what happened to no expectations? He broke up and told you to leave May 1, after you asked to be able to stay...
************************I don't necessarily have expectations, but hopes. And I am a realist, so for me to have even flickers of hope that thing will settle when he returns and we are in person with one another I feel is even foolish. I am usually of the nature of holding NO HOPE and then if something turns out, then that is great, but if you don't get your hopes up for something, you can't be AS hurt.
But this is why I wrote what I wrote above. I DON'T WANT to get my expectations up. But I know from our history that lots of stuff gets said then when push comes to shove and we are in front of one another, it's a totally different story.
My sitch is a bit backwards from most of the people here as I kind of have to go through it all over again when he gets home, and then it will also be with totally new dynamics.
But I am under no disallusion. I am trying to be as prepared as possible for every possible outcome. But I can only be SO PREPARED as I have no idea what he will do/act/say when he is standing in front of me. -----
he's leaving this summer and did not invite you to join him.
**************He MIGHT be leaving this summer. He doesn't even have his orders yet. He has probably applied to some postings. That's it. I know he says stuff like that to scare me. Back in Thailand he did the same thing. When I told him that I didn't want to continue the R the way it was going, he brought up posting season then too. They don't even get told they CAN be posted until April and then they have to sell the house, buy a new house in the new location, etc.etc. ----
Sorry if that's a cold splash of water in your face but YES you are setting yourself up, again...
******************* I don't entirely disagree with you. I am trying NOT to set myself up. By NOT getting my hopes up. But I will admit, I fantasize about him coming home and wanting to work on the R. It's those fantasies that I am trying to NIX as I don't want to start making them ANY SORT of reality. (does that make sense?)
----------
read back over your thread...you need to do that.
What you are not getting, is that being LESS available to him HELPS you...
****************** I get that. I honestly do. IE: Not talking to him for a week now, I feel TONS better. My self esteem gets filled up. AND ...truth be told I am sure he doesn't give a cr@p that he hasn't spoken to me this week. NOT ONE BIT. So his homecoming and me trying to make the most of it (or get the best out of it), is something I want to do FOR ME.
------------
I fear You have not detached from him AT ALL....
*************** But I have A LOT for me. Looking at apt. Thinking about buying one come May 1 and not talking to him for a week is PRETTY GOOD for ME! It may be nothing for others, but for me, I'm proud of myself. --------
that's a challenge but it's a mistake not to detach. I hope you can soon.
***************** I want to more. I just know that I will sort of have to learn how to detach all over again when he gets home. But it is what it is. ------------------
You have a month to learn how to detach. It doesn't mean give up- but for God's sake, this man has a history of being a lousy partner and said he wants out.
***************** I WANT To give up. I think, in my heart of hearts the only way this CAN work out is if I completely let go. And not just fake letting go. I'm WORKING ON IT! ------------------------
What is it you think will be SO different now?
You seem to be hoping he becomes someone he never was.
*************see here is another thing...Do you really think the person he was the entire time with me BEFORE deploying was someone he never was? I think I just have to see that with my own two eyes. I don't disagree if that is what you mean.... it's just hard for me to tell. I kind of look at him coming home as an 'end' to this saga. What the ending will be? I'm not sure, but I am anxious to find out as I hope it will put a lid on that part of my life and help me move on.
----------------
If he is capable of that, why would he do so now? I mean he's treated you very badly for some time now. He's treating you like you are a tenant...
**************** I CAN'T forget that I treated him HORRIBLY before he left. Not 24/7, but I was. I had some serious issues and I've worked on those issues, but I was pretty awful at times and to be honest, I'm a surprised he stayed with me as long as he did.
I am NOT saying this to excuse him, but if I ever expect him to give me a bit of the benefit of the doubt, should I at least practice what I preach? -------------------------- and you think that acting as if you are thrilled the landlord is home, will make him act loving AND that it won't just be for sex but for a committed r?
*************** no, that is one thing he doesn't do. (thank GOD!) He didn't do it in Thailand and I doubt that will change. If he has ever had emotion for someone he can't separate love and s#x. And believe it or not, I am not that desperate for him back. I want to be the best person I can be for him, but he would need to do some serious changing too for me to trust him and want him back. At this point, I REALLY DON'T see that happening.
--------------------- 111, think this out some more. Back up and read your own words here. Read your thread...imagine another person wrote it.
what would you advise them?
**************** Honestly? If it were my BFF here, I would understand that the 'homecoming' was the 'lid' on this sitch. Whether it's a lid on the old and there will be a new, or whether it's a 'lid' closing the connection forever is unknown.
I am being completely 100% honest that I need to do this for myself as much as him. And YES I am still competely in love with him, but I guess I need to see these changes (the bad ones) in person, at home in a normal setting for me to say... "f this... I'm done".
Him being on tour gives this whole thing a kind of unreal feeling. It's easy to treat someone like a stranger when you've been apart for 8 months.
I hope this makes some sense. I also hope that this makes it clear that, while in the back of my mind I have hope, but I am thinking that, that hope isn't very realistic. Him treating me badly, in person, to my face will make things real VERY quickly.
