Well one of the books I picked up yesterday was "Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Susan Forward. All I can say is WOW! Read it last night.
I am realizing that the relationship might not have been the best. To tell the truth there were many time I was unhappy. Fantasized about leaving. Even a couple times early on I tried to leave and she convinced me to come home.
I really don't know what to think right now. Should I db? Should I walk away and forget? I don't know what to do right now so I won't do anything. Is that right? Woke up this morning very sick after having an OK night. Actually ate well last night but woke up sick.
I feel like she is the only one who will make me happy. I am realizing that might not be rational. I have only been back on my meds for a short while. I've been acting out in some very unhealthy behavior the last couple of weeks. I honestly don't know what is real and what is not anymore. This is hard.
I want to call her and tell her about what I read. Apologize for smothering her by smothering her with apologies and explainations. Irony at it's best.
Another thing I did that was very unhealthy was get rid of all my friends when we got together. I had been going to AA for a few years at that point and had a lot of friends in AA. When we met I told her I didn't drink and was in AA. Within a month we were sharing bottles of wine together and all my friends were gone. She was everything.
Now I'm sitting on my folks couch. Unemployed. Totally alone. I will do my best not to call her.
Sorry for ranting. I just had to rant hear. Afraid I was going to call.
