Light at the end of the tunnel......

[cat04]

It does sound like your W has done a great job of setting up services for your D...

I am glad she is on the HCB waiver. It seems to fund the most stuff. And you are correct the hours can be split as needed between the two homes.

Depending on the economy in the future, and whatever changes happen between now and then in the government, when your D reaches 21, she will be eligible for more services that aren't available to her right now through the waiver.

Your MIL could possibly continue providing all of the hours if that was something you were agreeable to, however, it could be a conflict of interest as well.

It is something that I would recommend you speaking to the Coordinator fairly soon about, because as you know, these changes take time to implement, and it is something that you and your W are going to have to discuss.

The important thing is your D getting good and consistent care while you and mom get some much needed time to live and spend one on one time with your other D.

So get on finding a provider for those other 8 hours, that is important.

I know it is hard to find someone that can be trusted. I watched as one of my clients parents searched for weekend help for a long time for her D. It took over two years to find one that was not only reliable but actually really good and trustworthy. There are good providers out there. You just have to really look. Take your time. Interview the providers and ask to talk to other families they worked with.

Remember that YOU and your W are your D's biggest advocates. Don't ever be afraid to fight for her.

Because of this I will suggest that you and W consider some sort of coparenting while D course or counseling. It really is imperative that you both can continue to remain on the same page where your D and her medical and emotional needs are concerned.

While I was very selective in the people I chose to provide services to, I interviewed many and more often than not, in situations where the parents were D'd, one parent was often the primary and almost sole caregiver and the other parent was pretty nonexistent in the disabled child's life.

I am glad that you seem to want the responsibility of both of your children and aren't letting her CP stop you from being a parent.

Additionally, I want to comment on CS. Yes CS will have to be paid right now, however, in my experience, it won't be lifetime. Based on the fact that when your D reaches the age of 18 she will be considered a legally competent (although unable to sign) adult, unless you go to court and have her declared incompetent. (Which costs thousands of dollars and isn't as easy as you would think) It isn't automatic simply because she is disabled. It requires statements from three different medical professionals and the approval of a judge. Additionally, this will mean that you may at some point, be advised to disinherit her so that she can continue to receive all of her benefits and services after you and your W die because she will not be able to have any assets in her name, although a Special Needs Trust can be set up, which will NOT (at least as of right now) keep her from receiving Medicaid benefits.

Anyway, I will post more later. I need to go make dinner

[NYCPeter]

It does sound like your W has done a great job of setting up services for your D

She has done a fantastic job - one of my regrets is that I was not more involved with the process, she would talk about it and I would leave the details to her. I recognize I could and should have been a lot more involved.

however, it could be a conflict of interest as well.

My MIL is unlikely to want to be involved in my side of parenting - since the bomb we barely talk and she is fully supportive of W as most parents would be.

So get on finding a provider for those other 8 hours, that is important.

Agree - but as you know finding someone with the right hours available and someone we can trust and reliable is very difficult. We've interviewed numerous candidates.

Remember that YOU and your W are your D's biggest advocates. Don't ever be afraid to fight for her.

We always have - and will continue to do so.

I am glad that you seem to want the responsibility of both of your children and aren't letting her CP stop you from being a parent.

That will never happen - the biggest challenge I will face as a single parent is to do family activities together. There are a limited number of activities that D10 can participate in that can be shared without D7 getting "bored" (that's D7's new favorite word). W has a lot of family locally so they can "split" time, I have no family local so when I have the girls I will need either need to find activities we can all do together or work with the provider a the same time.

I'm hoping (though this may be unlikely) - to find someone who can do 7-9am until the girls are off to school and then the odd evening until I get home. This would work well if I could get 50/50 with a Thurs to Mon schedule.

[ncl]

Peter,

I know you feel your inlaws may not be willing to help you, but perhaps you should remind your wife that this isn't about what's best for YOU, but rather for your girls. I would think your attorney should have some ideas in mind for how to make shared custody work for your situation. It's wonderful, though, that you are actively thinking of how to make things work for all of you. You are a great daddy, and you and your girls deserve adequate time together. Remember my situation...when my H and I were separated, I still kept the kids after school on "his" nights until he got off work in the evenings.
Don't beat yourself up too much about your wife taking the lead in your daughter's care in the past; she was the SAHM while you earned the money; it was the deal you had at the time.

Hang in there! Lc4

[NYCPeter]

perhaps you should remind your wife that this isn't about what's best for YOU, but rather for your girls.

Well I'm sure my in-laws will be very supportive of my W during "her time" - we'll see.

Don't beat yourself up too much about your wife taking the lead in your daughter's care in the past; she was the SAHM while you earned the money; it was the deal you had at the time.

Not really a valid excuse - I should have found time (I will need to moving forward), I find dealing with authorities and govt paperwork a frustrating experience (as I'm sure my W did) - lazy on my part.

Quick journal -
Note, I tend to write these journals more as a diary entry, they may be boring and mundane - but re-reading them helps me understand all the steps and mistakes I have made on this journey.

I contacted someone at the link that Rick provided for CP support (thanks Rick) - they sent me an email with some detailed questions that I needed my W's help answering.

I sent W an email - she responded fairly quickly - when I got home last night, my W wanted to know why I needed the information - I said I was looking at the possibility of getting more services for D10, W's response "Well I think we pretty much get everything we can" - I replied "yes - you've done a great job organizing everything, I don't think it would hurt to investigate if there was anything else we could get".

I put the girls to bed - W was watching a TV show while I ate dinner.

W then told me plans for the weekend - in-laws will be taking D7 & D10 Sat AM and coming back Sun PM. I find this a little frustrating as she doesn't discuss with me, just tells me what the plans are. I know the girls will have fun - so I don't say anything, but checking with me - "do you have any plans with the girls" would be nice.

She then went to bed to read...

Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter...

It worked out fine as I had a lot of work to catch up on...

[Mach1]

W then told me plans for the weekend - in-laws will be taking D7 & D10 Sat AM and coming back Sun PM. I find this a little frustrating as she doesn't discuss with me, just tells me what the plans are. I know the girls will have fun - so I don't say anything, but checking with me - "do you have any plans with the girls" would be nice.

I think that SHOULD be a conversation that you have with her.

This is something that obviously bothers you, so why not say what you feel about it ?

From what I read, your in-laws have a free pass to their Grandchildren much of the time anyway. I mean, your MIL gets paid ( by the state) to watch her anyway....right ?

I would state your feelings on this.



Something along the lines of....

I understand that your parents enjoy spending time with the girls. However, I ask you to please keep in mind, that when these types of plans are being made, I would like to be considered before they are finalized. This is the only time I have to give my undivided time to them, and I would appreciate my relationship with them to be taken into consideration.




Pete,

One of the things you are going to have a DAILY battle with, is the entitlement from your wife. She has been a SAHM for them so long, that she is really going to feel like she is the sole owner of them. And you are going to have to establish FIRM boundaries with her about you being their Father.

And I can assure you, that IF you don't start attacking some of these little battles, you will lose the war.

You just have to remain calm, and don't let her head spinning around, affect the fact that you have just as much say as she does....

State your argument with as little abrasiveness as possible, yet stand your ground and do not get engaged in anything other than your boundary with this.

She will probably try to turn the topic to something other than what it is. Be aware of that, and don't let it wander.

Keep on point, and walk away if it gets out of hand.

Things are going to change for her through all of this. She is under the impression that it is all for HER good. Well , the news cameras are rolling in now. There are changes coming that will affect her the other way too.

And it's not your job to cushion that fall for her. Nor is it your job to force that fall.

It is the reality of situation she has asked for.....

[NYCPeter]

Well I called this afternoon and told W that I wanted to take D7 to the ski lesson (in-laws were going to take her, then drive to their lake house overnight).

W was fine with it, I'll then drive them both to the lakehouse for overnight with in-laws after skiing and then drive back home. W will be working - I'll try to hook up with a couple of friends if they are free.

I will have a conversation with W to includes me in any discussion re: plans for the girls before she commits to them.

Still waiting for paperwork from L - if it's what she told me the other day, I am very concerned from a financial perspective. It could turn ugly very quickly as after rents for a 2-bedroom in this area it would leave me around $300 a month for gas, food etc. No way that will work, so we'll end up having L's going back and forth on finances.

No point in worrying until I see the figures and talk to my L.

[Rick1963]

Peter I hear you about finances . But I tell you it will all work out. math is perfect life is not.

To more serious issues. The US will definitely win the next world cup ok.

[NYCPeter]

Took D7 to her ski lesson (she had a great time) and then took both girls to the in-laws to stay over.

Got home - letter from W's L was sitting on the kitchen table (W had already left for work). Outlining what W wants in the settlement agreement.

Sole physical cusotody of the girls (I get every other weekend) - Child Support and Spousal Support (for 6 years) that would equal 60% of my salary. Nothing different to what I was expecting the L would request. Also I need to be out of the house by June 15 if it's not sold - and pay the mortgage / taxes + a smaller amount of child support.

The last paragraph made me laugh - something about "this being an agreement in my favor and that if I was to litigate the terms would change and that they would also ask for L's fees".

I feel like I'm in a twilight zone - W came home from work last night (I was asleep in bed) and she snuggled up to me to fall asleep. Erm... why are you asking your L to "rip me a new one" and then trying to get close to me in bed. I'm sure she will sleep elsewhere tonight (as girls aren't home and she knows I have the letter).

Oh well - need to make an appt with my L to discuss, I'll be going for 50/50 - reduction in CS based on parenting time (though that's v.difficult in NY) and a lower amount of spousal support.

Rick - I wish I had the same faith you did re: it all working out. And I can guarantee you one thing - the US will win the world cup before England do....

[2thepoint]

"Got home - letter from W's L was sitting on the kitchen table (W had already left for work). Outlining what W wants in the settlement agreement.

Sole physical cusotody of the girls (I get every other weekend) - Child Support and Spousal Support (for 6 years) that would equal 60% of my salary. Nothing different to what I was expecting the L would request. Also I need to be out of the house by June 15 if it's not sold - and pay the mortgage / taxes + a smaller amount of child support."

Clearly this is pie in the sky, wishful thinking. The piece about being out of the house by 6/15 seems also to be some sort of intimidation tactic. Heck, to be fair, everyone should be out of the house by June 15th and everyone can shoulder the burden of additional living expense! /sarc

"The last paragraph made me laugh - something about "this being an agreement in my favor and that if I was to litigate the terms would change and that they would also ask for L's fees"."

More intimidation ^^^^^!! Argh!! Make sure your L is looking out for your best interests!

".... the US will win the world cup before England do...."

From your mouth Peter, to Gods ears!

[Mach1]

Pete,

Most of that is lawyer talk. And while they KNOW the law, they are NOT the law....

They will try to push the limits for their client. Much the same way your lawyer will try to push that line back across the field.

Most of the time, once the assets are divided, and custody is settled, the rest goes off of a formula that the state determines.

Don't let that scare you too much.

I do believe that NY state passed a law in Jan 11 , that the person that files, HAS to pay the legal fees for both sides.

You may want to check that one out.

Most of this will go in negotiations between the lawyers. What you can live with, what you can't live with. What will you bend on , what you won't bend on.

Knowing what that list is, will be important.

What are the things you are unwilling to bend on ???

Custody ??

You BETTER have a plan of action before you negotiate.

I would approach this as giving her one weekend a month. That way you can have time for you too. That way she can have them during weekend time. And ask for that time back during the one week that you don't have them on the weekend. Realistically, then you could have them for your weekend, plus Mon, Tues, Wed, and Thu. Leaving you with an extended time while having the following weekend free for your life.

You are looking for around 15 days a month custody. That leaves a 50/50 custody. Once the days are settled, the rest is a formula that the court determines.

There are two kinds of custody that you want to look for. Physical and Legal. Legal is most likely a given, although you want to ask. Physical is the visitation.

The first thing I told my Lawyer was that if she couldn't obtain 50% custody for me, than I would find services elsewhere. My expectation was clear from the beginning.


The China pattern?

Well, I would assume you would bend on that one....


Take some time, and make a list of things you want, would like to have if possible, and things you are willing to give.


So what's your plan Mrs. Doubtfire ????