Help Me Please

[cat04]

Molly,

I am sorry that you find yourself here. Just know that this is the best worst place to be. There are great people here, all at different stages of their situations that can empathize, sympathize, support, and help.

Even though we have had some REALLY rocky times, I never thought he would actually do this. He is rock solid that there is nothing that can be done and that nothing will change his mind. This is so painful to me and I have been "going through the motions" since he told me. I can't eat or sleep.

First of all, you are reading his mind. Yes you know him better than I do, but something that I have learned in life is that nothing is ever set in stone.

While there are no guarantees that your M can be saved, it isn't impossible either.

I have read Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy and I really need some further direction/support. At this time I cannot afford telephone coaching and feel so sad about that.

It is great that you have read the books.

Don't worry about the coaching, many people can't afford it and still manage to implement the DB principals into their lives.

What sort of direction or support are you looking for?

What specific questions do you have?

I have promised to make changes before, and did for awhile, then reverted back.

This is a huge thing that we talk about here.

Any changes that you make, have to be changes for you.

Additionally, you have to understand why you behaved this way in the first place, what triggers the bad behaviors/reactions and kill those things.

Doing that will allow you to make your changes permanent.

If you change simply to save the M, those changes usually don't stick, as you have learned.

We still live in the same home, although don't sleep in the same room and he has quit wearing his wedding ring. He still wants to have sex and we have. I'm not sure if this should be happening, but it is. Any feedback on that would be helpful.

I am going to share with you what I posted a long time ago to some of my friends over in the MLC forum.

The intimacy issue. Always a big one.

In my sitch, my H continued to want to be intimate with me the entire time, well over two years post bomb. Each and every time, which were always initiated by him, was followed with some sort of version of "I am sorry, we shouldn't have done that, I didn't mean for that to happen."...

For a long time, I thought, hoped, that it would keep the connection. What it really did, was shatter me, make me hate it when it did happen, because I knew he was with someone else, because I became a body and not a person, and it allowed him to still have some sort of control over me. Making the choice to not continue the behavior was not an easy one, it took me a long time to get to that point.

First, if you choose to continue the physical relationship, make sure you are protected. For your own sake.

Next, some say no physical because it is "cake eating". Some believe it keeps the connection.

I think the real answer lies within you and only you. If it is something that you can emotionally handle (ie, not feel used etc, especially if you do end up D), then go for it. If you can't handle it, it is best to stop. For your own sake.

So for now, let's say you elaborate a little more on your difficult times, his complaints, your changes and reversals, to find a starting point.