Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

AHHHH! Ok, this time I need to be smacked! We just fail at doing this properly! Both of us cross boundaries and get our feelings hurt. It's just not working.

For one, he got his financial aid back, so that's why he was happy on the phone earlier.

He just left with the kids for the night. I have to leave for my first night of class in 10 minutes!

I absolutely failed at keeping to my own damn boundaries. I was giggly, FLIRTY, chatty. I had been doing so well with keeping things short, to the point, about the kids, etc. He told me to quit messing with him. I wasn't meaning to. Sometimes it just feels so incredibly natural to flirt with him. He said it makes it so hard on him because he's incredibly attracted to me, physically and otherwise...and he's still in love with me.

That's when I get held up. If he's still in love with me, why is he doing this?! Then it comes back to the 'love isn't enough' aspect. He got pretty upset and started crying, practically shouting at me, "Do you know how hard it is for me to see you changing like this?! To see you doing everything for yourself that I wanted you to do while you were with me? It makes me feel like I wasn't good enough!" I said, "If you see no hope in us, why does all of this bother you so much?" He said, "I never said I saw no hope in us." It's just...what the hell It makes me want to scream at him THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! You know things would be so different! Better!

I made a comment about how I'll have a drink after class tonight (I won't get out until after 10pm). He assumed that I meant I was having a drink WITH someone (I'll be going to my brother's bar just to hang out with him and chat) and he took that and ran with it. He said it makes him so angry at himself for being a hypocrite and that he shouldn't let it get to him. He said he needs to be a stone wall when he's around me, because otherwise everything is going to get to him.

We calmly talked after that. Then I screwed up even more and gave him a hug and told him that I missed him. He said he missed me, too.

This was just what I needed before class.

[Jenna333]

I told him I'm just trying to move on with my life. He said he's trying also, but it's not working.

[Jenna333]

I just got here. I'm 20mins early.

I think I need to get this out before class starts...

Ahhhhhhh. What is he doing?! I wonder if a part of him is regretting this. He can't seem to move on, he misses me, he sees me transforming into an independent, confident woman, which he loves. He said he gets angry when he sees my changes, though, because it took him leaving for it to happen. He has hope for us. I just don't get it. What is he waiting for?

I'm taking deep breaths. I'm ok! I think he's just completely lost. He said he's all messed up in the head over all of this. I told him maybe we should be completely sticking to strict boundaries and he said no, he just needs to not let me get to him. I told him I wasn't tying to get to him, and he said it doesn't matter, because everything I'm doing, everything I'm changing is affecting him.

[purgatory]

Breathe. You need to be able to focus on your classes.... remember how excited you are to be going back to school? Don't you deserve to give it your best?

I am not any better at *not* analyzing and reading into every actions and word that H does.... but I do know that it only hurts me. H is still living his life and doing whatever it is that he wants to do... while I waste my energy on things I can't control.

This is that "detaching" stuff everyone keeps talking about.... it suxx!!!!

I really hope you enjoyed your class tonight- because you've been so excited and proud of yourself for going back to school. That is something just for *YOU*!!

[Jenna333]

Ha, thanks Pur! It's break time in my medical terminology class. I'm enjoying it.

I just get so confused because he seems to be fighting coming back to me! He seems to love who I'm becoming. Why would he want to be a 'stone wall' around me? If he has hope for us, why fight his feelings about me?!

What should I be doing? I yo-yo between being very 'official' and short, but friendly with him, to flirting and laughing and pretty much acting like I'm dating him, to attempting to see him as least as possible (staying upstairs when he gets the kids).

[Jenna333]

Everyone I talk to seems to think he just wants me waiting on the back burner for him.

[greenblue90]

I wouldn't call it back burner

It's more like he wants to hit rock bottom, hit it, and then keeps smacking his head on the rocks screaming "why can't I hit rock bottom!"

Keep improving yourself, it's your best tool. Oh and about school IMHO it's more important than him now. So quit thinking about him and hit the books, join study groups, and ask others for help. It helps build social networks and gets you through the class.

[Jenna333]

I'll just get right to it. We slept together yesterday. I initiated. He had sings playing on shuffle on his phone during. The last one to play, out of 800 songs, was OUR song, You'll Be in My Heart by Phil Collins. I started crying (yep, during). He started crying. He looked me in the eyes and said I LOVE YOU. I said it back. He said it again. Of course the session was amazing. It was emotional, loving, he even said those 3 freaking words that he hadn't said to me in 6 weeks.

Afterward, he told me that he didn't say it for shock value, and that he does love me. He said he feels less confused about us, but he is fearful of coming back with all of the crap in our past. He said he has a lot to let go of. He said he doesn't want to come back and stop our processes of growing. Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES! I'm done being intimate with him. No really, this time I'm done. I know I sound like a broken record. I just can't get caught up with this lost person anymore. I can't help him. He has to care enough to help himself.

He said I'm turning into such a cool person. He also said he's trying to move on from me, but he can't seem to do it. He said it feels like he's losing himself when he tries. I think he was also codependent with me. He said he has to do it in pieces. Well, I'm taking away the physical intimacy piece right now. We had ML 3 times in the past 6 weeks since he left. Roughly every 2 weeks. I'm not going there anymore. I always feel crushed afterward. I can't believe he said I love you and still thinks its ok to spout the same crap about how he doesn't know what the future holds. I did initiate the last time knowing that it wouldn't bring him home, but I wasn't expecting him to say those 3 elusive words to me. It has been really messing with my head.

I'm very much in love with him, but I need to let go if I'm going to become a healthy, happy individual. He's dragging me down with him and I don't want to drown. I was going to lay this out for him today, but I don't want to bring up the R. The thought drains me, and I'm feeling pretty drained as it is.

I hope school goes by quickly tonight. This chain-smoking 30 year old guy sits next to me in my first and second classes. He calls me sweetheart and doesn't pay attention, so he bugs me for help. Yuck. He drags on one of those water vapor cigarettes all through class, then bolts for the door to smoke outside whenever there's a break. I hate the unwanted attention.

[Jenna333]

Oh, and I'm done getting my hopes up and analyzing his words and actions. He's said everything but the absolute magic words...I want to be with you.

[MrBond]

Well that's the worst thing you could have done but oh well. Based on past situations, he will now pull back saying he's 'confused' etc. I don't think you remember how he blamed every issue that he has on you. Not only has he not grown up, but he knows he can have you when he has an itch to scratch. Hope you can change that.