Thanks so much ladies!!!! I knew in m head that it was best to keep quiet, but I need some affirmations..... I don't like questioning myself, but since I know I'm functioning from an emotional place, I can't really trust my choices. I'm glad I have 'sane' minds to help me see the light!
25- I would love to say this to him, but she lives 20 minutes away do he would know I went out of my way to catch him.
Maybe it's better just to let him feel guilty for knowing that he lied and that I believed him? He's always been a BIG believer in telling the truth (to friends, family, strangers) so this is not like him at all!! We used to have a joke that if he ever cheayed on me, he would probably call me in the middle of ot because of the guilt!
Do WAS ever feel guilty??
For now, I'm GAL tonight be going to a new church with a friend (whose only been a 'bus stop' mom friend till now). Then I might go to a movie... I like trying to stay out as late as possible on his nights, so he wonders what I'm doing
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Just had a lightbulb moment! H is probably choosing to lie to avoid a blow up, since that's how I usually would react... and since he made the comment 2 days ago: "are we going to talk about this every time Im around?"....
I think that by not saying anything- might give him the impression that I *won't* over react anymore....although, he probably thinks he's smart enough to hide it and that I would never find out.
But how can I *prove* this to him if he never presents me with the opportunity to do so- ad chooses to just keep lying to avoid confrontation??
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
he provided you with the opportunity to "confront" without losing it, by lying.
You can say, "you're right I do TEND to know when you are lying, so I drove by POS's (okay say her name or just say "her")
house and your car was there...Please don't lie to me again, b/c it adds insult to injury and you're better than this, and I deserve better."
THIS IS THE 180 Proof and it's the only reason I support saying anything--to show him that. OTherwise I'm all about just being the better woman/choice.
Don't assume he feels guilt at this point and don't confuse his concern with getting caught (kids blabbing) with guilt either. Remember in HIS mind he is still the primary long suffering victim...
But once you say this--leave the room and
THEN Go out as you planned
and if he asks YOU questions
You COULD say "I don't want to lie so how about I not answer? But I won't be out all night."
or just be vague
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wasn't it you Purg w/ the 24 hour rule? Or perhaps it was Perseverance?? Anyhow, no matter what you do, sit on it for at least a day so you have a clearer head in how you want to handle things.
I am in the camp of not saying anything. But, what about if you are hanging out w/ the kids or having dinner all together and ask the kids how the gym was in front of him? "uh what gym mom?" I know this is being slightly manipulative but it should get the cat out of the bag if that is something you truly feel you need.
Say: It was *me* with the 24 hours rule.... I'm really forcing myself to sleep on it.
bklyn- I'm not he's thought that far in advance, which will work to my advantage When they were leaving, S6 was complaining that he didn't want to go to the gym... so it wouldn't be unusual for to ask: "So, did you have fun at the gym even though you didn't want to go?" I'm not sure if I can coordinate this while H is in the house, but I'm gonna try
***Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle OW (I made a long post about her earlier today, but it got overlooked by 'his lie' post.) I want to know how I can aim his eyes back at me, even with all the flattery he gets from her- and obviously feels the need to lie about being around her for some reason (guilt? shame? avoid conflict?)
Tonight: I went to a great church with a new 'friend' (she's a mom that I've talked to every morning at the bus stop and we've gotten closer.) It was uplifting! Guess what the sermon was on: identity and responsibility crisis in Marriage!! Can we say that I *meant* to go tonight?! I saw a lot of the wrongs I did in the sermon, and I saw the wrongs he's doing now. It was a good lesson that I needed to hear..... Now what to do with it? Not sure. I got put on a list for a woman's group- something I NEVER would have done before. But, I need to get some new faces in my life and this seemed like a good place to start.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Purg, Please get your mind focused back on you. If you make the OW a big deal, she will become more of a big deal. You can do this.
Also, think twice about involving your son in this. What if S says they didn't go to the gym, and H reacts and then S feels like he's done something wrong....
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Labug. Either say nothing or say it in private. Keep the kids out of it OR ask them in private and later on mention it to h (I assume you don't want him to know you snooped?) But Asking the kids does not guarantee truth-
Keep in mind that some WASs DO tell their kids not to mention OPs "b/c it'll just upset mommy and you don't want her to be sad, do you?"
Yes I have seen that. And at the time they do it, the WAS convinces himself he's protecting the LBSer...
The point of ALL this is that you want to show him you CAN be trusted with truth b/c you won't go batchit on him, AND that you are capable of change. So do this
OR
show change another way (but I'd expect more of the lying,) sorry.
Finally, forget out ow...
You cannot attract his attention to you, by criticizing her. That gets the focus on HER again...
your plan is to show that marriage to you can be better and different.
Reveal that through your behavior.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
***Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle OW (I made a long post about her earlier today, but it got overlooked by 'his lie' post.) I want to know how I can aim his eyes back at me, even with all the flattery he gets from her- and obviously feels the need to lie about being around her for some reason (guilt? shame? avoid conflict?)
I don't have an fabulous ideas for you but to sort of echo what others have said, its probably best 'not handled' by you at all. I have a funny feeling that this woman's flattery will soon prove suffocating when your H is overwhelmed by her neediness and his impending deployment. I know you've been through deployments before, (and this one I'm going through is only my first and I failed miserably so what the h3ll do I know! lol) but from what I hear from my ex, as well as my friend's H who have gone, as well as my co-workers, they don't *want* to have to focus on others needs as much as they are preparing mentally to go over there. And I would think the last thing they want is to have someone who they are constantly worried about back home. I could be totally off base but if this woman has never truly been on her own before, she will become too much for him pretty quickly (given your special circumstances).
And one of the things I have been taught in T when dealing with a lying SO is to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, putting aside [for a moment] the sting of being lied to, does the actual lie really and truly change anything? I don't mean for one second that lying is OKAY in any manner, but right now, with what your trying to accomplish, I think it would be easier on YOU if you could take this little nugget of info and fold the piece of paper and put it in a box in your underwear drawer. Don't forget it, just keep it locked away. Let it be a tool that you use to keep yourself eyes-open and sharp but I don't think it's really a massive deal. I hope I make sense there, it's early here for me! lol Have an awesome day!
