Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

I am brought to tears by the support I receive on this board. I'm at my lowest point since the original bomb was dropped, and knowing that there are 'strangers' who care enough to take time out for me- is overwhelming. Thank you all so much.

I think God is trying to reach me... examples:
* out of the blue, by neighbor invited me to her church last night, I went. The sermon was on 'identity and responsibility crisis' in marriage (odd topic since the majority of the members at the late service are high school and college students.) I got the distinct feeling that I was *supposed* to be there on that night.
* After I became aware of the lie last night, and all the revival of feelings for H and OW- I already had an appointment with my L. My L said that I was free to take some time away, if I needed it. She suggested that I get an agreement notarized between me and H, just so he can't use it against me somewhere down the line.
* I also had an appointment with my IC (scheduled last week) and boy did I need it!! I vented/released for my whole hour, and my IC listened and interjected very little. The few pieces of advice she did give me- were things I've already found on this site: focus on me, not on her; don't dwell on the negatives, be the bigger person by keeping my mouth shut. I wasn't mad that she was telling me things I already knew- just reassured. She's only about 5 years older than me, so it's easy to open up and say exactly what I want to say (curse words and all!)
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bklyn- 'john edwards' made me laugh! I think it's appropriate
25- I've been allowing myself to 'feel' only in the shower (a safe place) and really focusing on 'shelving the OW'.

I would like to say that I've been renewed today, finding my footsteps again... but I'm still at a loss of what do do with myself and where to go. I really want to get back to the place of peace and calmness that I was finding around the holidays. I feel the need to take care of myself, and yet my responsibilities/expectations of daily life are making me feel guilty for wanting to do that.

I thought I would relax and catch up on my DVR shows- I decided to watch GLEE because it's normally good for a smile or a laugh (laugh all you want, I was a theater nerd in HS and I really like the show.)spoiler alert: It started out great with a GREASE song (for those of you who read around xmas time, I LOVE musicals and GREASE is my all time fav!) but then it was sprinkled with love songs and ended with a big proposal.... guess what I did? Cried my eyes out thinking about my proposal and wedding. Right around that time, S6 asked me to play a video game with him- I gladly took the offer of a distraction, and had some great 1:1 time with him.

I planned on going to a movie tonight. Out of the blue, I get a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. She knows a little about my sitch, and was 'just checking on me'. I invited her to come with me, and she did. We ended up hanging out in her car (cause it was 38 degrees outside) after the movie and I got her 'caught up' on everything. She knows OW and my H through our gym. She said that everyone around the gym was shocked when H left me, and if/when they find out about OW, they will probably flip out- and even turn against him. [The gym we belong to is small and the members are all like a family- everyone knows everyone's business. My H is in charge of new clients, so all the members have worked with him at some point and know him very well. I worked out briefly and got OW to come with me, then found out I was pregnant with second son, but I would hang out there and support the members and OW continued to work out- so everyone knows me and her as well. After the baby, I did a few months- but then had so many problems with endurance, which led to discovering my heart/lung issues... so I don't even go there anymore.]

I want to say that I don't care what he's doing every night; that I don't wonder if that was a lie he just told me; that I don't think about OW and him possibly together (he's still claiming that nothing has changed between them); that I've accepted that my M is over- I know it in my head, but not in my heart; and that I can visualize a life without H.... not been able to conquer any of those.

I wish I was more positive on here tonight. I don't like being 'debbie downer' (my name is NOT debbie btw.) I do appreciate that this board is a safe place to say all the things that I wish I could say to H and OW, without the fear of rejection or judgement.

This site is my lifesaver right now- please don't let go of the rope.