Hi everyone, I’m new to the forum and would like to share my story. I am 45 and my wife is 36. We met 8.5 years ago and would have been married for 7 years on January 1st. No kids. I am a teacher and she is a banker. She told me she wanted to separate on December 11th. I was devastated, extremely sad and scared, but am now in a better place. Here is more information and I would appreciate all suggestions and comments.
This is the third time my wife has wanted to separate. I have heard: 1) I love you but am not in love with you, 2) I don’t know if it’s me or it it’s you, of me with you or you with me, 3) I think I was in love with marrying someone like you but not in love with marrying you… sound familiar? During the past two years, there has been little intimacy or affection from her, and I have felt more resented and tolerated than loved. I feel this has become a very one-sided relationship and she has not been committed to the marriage. There is no abuse of any kind (physical, drug, alcohol, gambling), we are best friends, get along well, love spending time together, I have been supportive of her taking courses, to move to a different town/city if she gets a promotion. She says I am a great househusband and a great catch, but not the guy for her.
Some issues we have… I am overweight and an emotional eater. I have finally realized I need help and cannot lose weight by willpower alone. A counselor has helped and I have lost 37 lbs so far. My wife was upset because there are times when I would make excuses to get out of going to fancy events with her since I could not fit into nice clothes and was stuck on self-loathing. After a while, she just started going with girlfriends or colleagues. We still went to many casual events together. In her case, she cannot let go of past issues and continuously drags up the past, making it very difficult to move forward. I have found she also blames me for our problems and projects her inadequacies on me. While I have been working hard to make this marriage better, it has been a one-sided effort. I do not feel my wife has ben part of the solution. I have also had ED issues which Viagra, Cialis and Levitra did little to improve. I felt like less of a man and shied away from sex. Didn’t seem to make a difference since my wife told me she would be happy without sex and once asked if I would happy in a marriage without sex. Of course, I said no.
Last June she also wanted to separate, but decided to stay together. We spoke of concerns, and I worked on myself, saw a counselor, made changes, and she noticed a difference. All the while she insisted I was the only one with the problem. We had a GREAT summer – the connection, intimacy, affection, and fun were all back. It was better than ever. I’d lost 40 lbs. However, once the school year started, I gained weight, and she pulled away. Then we became each other’s cause and effect and grew apart.
We stayed together from September to December. I felt increasingly resented and tolerated. After she said she wanted to separate, we saw a marriage counselor. I was hoping for tools, she was hoping for a way out. The MC said there was no common ground to work from, that I was not getting the intimacy and love I need and she was not committed to the relationship. We met him individually. When asked where my wife saw herself in five years, she said single, with great friends and family, willing to go wherever the bank wanted to send her. In my session, he said in all his years of counseling, he was not sure why someone would not want to work on a marriage with so much going for it. He said he felt my wife has an “emotional instability” but could not say more. He then said something that stuck with me: “maybe you’re not rock and roll enough for her”.
During the past few weeks I have begged her to stay, she has gotten scared when I showed backbone, and she will be moving to a new apartment next month (currently staying with her parents). She says she needs this break to work on herself, to get some space, to decide if we have a future and if her career is number one. I have accepted this is going to happen. She has bought appliances for her place and a ton of stuff. We will be putting the house up for sale. I have no idea where I will be moving to but will make a decision when the time comes. She has hinted that if things work out she would move into my new house, or that maybe I could move into her apartment – really not sure if she means this or is stringing me along as an option.
More about my wife: she does not love or like herself. She is a star in her field and well respected. Because she doesn’t love herself, it’s like she needs external fulfillment to fill up her bucket, but there is a hole in the bottom. It’s never full. She never enjoys the moment and is always on the search for the next high/praise/rush/attention (one of her friends has also noticed this). She is great at blaming but not taking action. She says, “I want more… I deserve more” when talking about feeling in love and advancing her career. She has said this with real hunger in her voice.
More about me: In the last few weeks I have realized I got lost in this marriage. I lost my sense of self, my individual identity, my connection with close friends – I was entirely focused on my wife, on improving out marriage, and I have come to realize I was emotionally dependent on her for too much. I’ve been reading a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” and found that I was a nice guy, but not in a good way, and the MC’s comment of not being “rock end roll enough for her” really made sense. I have decided to focus on myself for have regained my self-respect, strength and am reestablishing friendships, taking a course and exercising to improve my physical, mental and emotional self. If has been a hard five weeks, but I am in a better place. So far my wife has not contacted her counselor. She says she will, but she has a history of not following up on this matter. Same thing happened in June when I was told I was the one with the problems, not her. At least she realizes she does need help. That is a huge step for her!
We have seen our lawyers and the separation agreement is being drafted. We are changing out wills. We are civil with each other, but I have implemented the 180 rules to protect myself emotionally. I still love and am in love with my stbxw. I see part all her flaws and accept her for who she is – I love her. I cannot say the reverse is true. A week ago I finally stood up for myself and told her I was ok with her leaving, that I would be ok. I said I would no longer allow her to blame me for all of our marriage problems and that she could not longer project her inadequacies on me. I spoke calmly, did not raise my voice, but during that conversation I found my self-respect back. I told her it was the first time in two years I felt like a man, and it felt amazing.
Odd things: She has called this separation more of a break for her, and will see how she feels in a few months. She is leaving – I will not view someone as a priority when she sees me as an option and told her so. I will not be waiting around for her to make up her mind. I will be moving on as if the marriage is over – this means leading my own life, not dating or hooking up with anyone. It will take me a very long time to get to that place. I cannot imagine being with anyone but my wife, but she has told me she thought about cheating on me last June, to see if the lack of interest in sex and lack of passion she felt was because of me or her. She insists it was just a passing thought and I have no reason to believe she has cheated on me. Even now she claims there is not one else and that there are not emotional affairs.
I found this odd… whenever I hint that it’s over she panics, gets teary-eyed and scared. This happened when I told her I was changing my will, insisted she pack up or throw away our wedding stuff (without the marriage they are merely object and memories), and showed backbone. It this because she sees me as an option and as her security, or does it mean she is confused about her decision?
Whew… thanks for reading. I am looking forward to your insights on all of this. I am very open to anything you have to say. Do you think this is truly over, or is there a chance at reconciliation?
