W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2

[25yearsmlc]

Mr Bond-No more BUTTS even though everybody's got one, jk. Ok, I just sent the money to my W.

Positive-My wife said thank you when I told her I would send her the money.

it was probably a 180 of yours not to lecture or criticize her or mind read about what she is doing "wrong" with the money so, good for you. And I'm glad she said "thanks"...keep this up.

As long as you are protecting your marital assets, what she does with money that she's legally entitled to and or that you agreed to give, isn't your concern.

Even if you want to spend energy justifying your irritation at her, again, I'd say "but you have NO control over this -so why bother spending ANY energy on it?"

when you learn to let go of what you cannot control, you'll be making a huge step forward in being a happier person, and a man much easier to be around.



Also, my S & W called me as I was typing this because he was apparently scared of shadows. We talked about figuring out our S's sleeping problems and I told my W I had transferred the money. It was a positive conversation for me I felt like.

good!!...build on these^^^ one layer at a time

ANS-I will have to think about what was truly said as that was July of 2011 when the bomb hit. She has since apologized for a lot of what was said and even said she would take back most of it if she could in a text so I don't know what was real or not. This is were I have work to do.

YES it is your work to do. Don't blow this chance by not digging deep. Figure out what your issues are and work like heck at repairing them.

Being controlling isn't a light trait to deal with as a spouse. It mostly comes out as criticism and the intention behind it, is irrelevant to most WASs....they are tired of feeling edgy around the controlling person, or wounded, or demeaned...

they often withdraw as they tire of conflict. In fact that's a very common response. The quieter she gets, the more reassurance she needs.

She isn't the type of person who likes to hash things out, and you sound as if you are. IMO your behavior could be more easily modified in this scenario, than hers. You have to be calmer and she has to speak up more.
But you'd need to take the first (several) steps before she'll feel comfortable sharing openly with you. There's a lot of marital history to overcome.

She can own what she feels and speak up, but she won't if she fears your reaction. And you are in charge of that reaction.

The priest who married my h and I once said

"of course deceit in a marriage is bad. But don't give your spouse a reason to deceive you, by over reacting, berating or lecturing.

If your spouse dents the car and you lose your temper, or rant, or you go on and on or bring up past events, or lecture, the next time something happens to the car, you won't know...b/c your spouse won't feel like sharing that info and he'll learn NOT to tell you unpleasant things. And life has a lot of those..."

and that will undermine the marriage. So keep that in mind. Even if YOU feel you did not over react or lecture

your W probably thinks you do....and that is what matters.

I do hope you lose the scorecard. A good example of this was when I noticed that you said you "gave her notice about my trip" and THEN she told you about hers...that almost implies you were doing something above board, and she wasn't.

But to me, it looks as if you darn near both did identical things. You told her after the fact that you had made plans for a trip. You presented it as a fait accompli, & that affects her b/c she'll have your son. You did not ask her if you could go. You informed her.

THEN She shared that she is also taking a trip. Looks pretty similar to me.

You say you are losing the scorecard and I hope you do b/c it's crucial for you to grasp that on HER scorecard she is a long suffering victim.

I suspect she didn't know how or when to tell you and your disclosure made it obvious that it was THEN she needed to tell you.

Anyhow it's not a big deal -- but I hope you can see that your viewpoint was pretty biased...and that's NOT helpful to you.

The more you can understand HER point of view, the better off YOU will be. I hope you get this.