Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

I'm changing it now. I guess it just took me a few times to figure out that ML with him only confuses me and really hurts when I realize yet again that it didn't bring him home. Even if I convince myself beforehand that it won't bring him home, afterward I'm still a bit shocked that he can just leave and be apart from me.

He was friendly and warm with me today, but he didn't cross boundaries. I was friendly, but detached. So weird! It's just crazy how it goes from intense passionate ML sessions to treating each other like we're just friends. Ugh. It'll be very good for me to not ML to him anymore. He needs to see what it's like to not have that with me anymore as well. He goes nuts over me. Well, I won't let him touch me anymore. How do you like them apples.

Sorry, I'm in an odd mood. 6 weeks of this craziness has really toyed with my emotions.

At first it was ILYBINILWY and I want my own life, to see other people and to be friends with you.

Then it was I'm still in love with you but you were a horrible, controlling person and I needed to get away. I'm fed up!

Then I found out that he'd been texting females since soon after leaving. Come to find out that that didn't go how he hoped it would.

Then he gets angry at my positive changes and says he must have not been good enough for me to change while with him. He's angry because his life isn't looking up. He isn't making positive changes.

Then he says I love you and we could end up back together, but I have a lot to let go of.

I'm tired of this! Insert 3 ML sessions up there as well.

[Oneeleven]

Aw I'm sorry to hear about the song "misshap".

If it makes you feel any better, my exes and my song is "Love the Way You Lie" (and no, I'm not joking, we are the tornado and the volcano) and it came on during a LMing session in Thailand. I cried, it didn't go over well. He left the room.

You sound like you're doing super well otherwise!! Oh and change seats at school and tell stinky-breath to bug off otherwise!

[purgatory]

Only you can decided is ML is too much for you to handle.... sounds like you're tired of being 'used' as a temporary fix. Don't beat yourself up too much, just decided what you are willing to put with and stick to your guns.

I had a professor that was a chain smoker (for 3 required classes). I always liked to sit up front because his voice was so soft- and raspy from all the smoking.... I used to wish I could shove my nose into a bottle of febreeze during class!! Sorry you're getting some unwanted attention.... I agree with 111, move to another seat if you can, before the semester gets too far along. Until then, maybe offer him gum every beginning of the class- maybe he'll get the hint. Good luck!

[Jenna333]

Break time! I really enjoy my medical terminology class.

I feel like he is only wanting the good parts of me. He wants to enjoy me without committing. That's why I feel used. I am sure he's not intentionally using me--I know he's lost and confused about me and his life in general. I've just come to the conclusion that he can't have me without commitment. Especially now that he fully believes my changes and enjoys being around me. He now knows for sure what he'll be missing. All I can do now is to continue to work on myself and treat him like a coparent, nothing more. I don't want just sex from him. I don't want to start feeling empty, and I fear that is exactly what'll happen if I continue to ML to him without commitment.

[greenblue90]

For some people getting a lawyer, or filing for D is what makes the WAS realize that this is not a game, and they need to snap out of it.

Is there anything you can do along those lines?

[Jenna333]

Well, we're filling out the forms for mediated child support tomorrow. He's not snapping out of it.

[Oneeleven]

Break time! I really enjoy my medical terminology class.

I feel like he is only wanting the good parts of me. He wants to enjoy me without committing. That's why I feel used. I am sure he's not intentionally using me--I know he's lost and confused about me and his life in general. I've just come to the conclusion that he can't have me without commitment. Especially now that he fully believes my changes and enjoys being around me. He now knows for sure what he'll be missing. All I can do now is to continue to work on myself and treat him like a coparent, nothing more. I don't want just sex from him. I don't want to start feeling empty, and I fear that is exactly what'll happen if I continue to ML to him without commitment.

I hear you Jenna!! I know that ML was very prevelant in my R with my ex and was very important to us. we were hugely sexual. But I cannot ML without being in an R, as my feelings always get in the way, so I just never have and I can only imagine that its *that* much tougher if we're already in LOVE with the person we ML to. There is no way I could do it!!

Although in a way, you want to because it feels good to connect that way AND to remind them about how good you guys are intimately, I am sure

[Jenna333]

Yep! We've had awesome sex since we split up. I don't think he needs any more refreshers He won't soon be forgetting.

Either he wants to have fun and to have me waiting for him in case he changes his mind, or he really is worried that if he returns, things will go back to how they used to be. Either way, I need to detach and not be intimate with him anymore. Only he knows how he's feeling. I can't worry myself with it so much anymore.

[Jenna333]

Well, the family services office is closed Friday afternoons. Figures, right? He grabbed some print outs and will read them over the weekend (hopefully). About visitation, etc. I got him to agree to $700 per month rather than $625. At first he said, "Fine, but don't push me." That pissed me off! I explained that I've never had to do this on my own and I don't want this to be harder on the kids than it has to be. I told him he made me a single parent. He said he wasn't the only one to bring us to this place. I told him he made the choice to leave. He didn't have a reply for that. He said he's worried about being able to afford his own place when that time comes. We talked it out and I even went down to $670, but he said no, he'll go for $700. I'm very glad that he agreed to that. We're going to go back to the family services office on Tuesday.

Oh, and he's going to get his own car seats for the kids over the weekend (he received his school money). We won't see him again until Monday.

I'm incorrigible. He asked if I went grocery shopping yet (he gave me more money yesterday and I mentioned that I'd be going grocery shopping...we were very low on food). I told him S and I were going to be doing just that after we were done at the family services office. He said, "You probably wouldn't want me to tag along." Eh. I let him. I was feeling pretty happy with him after he agreed to $700. I really didn't think he would. We have such strong chemistry that it's hard for either one of us to not gravitate toward each other and just talk and get along, if that makes sense. We didn't cross any sexual boundaries or anything like that. We were just friendly.

He ended up tossing a lot more food in the cart for the kids than I would have and it came out to more than I had, which is why he wanted to come along, he said, other than getting some things for himself. I laughed out loud while shaking my head and told him that we break boundaries left and right, and he said we're not like a 'normal' couple going through this. I asked him what he meant and he said that we're civil. No, we're refusing to let go of each other. Well, to be honest, I am detaching more and more as time goes on. He kept making comments (seriously, he probably made 10 comments today) about me meeting other guys. I told him to keep those thoughts to himself. He of course got teary eyed a few times, per his usual. Especially when he found out that the kids and I are going to have a pajama party tonight and bake apple bread. Pajama parties were something he and I did together before we had kids, and then we did them with the kids after we had them. S asked if he could come, and he got all teary eyed and said he had to work. Of course he wouldn't have come anyway.

The more I force myself to look at this situation objectively (as much as I'm able to), the more I realize that I really will be happy with or without him. I'm realizing that I have (and will have much more after I'm working and am done with school and I make more internal improvements on myself) so much to offer someone. If he refuses to see that, it's truly his loss, and it's out of my hands, so I don't feel bad about it. Sometimes you have 2 great people, but that doesn't mean that they're great for each other. In the back of my mind I always used to wonder if he and I would be better off as friends. I remember about 8 months after we first got together I tried breaking up with him and told him I only felt a friend love for him. I was already tied up in the emotional affair that didn't go away for many years after that. He convinced me not to leave him, but that's when I ended up cheating on him. I was 16. Honestly, I didn't feel a burning romantic passion for him until 2-ish years ago. It felt more like I was with my best friend that I could talk to about anything, but he never excited me, if that makes sense. I didn't want to marry him. I didn't trust him, and I resented him because I needed him so much (of course that was my own doing...he never told me he wanted me to stay home, he actually encouraged me to get out into the world). He was the opposite. He felt a very fiery passion for me up until near the end. He is feeling it again now that he's seeing my changes, but of course fiery passion does not equal the long-lasting love that you feel for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Oh, and he's often hanging out with a 20 year old dude he works with. Come on! I told him to quit hanging out with immature kids (I was laughing). He said he wishes he could make more mature friends, but he hasn't met any. He starts school on Monday. I'm sure he'll meet lots of new people then. Woo hoo Yeah, I think of him meeting other females. It does hurt. Just like it hurts for him to think of me meeting guys. It'll be good to not see him at all this weekend. I'll be taking the kids to the movies This will be my first evening with them in a few days. It makes me appreciate them more, kwim?

[purgatory]

I really like the confidence is yourself that you're displaying on here I don't think it was horrible that he came shopping with you- and it's good that you two are still able to get along... because whether or not he comes back, y'all have got to get along for the kid's sake.

My H has made the same statement about us 'not being the typical couple going through this'... it's bittersweet to hear that. He recognizes that we are still great friends and can enjoy each others' company, but at the same time, he doesn't want me as his wife.

I'm pleased to see that someone else can admit that they 'weren't head over heels' right away. Don't get me wrong, I adored H from day one. But my deep, passionate love grew over the years until I was 'head over heels' for him about 2 years ago. I don't think this makes us bad people- it seems logical that love would grow/change as you share more experiences, have more kids see each other's faults and still love them.

Enjoy your PJ party! You reminded me of something that I used to do with S6 when he was little: we would have a 'pancake picnic' on a blanket in the living room and watch a movie.... I think I'll have to do that again! Thanks for the inspiration

How's school going? Any luck getting away from mr. chain smoker??