WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

It's been good to be away... last night had a chance to go out after the conference day with fellow board members and some folks from other districts and vendors. Got in waaay too late, but it was good to do it without concern about what my W would think. The funny part is that she'd probably applaud it quite frankly.

I continue to notice odd interactions with her since she moved to the basement. I suspect a reaction to pulling back... checking to make sure I'm still there. And the more I'm not the more she works to check. Yesterday a few texts from her about some financial stuff. I sent one short response. Normally I would've waited until getting home from work, but since I won't be home for another few days I felt the responsibility to at least answer the question. She followed that up then with a much longer text about some houses she was looking at yesterday. I didn't answer those.

Then later she called and I let it go to voice mail. Then she sent me a text that S is sick. I replied to that, and again she followed up with some info about houses. Again I didn't reply. That's her life, not my concern.

While we were all at a reception I got a call from our house phone. That's the phone the kids use to call from so I answered it assuming it was my S or maybe SS or SD. It was my W. I asked why she was calling from the house phone... oh... she couldn't find her phone. Really? Her phone is never more than 2 inches from her... I know, because back in my snooping phase I could never find a chance to sneak it away Anyway, she's calling to tell me S is sick and now that she has me on the phone launches... yet again into info about the houses she looked at. I listened for a while and then politely told her I needed to get back to the reception and the people I was with.

And then later I called to tell the kids goodnight. Talked to all of them and as I'm finishing my W grabs the phone and starts talking to me. That doesn't happen. She launches, again, into her thoughts on these two houses. I finally decide this isn't apparently going to end until I validate so I listen for a bit. The one is too small. The other is good but only has a six month lease and she's concerned about having to move the kids when/if the owners return. She talks about vetting this through her friend who thought that the six-month house was a bad idea because it's not stable enough. That the third house is ok rent-wise but that the utilities would probably kill her (it's a huge Victorian... I'm guessing the heat bill alone is $300/month). But I listen. Finally she's done and asks what I think. I was silent for a bit and finally said, "You will know what's best for you. You and the kids have a place right now. How quickly you need to change that is really your call. I believe you're right that the kids need to move only once if that's at all possible. I am ok with you still being in the house in order to find a place that is right for the kids in all the different ways we've agreed on (location, proximity to school, rent, housing quality, etc...)."

Then her tone changed. She got much softer, said thanks, and that is trying to do what's right but it's very hard. I said that I know and that doing something right usually takes time.

It was a hard convo to have. I don't even know if should have had it. I want her to feel me gone. I think she was feeling it. At the same time I hear "love them as they want to be loved" running in my head. And at that moment it just sounded to me like she needed to know she had a safe place while she sorted out her next safe place. And I really don't want her running to the first place she finds if it isn't right for the kids. If I have to choose I'd rather let her have her space and place now, here and work on finding the right place for all of them to land.

But now as I type this I find myself second-guessing my actions. I can also see how my fixer personality is drawn to engaging with her. How I want to make it better for her. This gets very confusing. I am trying to do this from an unconditional love for her as well as being child-centric.

I did text her this morning to find out how S was doing. He was up most the night coughing and had a sore throat so W was up with him. She actually called me after my text to tell me and so I could talk with him. She was pretty tired and stressed out... I was too but at least mine was self-inflicted! (damn green fairy!)