Yeah well, when you don't give me the time to respond, I feel like my thoughts and feelings aren't worth waiting for. So I empathize with you. And I'm very sorry you feel that way, that was never my intention. And I'm sure you never meant to make me feel dismissed either.
I don't feel like you are getting it. My mind literally goes blank. There's nothing. Saying "I can't respond to that right now" would require me to actually form the thought that I couldn't respond to that right now. When what I'm fighting against is literally nothing. It's like fighting through breakwater and sucking in foam, just trying to figure out which way is up.
And I don't want to talk about it later. If I'm already gonna deal with the morass of thoughts and try and pick feelings out of wherever they run and hide, I'd rather only do it once. What I want is for you to be even more patient (you are pretty patient with me, I really can't criticize for that). What I want is for you to be more focused and let me try and work through one issue at a time. Even help me by asking questions, but not by tabling it for later. Then we have to live with the distance, the unresolved issues, for even longer. And there's enough of those to choke on already.
As for bringing things up when I'm ready, I'll never be ready. So I just have to pick my half baked time to jump in. And no time ever feels right or good. And frankly, I haven't felt that you were very approachable the last few months. Anyways, enough with my excuses. I know it's a problem, I know plenty about why it's a problem, but that doesn't make it better. I need to keep working on coping with it, just like I've spent the last 4 years trying to learn how to do.
As for you telling me that you want to improve our communication, yes you have brought it up. Not recently, but you have brought it up. It's perfectly clear to me that it bothers you. It bothers me as well. And it bothers me that it bothers you. And it bothers me that I have apparently never managed to convey to you that it bothers me.
Your arguments aren't worthless. Your feelings aren't worthless. And I'm sorry I ever made you feel differently.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
