First of all, I don't want to think I'm attacking you or anything. You have been given a great opportunity here (most who are on the boards would kill for) and I would hate to see that all go away because of one issue.
I don't feel attacked at all. I'm really grateful for the feedback! I know I am very lucky... to be in this position that I'm in, and lucky that things have turned out to be in my favor. H tells me "I feel good inside. Even though things are bumpy for us, I feel so happy that I am with you. I'm in a good place again and I feel more connected to you". This is good, and I'm glad to see h in a good place, but you know ..... the storm inside of me is still going on. Last month, I tried to suppress it... I put on my happy face. I ignored the hair falling out, I went on and kept tears away from him, and anger from showing. But the hair has been falling out, I'm dropping weight again. There's no medical explanation for it, other than I'm getting sick from holding all of this in. I don't know if that is healthy.
Way I see it, and according to the counselor.... during our discussion. H did this. He made this choice that has affected me, and now, H will have to deal with the fall out from his choices. H has told me that he will be patient and help me to the best of his ability while I deal with all of this. He is understanding of it. Will it go on forever? I hope to hell not. I want to feel better. I cannot shield h from my pain any longer. He is going to have to look at it. If he cannot handle it, then.... I'm sorry for that. I have to take care of me too. If I walk around shoving down my anger and my pain, then I think I'm going to end up very emotionally and physically ill. It has to come out.... and I know there are different schools of thought on that, but I really think it's not good to just hold in anger. I know there are many tools for handling it healthily and I'm doing that now, by going to counseling.... by taking care of myself.... by GAL, by talking about it and not holding it all in, until it erupts with me throwing something, like a glass.
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I go by the rule of what would I say to my 5-year-old if he saw me do that. I guarantee if he saw me do that he would be freaked out.
My daughter was not home, and I knew she was not home. After H had that tantrum where he threatened to leave us when she was listening, we do not discuss our M when she is around.
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What did you back then to work on yourself? how did you get past it? Obviously, you didn't stay in the marriage of other reasons.
I was going to weekly counseling and a support group for women in domestic abuse. I left my h, got divorced, moved away.. I got past it by getting away from him, and going to therapy. I stayed single for a number of years and didn't date for awhile until I felt I could trust again. It took me a long time to learn how to trust again, and I didn't allow myself to get involved in another relationship until I was ready. In all honesty, I trusted my h fully when I got with him. I didn't have any issues with not trusting him. I sold my home, left a good job, and moved to another state across country in order to be with him after we dated for a couple of years. So, that really took a lot of trust on my part to go that far.
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I get that. I mean it's been over a year since I found out about my W's EA and I still get have a reaction when I hear a certain song. It's gotten ALOT better, so there is hope. I don't think it's like a light-switch to turn on or off. It's a progression.
yeah.. I really do hate that feeling when we are out together and a song that he put on her cd comes on the radio. It just really really... [censored]. I don't even want to feel that way in the future. I just don't.
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First of all I don't think anyone is asking you to shut down your feelings. They are natural reactions that anyone would have. I mean we all are different on the spectrum of feelings of course. 4 months after my W's EA, I was not nearly in the state of anxiety I was in.
You know what is strange? I'm am way worse than I was when I was in the middle of H's crisis. I am feeling worse than I did after finding out about his EA and OW. When I was in the heat of all of that, I was really at my strongest. I may have been really scared, but I was not a huge emotional wreck. I seemed to be able to hold things together much easier. Now.... I feel like I'm really a mess inside.
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I think professionals used to think letting your anger out was healthy and a way to move things forward. I think people are coming around to the idea that anger just breeds more anger. (note there is a difference between letting the anger out and letting the feelings that cause that anger out)
I mentioned that above... I just don't know what to think of this, cause as I said, holding it in and not dealing with it at all has been making me sick. then I end up erupting with behavior, like throwing a glass. I mean, I know it's not okay to continue that behavior... but I am working on ways to handle it when it becomes that strong.
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Well exposure therapy can be effective for OCD patients. (My W is a psychologist and has done with in this field) But I'm not advocating it for you, nor would I suggest doing anything without the guidance of a good IC.
I feel sad and depressed when I go look at her facebook. It actually feeds my anger at h. I look at her picture and I think.... "Really??? HER? That? WHY? UGHHH" then I think...... "He was really going to throw me and our daughter away for that?" I mean.... going to her facebook just throws me right back into all of these dark feelings. I don't know if that is healthy or going to help me?
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What I see is someone who is taking a lot of blame and personal responsibility for your H's EA. Too much in my opinion. Yes we all have our roles, but you seem to think that your H was doing this intentionally to perhaps cause you pain (or so I gleened) But there might me 100s of other reason for the EA that have nothing to do with our or your self worth. You are the same worthy person that you were before the EA...Nothing has changed that. No the M issue, not the EA.
It is really interesting to me that you have picked up on this. Even h told me in counseling that I have blamed myself way too much, and that I'm too hard on myself. H has told me repeatedly that what he did was about him, and not me. I think for the better part of my life I've battled with self esteem issues, and the abuse from my first M did not help much. But over time I think I really improved. I was feeling good about me again, starting to like myself more and more.
Maybe my attaching my self worth to h is co dependent and it is something I need to work at .... a lot! I did take his EA to heart, I know that I have gone over it in my mind .... why he did this to me.
Not good enough, interesting enough, pretty enough Not exciting enough, sexy enough...
