My husband and I have known each other since 1995. We both met while in college in NC, and were friends immediately. For about week, after I broke up with the scum I ended up being with for years after that, we fell for each other blissfully.
We wrote each other that summer, but I got back with the scum, so no more letters. We continued to be friends, and would see each other on campus or around town off and on. But nothing every happened. Then one weekend while I was back home in NC visiting a friend, I saw his best friend. I think he was more excited to see me. LOL His first words were “I cannot wait to tell ____ I saw you.” I got my husband’s phone number and called him as soon as I got up the next day. I found out he actually lived in my area. We started hanging out and then became intimate. One time. I didn’t really like it and decided not to call him again. LOL My friends encouraged me to give the man another chance, so we remained friends. He ended up becoming unemployed and had to move back to NC. I was livid because he didn’t tell me until he had already moved back.
Then I needed a date for a wedding, he came up that weekend, and the rest as they say is history. We dated (officially) for 2 years before getting married in the Bahamas. We’ve been married just shy of 3 years. We have one son, my stepson who is 19 and lives in NC with his mother.
During the past 3 years, our marriage has been at most trying. He was unemployed for basically the whole year before we got married, and then much of the first year we got married. I did not handle it well. I come from a family where a man works; no matter what it is he has to do. He believes as long as unemployment is coming in, I can take my time to find the right position. Needless to say, things were rocky. We talked about separation once during that first year, but decided against it I did catch him having a text “relationship” back and forth during that year. This also happened prior to us getting married. (Yeah, yeah, I know!)
Enter the 2nd year…things are better, but not by much. I find yet another phone bill with a mysterious number being called and texted at all times of the night. I lose it, tell him to get out, and he does. I then proceed to beg him to come back. He goes to stay with his mom, and comes back and says he wants out. I beg and plead some more and he stays. (UGH!)
Year 2 is a little better. I start IC and we end up in MC. Things go fairly well until I mention to him that since he tends to have a lot to say in MC, he might want to think about going to IC like me. Well, he didn’t want to continue. We have another big fight, he goes home to his mother’s yet again, but we make up when he gets back. All along he’s been telling me about my tone when I talk to him. This time, I actually listen to him and work hard and trying to change.
But something still isn’t right. I can feel it in my bones, but I’m not sure what. We haven’t been intimate in MONTHS, and I’m getting that feeling again. Checking the phone bill, and the same numbers appear or so I thought. We went out of town for New Year’s Eve and I just knew it was finally going to happen. NOT! I was upset and let him know, but let it go. Then when nothing still had not happened around January 3rd, I told him he had to tell me what was going on. That’s when Bomb #1 comes out: He’s not happy. We’re not compatible and just don’t need to be in a relationship with each other. He still loves me but doesn’t think we can be together. I beg, I plead. I ask him if there’s anyone else. He says no. I ask about MC. He says No, he’s done.
I accepted it and started the Love Dare the next day. Told him I wasn’t giving up on us. But it just wasn’t making any sense. I then get the idea to check his iPad to see if I could find anything. He was spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom with that thing “listening to music”.
Come to find out he’s been having an affair (not sure if it’s just EA or full blown) for about 6 months (as far as I can tell from going back and looking at the phone bills). He actually had a whole identity on Twitter that I didn’t even know about. I’m actually happy to find this news out. (Crazy right?) It just let me know that it wasn’t all me. Anyway, I confront him calmly and tell him that I know there’s another person, and while it hurts me, I’m still not giving up on our marriage. And…this chick is friends with my stepson on FB. That burns me up! He’s 19; he’ll friend anyone on FB!
He went out of town last weekend after that conversation (to a town near where OW lives). Not sure if he saw her, but they’ve both since locked their Twitter accounts down. I asked him why. He told me it would be awkward. This is definitely an alien talking to me.
So…getting near the end...since he’s been back, he’s been sleeping on the couch. There’s been so much tension in the house. I’m trying to GAL as much as possible, but some days I can barely get out of bad. And God, do I miss sleeping beside him. And talking to him. And laughing with him. I was able to eat 2 half meals yesterday which is more than I’ve had in two weeks. The adultery diet helped me shed around 15 pounds already. Which I needed to lose.
I sent him an email today telling him that I still wasn’t giving up on us, even with the OW involved. I told him I was sorry that my behavior in our marriage had caused him so much pain, and that God was working on me with showing unconditional love even before I knew about the OW. I told him that we both promised before God that we would honor our covenant and that’s what I’m doing, even if he doesn’t want to. He responded that he’d always love me and he misses our friendship too. And he’s sorry for all the pain he’s caused me. (I know…take it with a grain of salt)
From the posts I’ve read everyone is saying GAL like never before. But what if I wasn’t showing enough attention to start with? My husband needs lots of attention, which I think is what this woman is providing. Should I still GAL? I’m so confused. It’s only been two weeks and I’m still floundering.
I also find it funny that he didn’t choose anyone where we live. We live in a Metro area where the population of woman to man is like 10:1.
My question is now what? Is there a way to get individual DB sessions? I can’t afford the $390 3-session deal just yet. But I need to start somewhere. I have both DR & DB books, as well as the Tough Love book by Dobson.
