Too Little, Too late 3

[25yearsmlc]

Purg

first let me just say...O U C H!! AND--- WTF??

okay that's out..now, to talk more constructively!!


I don't think the talks went badly.

You got him to revise two things off the bat when he said

" I can't disagree with that" AND apologizing for hiding stuff & promising to change IF you stay calm. I loved your question "Do you feel attacked now?"

that was a perfect way of defending yourself WITHOUT escalating...and if he'd said yes, you could ask him how he would like you to express things...what tone helps HIM to take in the content of what you say...not sarcastically but with sincere curiousity b/c I think he's still holding the past over your head
so

given the givens, realistically the call went as well as it could have. Do you see that?

Your h doesn't know the awakenings you have had yet, though he senses them and they confuse him, b/c he THOUGHT he had this figured out.

The goal of the lbser at the start, is to undermine their predictions about how badly you'll react and

to counter their negatives with positives...

So Now, keep up the new way of handling things.

As for the POS OW??

Nothing you say will make a difference in your favor.

Silence is doing a good job making the point without making you lose it in front of her.

I can't imagine that you are ready, YET, to face her and NOT get emotional. So I think a one on one would set you back, ---at this time---that could change

but for now, silence is your ally.

I believe talking with her and not being perfectly saintly (saintliness takes time. Just Ask us Catholics why Mother Teresa is still just a "great gal" and not a saint...yet)

and I can assume it would somehow be used either against you or to help her feel like a victim -- as she faces loss, she's not brave enough to own it. She'll tell herself & maybe her d-

w/ "I didn't DO anything wrong...Purg is just an angry woman....see???"

that does not help your case. The cost of losing your friendship is only starting to seep into her....let it...

You are not the only one facing a loss.

Not to twist the knife but your h was a victim too--but unfortunately you didn't get the wake up call you needed, til now--and what's done is done.

Now he inflicts pain on you and indirectly they have caused pain in each other. Neither of them can feel great about how they met no matter what fantasy they might want to live in. And the kids know far more than either your h or POS OW realize...

the natural consequence of their r has not been felt yet. (YOU can't inflict it or that backfires--just to remind you)

Believe me, the kids will tarnish any fantasy they have IF and when the time comes...and do her kids hate their bio dad? If not, that also helps your sitch.
But let's not borrow trouble from tomorrow.


Stay in the present. Be here now. Show up for your kids (the better mother he sees in you, the more that helps you, NOT to mention it's nice for the kids)

and silence re: her, in the face of betrayal like this, is about as dignified as you can get under the circumstances.

If he tells her what you said, which I'm not positive he'll do, great.

If not, so?

What is there to say? Why would YOU need to reach out to her?

SHE can contact you if she's so torn up...

your job is changing how you react to things and showing that change.

Don't make it harder on yourself than it already is, by thinking you can change her mind with words.

IF she misses you that much, and she will at some point,

she knows what to do to regain your friendship (I mean, let HER wonder if it's possible to regain it)

...we both know you'll never feel the same about her...and that's something to mourn too.

but not in front of him...not til he's gone...


Shelve her & that pain for now...she's not worth the time and energy you need for keeping it together and facing your h for the next few months with your Mother Teresa behaviors.

That stuff takes energy-trust me, If I'd had an OW POS in my face near me or who was my "friend"...not sure how long I'd have lasted...then again I had 2 years--just shows how slow a learner I am

what some people don't know in my sitch is that I had a d in high school and keeping things stable for her for 2 years, was my goal. NOT moving or selling the house, etc. So I didn't have to "decide" anything til then as I knew h either did not want a divorce b/c he never filed OR he wanted to wait for her to graduate as well. I think it also helped him around his heroes up on the tundra to act as if the reason I and the kids were down here was b/c of her high school situation...whatever. ----I had some time.

I figured if h and I were not back together OR some great OM had not swept me off my feet before, then after her graduation, then I'd be done.

A few months before she finished, he began verbalizing things I needed to hear and showing me some changes. And the rest is history, yada yada


So I had a goal in mind for how long I could last AND in a way you do too.

Once your h is deployed-in some ways this will get easier.

So for now, focus on the few months you have left before he goes,

and make it count.


Insert as many images of the new calm serene but Fun-YOU, as possible.

Replace the negatives he's using to justify his choices...w/positive memories he'll carry w/him.

AND PLEASE...

shelve the anger and pain, and turn it over to God.

Become the best woman you know how--

(and you know the real you-the woman he fell in love with, is in there)


and then leave the results up to God...


(((( ))))