Confused and alone

[Accuray]

I agree with both of you -- I wasn't advocating discussing OW with H, I was just saying that if you feel you HAVE to, make sure you do it the right way. Many people report that a weight is lifted when it's on the table, the "I'll pretend that I don't know that you know that I know what you don't want me to know" can get exhausting, but if it's manageable right now keep with the DB program for sure!

I guess my take was that if he knew that I'm still open to making the marriage work, would that change anything for him? Right now he knows that he f***** up, but he's still trying to justify it.

I DO believe it helps if he knows you want to make the marriage work. There's a big difference, though between "I'm open to making the marriage work" and "I want to make the marriage work". The first is passive and implies that he has to do the work, the second is active and implies that you will do the work.

I definitely think you have to let H know that (1) you want to save the marriage (2) you own what you brought to the table to get you here (3) you can understand what he's done although you don't agree with it, and (4) you're willing to do the work to make things better. It's a fine line because once you've said it you can't keep repeating it because that is pursuing.

When H looks at you right now he sees storm clouds hanging over your head, and he sees a big field of thorn bushes that he has to hack through to get back to you. He's envisioned a life without you and convinced himself he'll be OK on that path. You need him to see sunshine over your head and a clear path with a mowed lawn and flowers on the way back.

I realize that in many ways, that SUX because he has done wrong! Why should you make it easy for him to come back without making him suffer? Shouldn't he have to apologize? Unfortunately, if you really want him back, then the answer for now is that you have to swallow it and make it easy for him to come back. Some people have a really hard time with this because you have to swallow your pride. It makes some people feel like a doormat.

The way I look at it, you're identifying what you want, and you're pursuing it and fighting for it. You're being strong and driven, you're not a doormat. Once you rebuild your relationship, you can get to a place where you don't have to worry about getting here again, and that's the most important thing, that's the "prize" to focus on. Let the past go.

I need to know what his stance is on our R, that he is committed.

Assume that he is not committed -- you need to proceed in the absence of that assurance from him. He has demonstrated with his words and actions that he is not committed to preserving your marriage, so you need to either decide to give up too, or be prepared to go forward with no assurance of commitment from H at all. What you do may not work, success is not assured, and he will not be helping you on this path, you need to walk it alone (or with a support structure other than H).

I know this is hard and cold, it's terrible. Once you understand that's where you are, however, it makes it easier to see the best way forward.

Accuray