Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

I am sad.

I didn't even have to ask S6 about last night- he opened up and was excited about not going to the gym... he told me the whole story at breakfast. (got that sickening feeling in my stomach again)

I called H, he had just gotten to the office. I said what 25 suggested: "S6 was excited to tell me about last night, you didn't need to lie to me, it just adds insult to injury."

H: "I didn't lie. I never specifically told you that I was going to the gym with the kids. You know that my plans have always been to drop them off with (her) on wednesdays and thursdays while I'm at the gym."
M: "You're right. You never directly said 'I'm taking the kids to the gym with me', but you implied it and even continued the story when we were on the phone briefly last night."
H: "Ok, I'll give you that. I didn't lie, but I definitely avoided the subject. I don't like that I feel pressured to tell you what I'm doing, and if I had told you my plans- you would have lost it on me (like you're doing now) and harassed me all night with calls/texts because that's what you always do. You even reacted like that this weekend."
M: "This weekend was a shock to my system. And yes, I used to always act like that. Do you really feel attacked right now?"
H: "I guess not, but I don't know how you're going to react anymore. You're really upset about this whole situation, and I care about you so I didn't want to add to it."
M: "I can't predict what you're going to do anymore either- your words and actions lately are things I never thought possible from you. Did you think you were protecting me in some way?!"
H: "I guess. I could have handled the sitch better, sorry. I will not try to imply or hide things from you if you can tell me that you won't go off on me."
M: "All I can tell you is that I will do my best not to."

==============
(stupid me took over) I asked why was she ignoring me, but not him? He said that I made it very clear that if she continued a friendship with him, that I wouldn't be her friend. (I really wanted to clarify this statement- because THAT IS NOT WAHT I SAID.... but I kept quiet.) He asked why I hadn't reached out to her in some way- REALLY?!?!? Are they both stupid?!
I simply said: "I have been punched in the gut. Why would I reach out to the one who did it, looking for some kind of apology. She is the one who has made it very clear that your friendship is more valuable to her- because she has chosen not to cut off communication with you- but she has done so with me. She is telling me that the friendship she and I had is not worth fighting for. I told her what my reaction would be if this happened, and instead of making a choice that would protect our friendship, she chose to roll over and do nothing."
He said: "I can't disagree with you there."

I know that I shouldn't have told him any of that. I know that I was opening myself up too much, couldn't help it. I never yelled, or even raised my voice... in fact I was mostly on the verge of tears (but I think I hid that from him)

Not only have I lost my H, and I have to accept that he's wanting to date my friend.... I had to loose my friend through all of this. I'm mad that she's the other woman. I am also incredibly hurt that I wasn't important enough to her. If the OW was a stranger, I could deal with just being the 'bigger/better' person a lot easier (I think.) It would still hurt, but only from him.

I'm reeling from hurt from both of them, and she doesn't even have the guts to try and reach out to me to apologize or try to rectify this in some way (not that I would change my mind) but at least I would know that I was worth the fight.

I feel really unimportant right now.

[sayitaintso]

(((Purg))) Sorry you are feeling so down. I think you can take some positives from that initial discussion that you quoted above. You guys communicated well and their are some things in there that your H voiced for you to really take to heart and work on.

A lot of us on here don't have much communication with our WAW and don't know what they are thinking and what annoys them or triggers them so I would write down his complaints/concerns and try to work on those issues as best as you can.

You realize that you should of cut it off after you said you will do your best which is a great sign. Don't beat yourself up over it. This obviously is extremely difficult but keep moving forward in trying to be the best person you can be. It will get better with time and it will begin to snowball if you can start to focus less on OW and more on you.

Wishing you the Best!!!

[BklynMom]

First of all your H and this OW are jerks!! They are pathetic. I am going to call your H John Edwards from now on.

Anyway, they are going to do anything to justify there position. ANything you say will be used as proof that you are crazy and hard to deal with.

Sounds like you backslide only slightly. You should be very proud of yourself. Keeping your cool under these circumstances is nearly impossible.

I do not think you should call or text the OW. Maybe start a letter to her and at some point in the future you could send. But I think however you do end up communicating with OW, you should not open up to her in an honest way. You should kill her with kindness.

You have an opportunity now that its out in the open to continue to act chill.

I know I have asked you before but a family member cant come stay with you for a few days or you and kids go visit someone?? I feel like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to be there for your kids, this is a traumatic event and you need someone to help take care of you.

[25yearsmlc]

Purg

first let me just say...O U C H!! AND--- WTF??

okay that's out..now, to talk more constructively!!


I don't think the talks went badly.

You got him to revise two things off the bat when he said

" I can't disagree with that" AND apologizing for hiding stuff & promising to change IF you stay calm. I loved your question "Do you feel attacked now?"

that was a perfect way of defending yourself WITHOUT escalating...and if he'd said yes, you could ask him how he would like you to express things...what tone helps HIM to take in the content of what you say...not sarcastically but with sincere curiousity b/c I think he's still holding the past over your head
so

given the givens, realistically the call went as well as it could have. Do you see that?

Your h doesn't know the awakenings you have had yet, though he senses them and they confuse him, b/c he THOUGHT he had this figured out.

The goal of the lbser at the start, is to undermine their predictions about how badly you'll react and

to counter their negatives with positives...

So Now, keep up the new way of handling things.

As for the POS OW??

Nothing you say will make a difference in your favor.

Silence is doing a good job making the point without making you lose it in front of her.

I can't imagine that you are ready, YET, to face her and NOT get emotional. So I think a one on one would set you back, ---at this time---that could change

but for now, silence is your ally.

I believe talking with her and not being perfectly saintly (saintliness takes time. Just Ask us Catholics why Mother Teresa is still just a "great gal" and not a saint...yet)

and I can assume it would somehow be used either against you or to help her feel like a victim -- as she faces loss, she's not brave enough to own it. She'll tell herself & maybe her d-

w/ "I didn't DO anything wrong...Purg is just an angry woman....see???"

that does not help your case. The cost of losing your friendship is only starting to seep into her....let it...

You are not the only one facing a loss.

Not to twist the knife but your h was a victim too--but unfortunately you didn't get the wake up call you needed, til now--and what's done is done.

Now he inflicts pain on you and indirectly they have caused pain in each other. Neither of them can feel great about how they met no matter what fantasy they might want to live in. And the kids know far more than either your h or POS OW realize...

the natural consequence of their r has not been felt yet. (YOU can't inflict it or that backfires--just to remind you)

Believe me, the kids will tarnish any fantasy they have IF and when the time comes...and do her kids hate their bio dad? If not, that also helps your sitch.
But let's not borrow trouble from tomorrow.


Stay in the present. Be here now. Show up for your kids (the better mother he sees in you, the more that helps you, NOT to mention it's nice for the kids)

and silence re: her, in the face of betrayal like this, is about as dignified as you can get under the circumstances.

If he tells her what you said, which I'm not positive he'll do, great.

If not, so?

What is there to say? Why would YOU need to reach out to her?

SHE can contact you if she's so torn up...

your job is changing how you react to things and showing that change.

Don't make it harder on yourself than it already is, by thinking you can change her mind with words.

IF she misses you that much, and she will at some point,

she knows what to do to regain your friendship (I mean, let HER wonder if it's possible to regain it)

...we both know you'll never feel the same about her...and that's something to mourn too.

but not in front of him...not til he's gone...


Shelve her & that pain for now...she's not worth the time and energy you need for keeping it together and facing your h for the next few months with your Mother Teresa behaviors.

That stuff takes energy-trust me, If I'd had an OW POS in my face near me or who was my "friend"...not sure how long I'd have lasted...then again I had 2 years--just shows how slow a learner I am

what some people don't know in my sitch is that I had a d in high school and keeping things stable for her for 2 years, was my goal. NOT moving or selling the house, etc. So I didn't have to "decide" anything til then as I knew h either did not want a divorce b/c he never filed OR he wanted to wait for her to graduate as well. I think it also helped him around his heroes up on the tundra to act as if the reason I and the kids were down here was b/c of her high school situation...whatever. ----I had some time.

I figured if h and I were not back together OR some great OM had not swept me off my feet before, then after her graduation, then I'd be done.

A few months before she finished, he began verbalizing things I needed to hear and showing me some changes. And the rest is history, yada yada


So I had a goal in mind for how long I could last AND in a way you do too.

Once your h is deployed-in some ways this will get easier.

So for now, focus on the few months you have left before he goes,

and make it count.


Insert as many images of the new calm serene but Fun-YOU, as possible.

Replace the negatives he's using to justify his choices...w/positive memories he'll carry w/him.

AND PLEASE...

shelve the anger and pain, and turn it over to God.

Become the best woman you know how--

(and you know the real you-the woman he fell in love with, is in there)


and then leave the results up to God...


(((( ))))

[purgatory]

I am brought to tears by the support I receive on this board. I'm at my lowest point since the original bomb was dropped, and knowing that there are 'strangers' who care enough to take time out for me- is overwhelming. Thank you all so much.

I think God is trying to reach me... examples:
* out of the blue, by neighbor invited me to her church last night, I went. The sermon was on 'identity and responsibility crisis' in marriage (odd topic since the majority of the members at the late service are high school and college students.) I got the distinct feeling that I was *supposed* to be there on that night.
* After I became aware of the lie last night, and all the revival of feelings for H and OW- I already had an appointment with my L. My L said that I was free to take some time away, if I needed it. She suggested that I get an agreement notarized between me and H, just so he can't use it against me somewhere down the line.
* I also had an appointment with my IC (scheduled last week) and boy did I need it!! I vented/released for my whole hour, and my IC listened and interjected very little. The few pieces of advice she did give me- were things I've already found on this site: focus on me, not on her; don't dwell on the negatives, be the bigger person by keeping my mouth shut. I wasn't mad that she was telling me things I already knew- just reassured. She's only about 5 years older than me, so it's easy to open up and say exactly what I want to say (curse words and all!)
--------------------------
bklyn- 'john edwards' made me laugh! I think it's appropriate
25- I've been allowing myself to 'feel' only in the shower (a safe place) and really focusing on 'shelving the OW'.

I would like to say that I've been renewed today, finding my footsteps again... but I'm still at a loss of what do do with myself and where to go. I really want to get back to the place of peace and calmness that I was finding around the holidays. I feel the need to take care of myself, and yet my responsibilities/expectations of daily life are making me feel guilty for wanting to do that.

I thought I would relax and catch up on my DVR shows- I decided to watch GLEE because it's normally good for a smile or a laugh (laugh all you want, I was a theater nerd in HS and I really like the show.)spoiler alert: It started out great with a GREASE song (for those of you who read around xmas time, I LOVE musicals and GREASE is my all time fav!) but then it was sprinkled with love songs and ended with a big proposal.... guess what I did? Cried my eyes out thinking about my proposal and wedding. Right around that time, S6 asked me to play a video game with him- I gladly took the offer of a distraction, and had some great 1:1 time with him.

I planned on going to a movie tonight. Out of the blue, I get a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. She knows a little about my sitch, and was 'just checking on me'. I invited her to come with me, and she did. We ended up hanging out in her car (cause it was 38 degrees outside) after the movie and I got her 'caught up' on everything. She knows OW and my H through our gym. She said that everyone around the gym was shocked when H left me, and if/when they find out about OW, they will probably flip out- and even turn against him. [The gym we belong to is small and the members are all like a family- everyone knows everyone's business. My H is in charge of new clients, so all the members have worked with him at some point and know him very well. I worked out briefly and got OW to come with me, then found out I was pregnant with second son, but I would hang out there and support the members and OW continued to work out- so everyone knows me and her as well. After the baby, I did a few months- but then had so many problems with endurance, which led to discovering my heart/lung issues... so I don't even go there anymore.]

I want to say that I don't care what he's doing every night; that I don't wonder if that was a lie he just told me; that I don't think about OW and him possibly together (he's still claiming that nothing has changed between them); that I've accepted that my M is over- I know it in my head, but not in my heart; and that I can visualize a life without H.... not been able to conquer any of those.

I wish I was more positive on here tonight. I don't like being 'debbie downer' (my name is NOT debbie btw.) I do appreciate that this board is a safe place to say all the things that I wish I could say to H and OW, without the fear of rejection or judgement.

This site is my lifesaver right now- please don't let go of the rope.

[25yearsmlc]

we're here and sending you support and prayers all the way to you in Virginia, (my home state...)

((( )))

[Oneeleven]

I want to say that I don't care what he's doing every night; that I don't wonder if that was a lie he just told me; that I don't think about OW and him possibly together (he's still claiming that nothing has changed between them); that I've accepted that my M is over- I know it in my head, but not in my heart; and that I can visualize a life without H.... not been able to conquer any of those.

I wish I was more positive on here tonight. I don't like being 'debbie downer' (my name is NOT debbie btw.) I do appreciate that this board is a safe place to say all the things that I wish I could say to H and OW, without the fear of rejection or judgement.

This site is my lifesaver right now- please don't let go of the rope.

You're allowed and (I hope) this is partially what this site is for. Knowing something in your head, but your heart telling you another is SUPER hard because the heart is a very powerful organ and it sometimes takes over the reasoning you know in your head (...speaking from some oh-so-recent experiences) (((HUGS)))))

[25yearsmlc]

where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it.

Keep your head on straight Purg, and you WILL get to the other side of this.

(((( ))))

[BFloat]

purg - wouldn't it be nice if we could GAL together? we could have sleepovers for the kids.. go wall climbing.. have coffee.. get makeovers..

i'm hanging on to the rope!!!

[purgatory]

I feel like a zombie today. I'm just going through the motions, but I'm not really *here*. It's 1:30 in the afternoon and the only things I've accomplished are:
* a shower
* breakfast and lunch for the boys
that's it.

I've been wandering around the house and picking up a little clutter here and there, then I find myself sitting on the couch clicking through the internet- and I always end up here.

I've been having panic attacks sitting still- that's a first for me. My heartbeat has spiked a few times. It's scary to think that if something really scary happened, I don't have someone to call. I used to call OW first and she would call H to meet me at the hospital, while she would drive me.... can't do either of those anymore. Part of me doesn't even want to call H to let him know.

Anyone have suggestions on what to do with family photos on the walls? We have a TON and most are various combinations of all of us. It's really painful to look at the ones of all 4 of us. My thinking has been to keep them all up for the sake of the boys- but at the same time, H has said that 'he's moving out' (not really because all of his cr@p will continue to be here and he will be here 2x per week) so technically this is *my* house... shouldn't I get to choose what pictures I have to look at? On the other hand, I don't want H to feel completely alienated here as if he never existed (keep the road home paved smooth?)

I'm all over the place today. Anger, sad, lonely. I've come to recognize how isolated I had made myself with H and OW being my only friends.... No one calls me anymore. My thoughts keep going to him and her and how they probably are talking all the time, and how he wants to be over there and not here.... I am getting better about shelving them quickly, but they still pop up.

I'm really considering a 2-3 week get away. I would love to visit all of my family, but I'm really drawn to visiting my MIL (she has been a BIG comfort to me, even though it's *her* son that causing this. She is appalled at his confession about OW.) She is a park ranger and lives in a state park- I could spend my days wandering through trails and forests or even volunteer with her in the park. I'm not sure what my plans will be, but that's just one thing floating around in my head.