Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

I'll just get right to it. We slept together yesterday. I initiated. He had sings playing on shuffle on his phone during. The last one to play, out of 800 songs, was OUR song, You'll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins. I started crying (yep, during). He started crying. He looked me in the eyes and said I LOVE YOU. I said it back. He said it again. Of course the session was amazing. It was emotional, loving, he even said those 3 freaking words that he hadn't said to me in 6 weeks.

Afterward, he told me that he didn't say it for shock value, and that he does love me. He said he feels less confused about us, but he is fearful of coming back with all of the crap in our past. He said he has a lot to let go of. He said he doesn't want to come back and stop our processes of growing. Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES! I'm done being intimate with him. No really, this time I'm done. I know I sound like a broken record. I just can't get caught up with this lost person anymore. I can't help him. He has to care enough to help himself.

He said I'm turning into such a cool person. He also said he's trying to move on from me, but he can't seem to do it. He said it feels like he's losing himself when he tries. I think he was also codependent with me. He said he has to do it in pieces. Well, I'm taking away the physical intimacy piece right now. We had ML 3 times in the past 6 weeks since he left. Roughly every 2 weeks. I'm not going there anymore. I always feel crushed afterward. I can't believe he said I love you and still thinks its ok to spout the same crap about how he doesn't know what the future holds. I did initiate the last time knowing that it wouldn't bring him home, but I wasn't expecting him to say those 3 elusive words to me. It has been really messing with my head.

I'm very much in love with him, but I need to let go if I'm going to become a healthy, happy individual. He's dragging me down with him and I don't want to drown. I was going to lay this out for him today, but I don't want to bring up the R. The thought drains me, and I'm feeling pretty drained as it is.

I hope school goes by quickly tonight. This chain-smoking 30 year old guy sits next to me in my first and second classes. He calls me sweetheart and doesn't pay attention, so he bugs me for help. Yuck. He drags on one of those water vapor cigarettes all through class, then bolts for the door to smoke outside whenever there's a break. I hate the unwanted attention.