Rock and an hard place

[ANS]

Thanks for your input, Grit.

I've been putting a lot of thought into what you said.

I think in most of these cases where there is smoke there is fire.

And I disagree it does matter the gender of a close friend if your W is heterosexual.

ANS let me ask you back to my earlier diatribe on doormatism:

Does this relationship your W is having make you feel ok?

As to smoke and fire, my W has come to a lot of incorrect conclusions based on that theory. I’d like not to make the same mistakes. That being said, the things that my W believe to be true have certainly given her justification for any behavior that she wouldn’t have thought right before, so I’m not foolish enough to think that it would not include an A.

But that’s not enough smoke to convince me of it. Does that whole thing make me feel OK? Nope. Does MF’s gender matter (to me)? In all honesty, it does, but it would also be a problem for me if they were two women members of the SSW.

I think you are right to be concerned about what your children think. Is this the example you want to set for them?

The example I’m setting is one of commitment. I know it may not look like that from what you know about my sit, but my kids know my feelings in that respect. If they ever have similar problems, and I’m still around, I know that I will be able to encourage them to work things out. I will be able to do that with my head held high.

Have you read the resources on boundaries?

I can post what I saved back when I needed them if necessary.

They are to protect you from bad choices your partner is making. And they have to have consequences for breaking them.

I’ve put a lot of thought into boundries. I’m not done thinking about them, but here’s the kicker...

They must have consequences for breaking them. Either that, or W would have to buy into their legitimacy. On the first point, for a variety of reasons, there are no consequences that I am willing to threaten my W with. And make no mistake about it, she would consider any consequences that I create as a threat. As to W’s buy-in, well... MF’s W pushed both W and I out of the picture. And how did MF react? By maintaining his R with W (and me to a lesser extent) behind her back. I’ve no doubt that W would do the same, and that wouldn’t be better than the way things are now. Not by a long shot.

There already are consequences to W’s actions. I occasionally see glimpses of her being aware of that too. I’m hoping (but not holding my breath) that she’ll come to a better realization of those consequences on her own; without me having to manufacture any new consequences on my own. She can no longer accuse me of being controlling. Yeah. She can accuse me of anything, but eventually the foundation of that belief crumbles to pieces.

Give some thought to what you value in a relationship and how you would like to be treated. More importantly how you would treat someone if the roles were switched.

Would you carry on a relationship like this with a woman that excluded your W? Would YOU consider it acceptable?

Of course I wouldn’t. And to answer your unasked question, I don’t consider W’s exclusion of me to be acceptable either. But I make my choices, and W makes hers.

I really think that I have to make my decisions based on what I think is right, despite what W chooses right now. I also think that W’s decisions are somewhat based on avoiding pain; particularly guilt. I don’t believe in guilt; neither mine or hers. I’ve done her wrong. No doubt about it. I don’t feel a whit of guilt over it. Instead of feeling guilt, or rationalizing my faults, I’ve tried to correct anything that I’ve become aware of. I wish W could see it that way.

She’s going to have to come through it in her own way, and in her own time.