Confused and alone

[Accuray]

nhmom,

If he is still debating whether he wants to be with me or not, confronting him about OW will likely drive him away. Do I wait for him to decide that he wants to be with me first before addressing the OW issue? Our friend thinks I shouldn't wait too long because I may get too resentful and too hurt to take him back (if he ever snaps out of it).

Your friend's logic only makes sense if the expectation is that H will be apologetic and remorseful when confronted, because your friend is assuming the purpose of the confrontation is to relieve your resentment and hurt.

What I'm suggesting to you is that those confrontations almost never go well, and that you will leave MORE hurt and MORE resentful. If you expect H to be apologetic and instead he is belligerent and self-righteous, how will you feel?

The hard cold reality is that H cannot make you less hurt or less resentful right now -- the bell has been rung and cannot be unrung. You need to work through those feelings and heal yourself without relying upon H to help you through that, because he's not in a position to do it now, and maybe never.

One way to work through that healing is to shift your perspective. Rather than seeing yourself as the victim of H's bad decisions, view yourself as an equally culpable partner in a relationship that went off the tracks. Make it your mutual fault rather than H's fault. You can also shift your perspective to view H as someone who is operating from a place of hurt and fear rather than malice. He's scared. He's acting the way he is because he doesn't know what to do. He's afraid if he comes back to you you will hurt him by either (a) scolding him and making him face the consequences of his actions for years, or (b) not being there for him in some way he perceives that you were not before. If you can truly shift your perspective to see things in this way, your path forward may become more clear.

If you're saying "Accuray, you're crazy! There's an elephant in the room that I need to deal with", then you might be right, you do need to have a discussion about what you know. Read these two approaches:

Option 1:

"H, I know you've been lying to me. I know about OW, I know you kissed her, and that you've been living in a web of lies and deceit. I can't believe you would do this to me! I'm the mother of your child! You need to get your head screwed on right and decide what's really important to you. I am going to take some time and decide if I can forgive you, and if there's room for you in my life. You need to face the consequences of what you have done!"

Option 2:

"H, I realize that our marriage got into trouble at some point along the way. It's normal that after your first child is born, marriage gets more complicated and more difficult. That's a phase that all couples go through, and long term marriages are characterized by ups and downs. I realize that I have done things that drive you crazy, and in some ways I have not met your needs.

I am also aware that you had a relationship with OW. Listen, everyone likes attention from the opposite sex, everyone likes to feel special -- I understand that. I know that you didn't do this to hurt me, but at the same time, I'm sure you realize that I am hurt by what has happened.

I believe that our marriage is worth saving. I will own the things that I have done or not done that have gotten us here. I'm willing to work on my approach to our marriage to make it a great one that will stand the test of time. I would like you to join me in 'pushing the reset button' on our marriage and moving forward together. At this point, we both have a choice to make. I choose to save our marriage. I would like you to make the same choice, but I can't decide for you. That choice is up to you."

I'm sure you see the difference. The second version normalizes what's happened (we're all human), and doesn't present a future of storm clouds and recrimination -- instead it offers hope that things can be better and different. Once you make that promise, however, you need to embrace it and demonstrate your resolved with consistent action.

Hope that helps!

Accuray