This is the Universe saying "You need to GAL more, so you don't pay attention to songs that are NOT connected, lyrically or situationally, to you, Nor are they aimed at you. Go be happy."
I am so darn bad with words. I wasn't thinking her H caused the heart condition. I was thinking maybe her H is so scared, in addition to having a MLC, that he just can't deal with the seriousness of something like that. It is more like half a thought. My half a thought is caused by how my H is so dismissive of my problem. And by how darn surreal it was when my doctor told me I had "minor heart failure". He looked so stricken.
As to how to deal with the emotional blow of the BFF becoming the OW I am still working on that. I hate it because I still worry about her. We were only friends about 6 months before the 'body snatch'.
And she told me the first time we went to lunch I was going to be sorry I became her friend. I though it was just her strange sense of humor. Not her psychopath side.
But I felt sorry for her, because of how lonely she was, how she claimed all the other wives hated her because of the age difference between her and her husband. She also lied to me about her age. I thought she looked old for the age she claimed, but figured maybe she had just sun-worshipped too much.
Anyway, I try to just remember I have true friends, who support me now. I know that what comes around goes around.
Symptom- that made me laugh. Here's some background on her- maybe more than you need to know (kinda long) but it gives a better understanding of the extent of the sitch:
She is 33 and just filed for D from her H of 16 years because of abuse (never been with another man in her whole life). Her H has been deployed since July '11. He won't return until June this year, but not to our state- he has orders to go to Hawaii (a fact that we used to view as a relief so he can't 'just show up' at their house) She has 3 girls: 6,10 and 16 (the oldest is my GodD.)
The 4 of us (dip-op, her H, me and my H) did EVERYTHING together- and we were never aware of any abuse until he left this past July, and dip-op revealed all the years of abuse. She said she was never going to do anything until the girls were out of the house- but when she saw H starting to do the same things to D16, she knew she had to do something. My H and I (we were still fine) stepped up to give her advice and strength to talk to a lawyer and start the process. It made the 3 of us closer... H and I paid for groceries and birthday parties because her H cut her off completely- until her lawyer stepped in. She's never had a job outside the home, she was cut off from any friends and her family all live 22 hours away... her H made sure that she was isolated from the rest of the world so he could hide who he really was behind closed doors.
So know that she has "a little freedom from her H" she's scared and confused about what to do. My H and I have been helping her learn how to pay bills on-line, order things on-line and encouraging her to GAL. She is the type of person that has never known anything other than being a housewife and mom- so GAL is scary for her because she doesn't trust anyone to babysit her girls. She and I were doing things a few times a week, while my H watched all our kids. She never could quite enjoy herself while we were out- she would call and check on the girls every hour. She and I spoke everyday about 8 times a day, if not more. She comforted me when H dropped the bomb, she calmed me down when I was hyperventilating... it makes me sick to think of all the deep feelings I shared with her.
I'm an only child- she was like my sister. In fact, we were able to 'fake' being actual sisters when she became very sick and I had to take her to the hospital.... I already knew her entire medical history and I was able to give the doctors a timeline of her issues- she and I look similar, so they never questioned that I wasn't her sister and they let me stay in the hospital with her (since her H was deployed.) I know this woman better than she knows herself and we were as close as two people could ever be.... how can she say to me: "but H is my friend too"... as if his friendship is more valuable than mine so she 'has a choice to make'????? This is what hurts the most!!
She's insecure, has major trust issues and low-confidence.... she when my H showed a little interest- it probably made her feel special, and she is desperate for attention. She views my H as the knight in shining armor that cares for her and her girls (apparently she forgets all the times that *I* stepped up more than him!) Even though I can understand why she was flattered.... it doesn't excuse her taking advantage of the first man who comes along- especially because he's my H!
I really hope that her insecurities become more prevalent to H (because he's not really experienced that side of her- and as a GF, she would be untrusting and jealous.) The other problem I have is that H never felt like *my* knight in shining armor- mostly my fault because I never let him help or 'save' me.... so he gets BIG ego boost from her through all her 'problems'.... I can see this lasting for a while because he's been desperate to feel needed and gain his self-confidence back.
Can you see why I'm really nervous that this could last for a while? They give each other what they've been lacking in their individual Ms.....
How do I compete with that? H won't let me *need* him anymore. I can't boost his self confidence by telling him 'how great he is' 'how good he looks'... but he gets that from her.
I'm still a mess over this sh!t. OW hasn't talked to me in 2 days- apparently her bishop at church told her to back away from me and H (but I found this out through H so she's *still* talking to him!) I haven't talked to her at all, and I haven't mentioned this sitch to H since Monday evening, when he said: "are we going to have to talk about this every time I see you?"... so I took the hint and have zipped my mouth (which I why you guys get all the stupid details and venting!) I've been able to go dim with H- and it doesn't feel good.
I want to be the 'bigger' person and show the confident, independent person that is opposite of her (the type of person that H always said he admired in me and why he fell in love with me)... but right now, I want to crawl under the covers and scream and cry for days!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
I really hope that her insecurities become more prevalent to H (because he's not really experienced that side of her- and as a GF, she would be untrusting and jealous.) The other problem I have is that H never felt like *my* knight in shining armor- mostly my fault because I never let him help or 'save' me.... so he gets BIG ego boost from her through all her 'problems'.... I can see this lasting for a while because he's been desperate to feel needed and gain his self-confidence back.
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I'm betting thats gonna get oooooollldddd faaaasst when he is a kazillion miles away, in a hell-hole, pretty much helpless to assist. In a way, it may even push him the exact opposite way as he will prob feel frustrated he can't help. AND if it does go this way is most def in your favor since he will probably appreciate that you're a woman who is strong, capable, and knows how to stand on her own two feet.
And I wonder if going dim is going to feel better as you go along? For me, I've been NC since Sunday (ya ya I know... three WHOLE days!! lol) and I feel FANTASTIC! I felt like a walking piece of poo on the weekend when I told him I missed him. I hope it does get easier for you Pur!!
it makes me sick to think of all the deep feelings I shared with her.
And that is my biggest problem with dealing with OW and H. She has told my husband things I told her, greatly blown up I'm sure. She got inside my head and for awhile had me thinking I was the rotten one. My suspicions about my H acting different she tried to tell me it was because out oldest son and his family had moved out.
I tried to forgive her and my H. The first time he said we would work it out. But that 'we can just be friends' stuff is crap once they have entered A.
I hope you just keep being strong and doing the best you can.
I have added you to my prayers.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I just caught H in a lie!! He's never lied to me before!!!
He said he was taking the kids to the gym with him...when I called about something house related- I heard kids in the background (which I assumed were mine) but then it went silent as he was talking to me. I made a comment how the gym was really quiet- and he said "yeah." We got off the phone... then I drove by the gym (I know bad on my part) and his truck wasn't there!!
He's at OW house and the kids were mine and hers in the background!!! He probably walked out of the room so I wouldn't hear them.
I want to call him out on it and make him admit that he lied, ( I realize this isn't that big of a lie- BUT there's a lot behind this particular issue). Because it involves my kids, am I allowed to??
I know that the WAS has a tendency to lie- but I never thought mine would fall victim to this because he' always making a huge fuss about lies (especially little ones)
Please tell me what to do before pick up the phone and b!tch him out! Help!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
How about this scenario-you call and b!tch him out and in his mind he's thinking "I knew she wouldn't change. We're separated and she's still trying to control me! I'm better off without that drama"
Be the new, calm and in control Purg-you can do this. And you really don't know where he was. Yes, maybe he lied but remember your last conversation with him about dip-op?
((()))
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You know what not to do. How about this scenario-you call and b!tch him out and in his mind he's thinking "I knew she wouldn't change. We're separated and she's still trying to control me! I'm better off without that drama"
Be the new, calm and in control Purg-you can do this. And you really don't know where he was. Yes, maybe he lied but remember your last conversation with him about dip-op?
((()))
he knows he has limited time with her before he deploys and he MAY want to know her better before he ditches the mother of his kids--who CANNOT rant at him now...
But you can say, "hey I drove by her house and saw the car. You don't have to lie to me h, that just adds insult to injury. You're better than this," and leave it at that.
Anything else that comes up--IF he asks for an answer you say you need to reflect and process before answering
These are two huge 180s....and THIS is when it matters!
Stay strong!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
