It took me a long time to switch the focus from what is wrong with her to what is wrong with ME. Once I did that, I started to get better answers and more clarity. More importantly, I started finding SOLUTIONS for me and gaining the courage to follow through on them (GAL, etc.). Once I really thought through things from her perspective and started to connect dots, I got answers. The more answers I got, the more compelled I was to tell her what I was discovering and let her know what my part was in out meltdown. I felt I needed to let her know that I understood why she did what she did -regardless of the outcome. Then, she gave me a tiny window in which to do it - and I just let it all out. Everything that I had learned from introspection, from DR/DB - from other books I've read.
I think her suspicion on the timing stems from the fact that we are hitting the "rapids" in terms of D proceedings and I had to stroke my first spousal maint./child support check this week. My guess would be she thinks I am trying to say or do anything to NOT have to keep writing them. Anyone that has follwed my sitch knows that is just not the case.
As for why it took her leaving for me to "get it":
That is an easy one. I have said all along that once I looked inward it was plainly clear that something this painful and disruptive had to happen in order to knock me out of the track I was in. Otherwise, NOTHING would have forced me to look inward and admit that I had to change.....nothing. I was so stuck in my ways, my beliefs and my way of living that I had (unknowingly) grown immune to the input of others - esp. my W. I would have easily continued down the path I was on and never would have done the introspection needed to really identify what needed to change. To put it frankly, I had to lose everything and hit an emotional rock bottom.
That, friends, is the honest truth. I hope she is open to hearing it.
