I think when H wants to talk, it's not the real honest guy that wants to talk. H's "talks" are always about how I did him wrong. H wants to validate his reasons for wanting to leave and acting like a jerk. In his mind I am responsible for everything. When I told him that I needed to sort out my thoughts and feelings first and he got defensive by blaming me not wanting to talk, I told him that I was giving him space that he needed and I'm waiting for him to come to me and talk. I want him to be honest with me, but right now he is living a lie.
I don't know if it was friend's talk the other day or me saying that I was considering a future without him, but something may have stirred him up. Yesterday, he was emailing me from work all day, asking about dinner, then how I was going to cook something. I was brief, but he kept asking more. When H got home, he suggested we all go to dinner since we had a gift certificate. I was acting as normal as I could, "as if" I didn't know a thing. Since I didn't get much sleep the night before, I took some tylenol pm to help me get to sleep. H shows up in bed again! What do I owe the honor to for 2 nights in a row? I had a feeling he wanted sex and I was right. I debated on what to do, then gave in. It was probably not the best idea, my head was all over the place. It gave me a chance to connect to H, but at the same time I felt betrayed.
Oh how I want to just blow up in his face, accuse him, blame him. But I know that it will not do me any good. I know it would make me look crazy and H would not want to be with me for sure. If he is still debating whether he wants to be with me or not, confronting him about OW will likely drive him away. Do I wait for him to decide that he wants to be with me first before addressing the OW issue? Our friend thinks I shouldn't wait too long because I may get too resentful and too hurt to take him back (if he ever snaps out of it). I don't know if guilt is eating away at him and he cannot face the truth. I don't know if H knew that I know the truth and still willing to work with him, if that would help with the sitch? I don't know if he feels that I would be too hurt and he wants to leave before I leave him. But his talks are usually about how I did everything wrong and how much I hurt him. No matter what he thinks I did, I did NOT drive him into the arms of OW!
