Not sure of next step

[Accuray]

Your W told you she wants to "feel loved and appreciated". That's a feeling, so you can't deliver that. You have to ask her "What makes you feel loved and appreciated" and get it down to specifics.

Another way to ask is "when you feel loved and appreciated, what am I doing?". If you can get it down to behaviors, *you* can do those.

I know you took a look at my sitch, I don't know if you read this. When my W and I were in your place, I asked her what was bothering her about being intimate.

She said she was afraid that whenever she was physical or affectionate with me at all, that I would assume it would lead to sex, or try to escalate things. i.e. if she held my hand, I would kiss her, etc. That was too much pressure.

We got through that by discussing it and agreeing that I will never escalate physical affection. If she holds my hand, I can hold hers. If she hugs me, I can hug her. That puts her in control and makes it "safe" to be physical, and physical is a necessary precursor to intimate.

So first, "no escalation"

Secondly, we agreed that my W would be the one to initiate sex. We agreed on a frequency, and she could do it whenever she wanted, but that ideally she'd stick to the agreed upon frequency. This does three things -- once again it puts her in control, it gives her relief from being asked for sex when she doesn't want to provide it, and it saves you from feeling rejected.

If you haven't yet, you should read "The Sex Starved Marriage", it may help you get out of where you are. I would hold off on reading "Passionate Marriage", that will do you more harm than good right now.

Finally, I read in "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" that you and your W should make it a habit to hug for 6 seconds every morning before you leave the house, and for 6 seconds when you meet up again at the end of the day. Make it a rule, it doesn't matter if one of you doesn't want to, and make sure it lasts 6 seconds. This does 3 things -- (1) it helps to release built-up resentments without talking, (2) it helps to get you re-connected, and (3) it helps to strengthen your bonding.

After I read that I read another study that said that women who are hugged regularly for six seconds or more have a bonding response to their partner -- it's a reptilian/mammalian brain thing that is not voluntary.

Hope that helps!

Accuray