I just wanted to comment on the blank-mind-while-under-stress-&-inability-to-reply thing. I suffered from it as well, and it drove my H crazy. I have since learned that it's the reptilian portion of the brain's response to perceived danger. In my case, I learned to do this as a child being molested; others shut down/freeze while being verbally or physically abused.
The reptilian brain over-rides the other 2 parts of the brain when it perceives danger, and it can't distinguish between past and present situations which "feel" the same, so it snaps the adult into the same child-like frozen state where thinking & feeling seem to slow down and getting any words out is almost impossible. My H also pointed out that my breathing became very shallow and slow whenever this occurred.
My point is, when I forgave my abuser, going through a multi-stage forgiveness program (created by Gary Pettitt and available on the internet, though it can also be completed with a therapist), that issue gradually ended for me. I also applied the program to forgiving my H for his EA.
Now, my head remains clear even when I'm quite distressed, and I'm able to identify my emotions, talk calmly about them, and really "be there." If my H notices that I'm stressed, he just reminds me to breathe more deeply and the feeling passes.
Take courage--it is quite possible to drop those avoidance tendancies, because although learning them was forced upon you, you can choose to unlearn them, and it's just such a huge release to do so. I found the whole forgiveness process to be an interesting challenge--figuring out all the ways that abuse/betrayal had impacted me, and turning them around to affirm all the positives I really believed--it was not a traumatic experience at all.
