At this point I don't even want revenge. All I want is to be comforted and know that everything is going to be ok. And I want the comfort to come from H, but I know I am not going to get it. The hardest part of doing the 99% of work is not the work itself, but doing it by yourself. I am struggling with self-confidence and questioning my strength and ability. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking down. I've been feeling more and more anxiety in the last couple of days. I feel like a crazy person because I always have a voice in my head trying to calm me down, keep reminding me of DBing.
I keep thinking how I would have reacted if H would have told me the truth in the beginning instead of making up a fake story. I think I would have lost it. In a way, I am "glad" that he did lie to me then, it gave me a chance to find DB and start IC. It gave me a chance to learn the tools necessary to keep myself together. Even though I know about these tools now, it is still so hard to actually use them and stay in control. Is it strange to be glad that he lied? In a way, his lies bought me time to learn how to handle the situation. I still don't know how to handle things, but I have a little more guidance than I did before.
I had asked H to try to come home earlier last night so that I could go to Zumba and he did. Shortly after I was back H was off to soccer, but ended up staying out at the place until 11 even though his game was over at 9. I know he likes to stay a bit after to hang out with the guys and have a couple of beers. I was somewhat irritated by it (old me - and I would have normally said something about that, but this time I didn't). I actually called him at 11 to find out when he was coming home as my sister's plane was coming in early and I needed to go out and get her, and it was also snowing. Since it was close to her landing time and H was already out, he offered to pick up my sister from the airport. I know he was dreading facing her. He knows that my sister knows about our sitch, though he doesn't know how much she knows. It must have been very hard and uncomfortable for him to face her, and he probably felt ashamed. I thought H would "offer" my sister to sleep in bed with me and he would sleep on the couch as he had to get up very early to catch his flight. I was surprised that he decided to sleep in bed. I had a hard time falling asleep. I was feeling anxiety creeping up and wanted to wake him up and confront him. It was so hard to hold myself back. Then, in the middle of the night I reached out for his hand for whatever reason, I think it was a reflex or something. H took my hand and held it for a few seconds, then let go. I don't know if it was reflex for him as well. I am glad that he's out of town for a few days. I found out from our friend that OW is not going on the trip. That made me feel a little better, but I doesn't keep him from writing or talking to her. I don't know if being away from me makes him feel "free".
I'm having such a hard time not obsessing with OW. I feel like if the kissing was a one time thing and he truly regretted it, then maybe I wouldn't be quite as devastated. But knowing that he's fallen for her, that he is considering leaving me for her, that is so hard to accept. I'm feeling so down right now and my heart is truly aching.
