I have to be honest with you, I really enjoy your posts. I get the pats on the back from friends and family telling me how strong i am yaddy yaddy and yes i admit i am sometimes suprising myself at how strong i have been through all of this, but i remind myself...what other choice do i have. To completely crumble or hide in my house until this all goes away just simply isn't an option. I know that this is going to be a long hard road whatever the outcome is. And yes some days all i want to do is hit fastforward to see what that outcome is, but thats just not going to happen. i know that this sadness and hard times and just starting and being truly happy again will take time but i will be happy again and i will love again...and i guess only time and the powers that be know who that will be, but i am focusing on loving myself again, which is one of my flaws that needs work.
I appreciate that you make me think critically about this situation and you don't sugar coat it. Thats what i need in looking at the disarray my life is in and in looking for the answers to these really tough questions.
i know more than ever i want my husband and thats it. I have made a commitment to myself to devote 100% to DB. I also sat down last night and wrote out some personal goals for myself...some as simple as trying one new thing every week (even if its as simple as a recipe). THis week - i'm going to hot yoga! I have also decided to make 2012 the fittest year of my life. I am a very active person and i want to devote my new found extra time to putting extra focus on this. I have also started my MBA in january and plan on aceing the courses i am doing (if you can believe it through this nightmare i found it in myself to actually study for and pass that GMAT).
I'm not an avid reader but i'm really trying...and i find these boards super helpful in picking up tidbits along the way. I have started a journal of helpful things i have picked up from this board that i can see will help me anywhere i am in life.
i take these 'things to think about' and make them a bit of an ongoing activity
1) What were his historic complaints about you or the relationship? What are you doing to address them?
this is something i work on with my IC as well. There hasn't been a whole lot of complaints from either of us through the course of our relationship...and maybe that in and of itself is a problem - not communicating these complaints. i know i would often suppress my fears and anxieties and know H would too. I believe over the course of the last 3 months that i'm not that person anymore and i also know that that takes ongoing work.
self confidence is another area that i need to work on as well, again working closely with my IC on this. my closest friend jokes with me about an old Saturday night life skit when we talk about this ( i have a sense of humor so i know where shes coming from and can laugh at this),,,she always says remember the "lowered expectations skit" where the character said the affirmations in every skit..."i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god darnit people like me" haha well it fits! haha
2) What are you doing that, to him, seems like a 180?
my first 180....letting him go without a fight. I've faught tooth and nail for the past 3 months for this relationship...knowing full well that it was pushing him away. We are meeting on saturday to talk about finances and that sort of thing and my plan is to keep it truly at that...no R talk, no anger, no sadness. Just being me...and getting this done. I think he's expecting the opposite.
my second 180...is the controlling thing. i've handled everything in this relationship, i'm letting him drive this process. He told me i seemed surprised that he spoke to a lawyer and i guess i was....he never takes initiative on stuff like this...then he throw at me....well you told me to do something.... so i'm just going to let it be....not push for movement and respond politely at what needs to be done. he asked me to do a few things to help him but i said no (politely).....that he has to do it.
my goal is whatever he throws at me over the next little bit is to pause before responding.....think about what i want to say....and reevaluate.
Like everything else i'm taking this one day at a time....yesterday i had a little bit of an awakening that i needed to let go, i felt very sad but i felt like it was a different type of sad...and today i feel firmer in that and i actually feel good. i've been busy at work, went for a run at lunch, going to yoga tonight and meeting a friend for a drink after and i feel....well normal. Yes thoughts creep into my mind every now and then. I feel that i need to acknowledge them and reaffirm that i can't control his actions that i can only control my own. Today i am deciding to be ok with all of this.
