to me restraining her on the bed).

These problems were eventually diagnosed as hyperthyroidism caused by graves' disease. The situation seemed to improve a good bit once she began treatment about 18 months ago.

Some of the most commonly referenced psychological problems in hyperthyroid patients is wild mood swings, constant irritability, emotional lability, and most significantly, emotional distancing from spouse. It's been shown time and again that they will blame the spouse for all of their problems. Unfortunately, treatment with pills does not correct this for everyone.

Current situation/recent events:

I was growing very frustrated with her distancing from me, despite all my attempts to reconnect. I was doing most of the chores around the house (never cooked, though, she's way better at it than I am), but she spent most of her time on laptop or tablet and was hard to talk to.

Our finances got really tight back in Nov., and I decided to skip paying our internet bill so we wouldn't be in a worse spot. I told her that that was what needed to be done, but she paid the bill anyway. This came back to bite me by making me seriously overdrawn in the bank.

The "flashpoint" was the night it got turned back on (it had been disconnected due to non-payment). I went to bed, and after about half an hour, she did not come up (we typically went to bed at the same time). I went and disconnected the modem from the router. We wound up having a huge argument, she told me she was leaving, that the marriage was over, nothing could be done, etc. She would stay until the holidays had passed to soften the blow on my family.

A week goes by, and I make small attempts to smooth things over. This resulted in another fight, and she began demanding D. I managed to talk her down to trial separation, we agreed on a few written points (custody, finances, potential time-frame for reconciliation if any) and she moved out after Thanksgiving, instead of drawing it out all the way through the holidays.

The day she left, I made a horrible emotional scene, crying, begging her to remember that I loved her and that she could always come home. It was not one of my prouder moments, and it seemed to make her really mad at me.

Of course, this was a miserable holiday season for me. I got to see my son on a regular basis, he would stay a couple of nights at a time every few days (a product of my strange work schedule, not any malevolence on her part), but I was largely listless. I spent more time with my parents when I didn't have my son, started hanging out with friends more when I could, started seeing a psychologist and taking anti-depressants, enrolled in tai chi... a lot of GAL stuff.

The brief meetings I had with WAW were only to exchange our S and during this time were strictly business, she always seemed mad to be around me, had an accusatory and condescending attitude about almost everything that came up, and avoided eye contact. The first meeting, almost a week after she left was extremely short, and when I told her I missed her, the response was "I'm not doing this anymore".

I first heard about the 180 approach not long after this encounter. I decided to apply a few of the things it mentions, and slowly, our brief encounters became ever-so-slightly longer.

A pastor from my church called me into his office, and we spoke about the situation. He told me to stop blaming her sickness for the things that I've done wrong. It was the first time I really realized I'd been blaming her hyperthyroidism for our problems instead of taking my share of the blame, and at the same time, had been invalidating her feelings and emotions.

My dad went into the hospital a few weeks ago due to a heart-attack. When I told her what was going on, she said she'd bring our S and move back in. I told her I wasn't ready to have that discussion, but the next day, when things started to look worse for my dad, she went and did it anyway. I did not have the faculties to hold her off. I really wasn't ready, and was just starting to get a grip on turning myself around. I'm not focusing on that too much though, since I did leave the invitation to return open. When she came back, she told me she was going to get permanent treatment for her hyperthyroidism (the pills she was taking doesn't work for everyone and sometimes a more drastic measure is needed to correct it), and that she wanted to try MC.

So now for the last few weeks, she been back in the house. We sleep in separate rooms, and she showed back up at a time when I was emotionally compromised as badly, if not worse, than I was before she left. Her coming back only made it worse, as happy as I was to not have an empty house again. I'd inadvertently become a doormat while wanting to avoid doing just that.

I've been working on maintaining an even keel around her, have been purposefully avoiding discussion about M, though frankly, I was scared to have a talk about it. The slow improvement that we had during separation seemed to continue, as eye-contact returned, along with friendly discussion with jokes and laughter.

We were going to go out to get some dinner a couple of nights ago, but that didn't happen due to events with my dad (bypass surgery). I told her that I'd been wanting to talk about us. This lead to an incredibly painful discussion. She told me that she wanted to be treated like she was special, that we lacked passion, that she'd maintained her virtue so far, but wasn't sure if she'd be able to if another man started showing it to her. I asked her about MC, she said she'd go so that a 3rd party could see we were done. I didn't cry, beg, or plead, but I stood my ground and told her that I'd finally begun to see where I was wrong, that it had given me hope, and that I wanted to show her things could be different. I asked her to get treated for her condition, then try MC with me before we made any final decisions. I said that I wasn't trying to invalidate her feelings by bringing her condition up, but that it should be removed from the table before moving forward. I then asked her what she wanted to do. She said she didn't know.

Later that evening, I asked her if she was okay. She said that she was as long as I understood where she was coming from. I told her that I did. This lead to a little more discussion, during which time she told me that she didn't want to be guilt-tripped back into our relationship. I told her I did not want to do that, that I wanted the decision to be made by her on her own. I told her that I didn't think it was over until it was over, and reminded her that I loved her, but said it in a way that didn't invite a response. I walked away to check on our son, and when I came back, she looked deep in thought and a little disturbed. I asked if I'd upset her, she just said she was thinking and that I'd said what I needed to say, though I'm not sure if she meant it as I'd spoken my piece or if it was what she needed to hear.

I realized yesterday that I'd committed a big no-no by bringing the R talk up without her wanting to have it. I don't know how much damage I did in that, so after reminding myself of what I'd already resolved to do while she was out of the house, I brought it home and applied it again. Didn't push any discussion, stuck to light topics when we did talk, and generally stayed out of her way. I was left with the impression that she wasn't too deeply upset by what had happened the day before, but I've thought things like that for years. I'm just trying not to dwell on it for now.

I ordered DR today, having it shipped to my parents so W doesn't see it when it arrives. Want to keep it a secret for now.

If you made it this far through my post, I really, REALLY appreciate it. If there's any feedback or advice, I'd really love to have it. Thanks!