Quick synopsis: Married for 11 years with 3 year old. Wife dropped bomb and filed for D in Jan-2011. Wife moved with D to stay with her folks. Things slowed in Sept. W tells me that she saw my interaction with daughter and she started questioning herself. She flip flops on counseling couple of times. Agrees finally in Dec. So here we are...
Yesterday was our first appt with the counsellor. We are still looking for the right one. Since it was in my town, she had to drive in for the evening appt. I told her to come a bit early so we might get some lunch and a movie perhaps. I am trying an approach to discover her again with my newfound wisdom.
She came in a bit late after noon. She wanted to know if i had adapter cable for her ipod. I thought i did. But did not. So while she was still in her car, i set out to make one (took about 5mins). But she told me that i was overdoing it. My thinking was that i did not want her driving back for 3 hours in the evening without being able to listen to her ipod.
Anyways... we then went to lunch. Talked some. Some R talk, some daughter talk etc. Was not bad. Then off to B&N to read stuff and get coffee. Then we went to the counselor. Obviously it was first visit and so we had to her our story which in itself took 1 hour. But we did feel counselor was okay and so we get the next appt for next sunday.
While she was driving back we talked for almost 1hr. I wanted to keep her company so that she would not fall asleep at the wheel.
Not bad i guess. But i do still see this agitated person who feels that the world is out to get her and that she is worthless etc. She just wants to lash out.
Baby steps i guess. I am keeping my optimism at check. But i am hopeful. The counselor did warn us though that the counseling could dredge up so much hurt that couples might end up divorcing after the sessions.
I am still in the ring to keep fighting.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I truly understand were you are at this point. My life has fallen apart since my wife left our daughter is three as well. It has devastated my life I finding it hard to cope any longer the pain is so real and it hurts so much. I can't endure it I'm running on empty. Me id rather not live like this anymore id rather nor live I'm so tired and want this pain to go away.
Good work Karma!!! Glad to see things moving in a positive direction for you.
I think you are in about the same spot I was in back in April/May. My W told me "I'm back only for the kids' sake". Pretty similar to what your W told you back in Sept.
Now is when the really hard work begins...your patience will be tested like never before. It was like clockwork...every time I reached out because I thought things were going well, W pulled back. Your W will certainly do the same thing. You have to let this happen on her terms and at her pace (unless she is being unreasonable about your D3, then you must assert yourself). She is just starting the journey you've been on for over a year. Yeah that [censored], and it's not fair, and you've been suffering for a long time, but if you want this to work, you can't let your pain influence your actions.
You say you're keeping your optimism in check. I don't think you need to do that...just keep your actions and reactions to her in check. Your optimism is something that will help you make it through this....stay focused on the long term goal, and don't let the hiccups (and there will be lots of them) get in the way. Not sure I'm too crazy about the counselor telling you that "the counseling could dredge up so much hurt that couples might end up divorcing after the sessions". That is not a solution-based/DB-trained counselor if she is saying that. Sounds like she plans to focus on the past problems instead of how to move forward together. Maybe you could give her a call and see what her plans for you guys are?
All that being said...you are in a good place...a lot of people here would trade you places in a heartbeat. Keep up the good work!
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
MK, I have little to no perspective to offer input from. I am very glad you are where you’re at. I can only imagine the amount of patience needed to be successful.
Stay positive, be patient use all of the tools and listening skills you’ve learned.
I'll be praying for you.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Navyguy - don't want to hijack here, do you have a thread I could read up on? I'm early on in the process. No kids. Found out today the wife is down in Arizona looking into a job so I was intrigued about your long distance unofficial separation.
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Kolja, you can click on anyone's name and then click "view posts". My latest thread is called "living in the trenches".
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Navy, I am now in your place. And i agree, this is a very hard part...
Journaling.
Yesterday we had our second session with the counselor. Last week was mostly okay. I did find that wife was aloof on the phone. So i pushed her to tell me if everything was okay. I guess i opened the flood gates. Apparently she is having a hard time at her parents' home. Also her sister is now pregnant. I am sure that adds something to this mix.
For the most part i listened to her. Validated her. Two important things i have learnt here. I tried to keep myself of the equation. It helped her a lot. She thanked me for listening to her.
Yesterday was good too. She arrived during lunch time. We went to lunch. Talked. Then had a walk in a park before going the counselor. Our topics range from gossiping about our friends, talking politics, daughter's antics to R stuff. I think both handled things quite okay.
During the session though we did have some arguments. Mostly because wife kept saying that our separation was not that bad because she was 'very' reasonable. I did not see it that way. If you know my sitch, i was foolish back then, not using a lawyer and found out that wife wanted full custody of daughter, that she had no qualms for asking even for share of my bonuses at work. The worse part was that when she came to the house to take her and daughter's stuff, she left no memory of daughter at all. Everything and i mean everything that ever belong to daughter was taken away, including photos. While i have forgiven and tried to forget most of those events, i did not want her to assume that everything was just 'okay'. I wanted her to in the least acknowledge that what she did was hurtful.
But the moment i said that, she got upset and started saying how i hurt her in the past. Then she said how i did not show up to daughter's b-day last year. She filed for D on Jan-3rd. I came back to the US on Jan-22nd. Daughter's B-day was on Feb-2nd. At that time i was in mental condition to even get out of the house. Let alone drive 3 hours to wife's place, face her family. I did not want my daughter to see me in that condition. So i did not go. It hurt like hell when she that on me knowing very well what i was going through at that time.
I am not sure what happened next because somehow the convo got shifted to how she feels so crappy because everyone, including her parents put her down. So before you know it the entire session became about how she should work on herself.
Somehow after the session our drive was okay. We cracked some jokes. I even offered a hug before she left. I called regularly as she was driving to make sure was did not fall asleep. Kept calling until she reached her home to make sure she was okay.
However this morning i woke up with a very uneasy feeling. Uneasy because i felt that somehow my wife feels that whatever she did last year was fully justified or that she deserves to lash out because she has been so wronged. What hurts a lot is that she never acknowledged even once about what she did in feb last year. She said a lot of hurtful things. I dont expect an apology. Just an acknowledgment. It would provide some closure for me. I am now thinking about bringing this topic up in our next session. One part of me says to just forget it. Other says that i have to bring it up. because tha past me would have tried to forget it. But it would have pestered inside and i would end up resenting her. I dont want to do that anymore. I just want to bring it up so i can get some kind of closure. Somehow i am sure that she's gonna fly off the handle when i do. But i am tired living a life walking on eggshells. If she cannot handle this with some understanding, then our R cannot survive for long.
I would love to hear what you veterans out there think. Should i bring up this topic of her never acknowledging, during the session. Or is it better if i just bury this topic.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I can only speak on counseling and agree with Navy. This will take time. Like DB, probably more time than you expect. It could take six or more sessions just for your W to get to a space where she's "dumped" all her baggage.
Again, as Navy suggests, this may be very tough for you to maintain your patience, but I feel it is important to let the counselor work with your W. If you are asked how you feel about something your W says, you certainly can say that you understand your W feels that way, although you remember it differently. Agree to disagree at most, for now.
The counselor may engage you now, or later. It may be helpful for you to address any concerns or issues directly at the counselor, rather than your W. Think of the counselor as the mediator. If it's positive stuff, direct it at your W. If it's negative stuff, direct it at the counselor.
