Help Me Please

[Molly V.]

Hi - My name is Molly and I have been married for a little over 10 years. Before Christmas my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. He said he would stay until the girls finished school and then would be moving out.

Even though we have had some REALLY rocky times, I never thought he would actually do this. He is rock solid that there is nothing that can be done and that nothing will change his mind. This is so painful to me and I have been "going through the motions" since he told me. I can't eat or sleep.

We have two beautiful children ages 3 and 9. I love this man, even though I will be the first to admit that I have been neglectful, distant and down right mean to him. I cannot lose this marriage, I don't want to lose our family and I don't want a divorce for my children.

I have read Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy and I really need some further direction/support. At this time I cannot afford telephone coaching and feel so sad about that.

We still live in the same home, although don't sleep in the same room and he has quit wearing his wedding ring. He still wants to have sex and we have. I'm not sure if this should be happening, but it is. Any feedback on that would be helpful.

I know I have hit "rock bottom" and realize my mistakes. It just cannot be too late. As I said before, we have had a multitude of problems. I have promised to make changes before, and did for awhile, then reverted back. He says that I am being "fake nice" right now. He says that too much has happened and there is too much resentment. He says that he cares about me, but isn't in love with me anymore and never will again.

I have made many mistakes over being insecure and jealous. I have accussed him of things and behaved badly based solely on what was in my head. He has never given me any reason to doubt him. Still, in my head I viewed any other female, friend, hobby, etc. as a threat.

Help me please with any thoughts, advice, suggestions, etc. I feel so desperate and alone!!! I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life making myself, him and our family happy. I'm not sure what else to post. I am new to this and feeling self-concious and nervous. If anyone wants more info, just ask.

I really don't think there is anyone else (OW), and he has said that there is not. He has reconnected with several family members through facebook that I have never met. One female cousin in particular, I think may be influencing him. Should I try and talk to her or do anything to address this matter? He is constantly on his cell, texting, emailing and talking to "someone???", I think her. This drives me crazy and pushes ALL my insecurity/jealous buttons.

Help me please!!!

[mr mr]

Hi Molly,
Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

I'm on my phone so I can't paste anything but as a reletive newbie myself I will say that the 37 rules were an immense help. Hopefully someone will post them for you. Print them -read them -know them -FOLLOW THEM!

Do not call his cousin, work on you for you! Become the best Molly ever! So fantastic that he'd be a fool to leave.

The key, as I have learned is to focus on you and also to do everything for you. As you have learned in the past if you try for him it doesn't last.

Lastly, the more info you give the better advice and input you will get from the veterans on this board.

Good luck and keep posting!

[JustStunned]

These are atributable to Sandi. Just to ge you started:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[angel61]

Hi Molly,

Its good you found this site, its a lifesaver. I was in the same boat as you around a year and a half ago. ExacNow we are working towards reconciliation.....


I do think your H has an OW, by the way he behaves, most likely an EA.

Read my thread, its somewhat like yours.

[Truegritter]

we have had a multitude of problems. I have promised to make changes before, and did for awhile, then reverted back.

What were those problems? What are his complaints against you? Which ones do you feel are justified? Which ones sting?

I have made many mistakes over being insecure and jealous. I have accussed him of things and behaved badly based solely on what was in my head.

Why did you think/behave this way? What made you insecure?

Should I try and talk to her or do anything to address this matter?

I wouldn't.

He is constantly on his cell, texting, emailing and talking to "someone???"

I am not a proponent for snooping even though I did it but I will say you may want to prepare yourself that there may be somebody else.

The best advice I have is what has been said to you and if you read DB and DR then you know not to do all the needy things a left behind spouse (LBS) does.

Best to get busy and look in the mirror for your answers. Identify things you want to change in yourself and I have asked you someone questions to set you on your way. The changes we call 180s doing things opposite of what you have done because that didn't work. Right?

Also GAL (Get a Life)What have you always wanted to do that you have never done?

Example: I learned to ride a horse. Languages? Cooking?

What is there for you?

[cat04]

Molly,

I am sorry that you find yourself here. Just know that this is the best worst place to be. There are great people here, all at different stages of their situations that can empathize, sympathize, support, and help.

Even though we have had some REALLY rocky times, I never thought he would actually do this. He is rock solid that there is nothing that can be done and that nothing will change his mind. This is so painful to me and I have been "going through the motions" since he told me. I can't eat or sleep.

First of all, you are reading his mind. Yes you know him better than I do, but something that I have learned in life is that nothing is ever set in stone.

While there are no guarantees that your M can be saved, it isn't impossible either.

I have read Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy and I really need some further direction/support. At this time I cannot afford telephone coaching and feel so sad about that.

It is great that you have read the books.

Don't worry about the coaching, many people can't afford it and still manage to implement the DB principals into their lives.

What sort of direction or support are you looking for?

What specific questions do you have?

I have promised to make changes before, and did for awhile, then reverted back.

This is a huge thing that we talk about here.

Any changes that you make, have to be changes for you.

Additionally, you have to understand why you behaved this way in the first place, what triggers the bad behaviors/reactions and kill those things.

Doing that will allow you to make your changes permanent.

If you change simply to save the M, those changes usually don't stick, as you have learned.

We still live in the same home, although don't sleep in the same room and he has quit wearing his wedding ring. He still wants to have sex and we have. I'm not sure if this should be happening, but it is. Any feedback on that would be helpful.

I am going to share with you what I posted a long time ago to some of my friends over in the MLC forum.

The intimacy issue. Always a big one.

In my sitch, my H continued to want to be intimate with me the entire time, well over two years post bomb. Each and every time, which were always initiated by him, was followed with some sort of version of "I am sorry, we shouldn't have done that, I didn't mean for that to happen."...

For a long time, I thought, hoped, that it would keep the connection. What it really did, was shatter me, make me hate it when it did happen, because I knew he was with someone else, because I became a body and not a person, and it allowed him to still have some sort of control over me. Making the choice to not continue the behavior was not an easy one, it took me a long time to get to that point.

First, if you choose to continue the physical relationship, make sure you are protected. For your own sake.

Next, some say no physical because it is "cake eating". Some believe it keeps the connection.

I think the real answer lies within you and only you. If it is something that you can emotionally handle (ie, not feel used etc, especially if you do end up D), then go for it. If you can't handle it, it is best to stop. For your own sake.

So for now, let's say you elaborate a little more on your difficult times, his complaints, your changes and reversals, to find a starting point.

[LITB]

Hi Molly,

Welcome to the best place that nobody wishes they had to find, but are glad they did. These forums have been a lifesaver for many of us.

What changes have you made to address the things you realize you were doing wrong in the relationship? What about changes to any of your H's complaints that he may have had(the valid ones)?

Have you been following the advice from the books?

One thing to keep in mind is that it took a long time to get to this point. It is going to plenty of time, work and patients to get it back.

As for the sex, I'd venture to say that it isn't a good idea. I'm sure others with more expertise will chime in.

Follow the 37 dos and don'ts that JS posted above to get you started.

[mishka422]

Hello Molly. I'm so sorry you have found yourself here, but you will find immense support from everyone.

I have a few questions and comments for you.

1)Give us a little background on what you mean when you say "I've been neglectful, distant, and downright mean." Examples.

2)

He still wants to have sex and we have. I'm not sure if this should be happening, but it is. Any feedback on that would be helpful.

This is a totally personal subject. The real question is, how do you feel afterward? Do you feel hurt and rejected when he returns to his own room? If so, then it probably needs to top. He is getting his physical need met without emotional attachment. You, like most women, likely attach emotional love to sex. In other words, if it hurts your heart, stop doing it.

3)Find the 37 steps...quickly. Someone has to have it posted around here. It's very helpful.

4)Have you had marriage counseling? If not, have you approached the subject?


5)How is your 9 year old handling the obvious situation?

Most of all, take time to find you in all of this. You say you know what you did wrong and really want to fix it. You've said you made changes before but they didn't "stick". Why is that?

[JustStunned]

Molly, I didn’t have time to post more than I did, and now I find you’ve gotten a lot of good advice from a lot of people I respect. I have little to add. You can see you are not alone. There is a lot to absorb, and respond to.

Your posts will take awhile to show up. Everyone is moderated in the beginning. Don’t worry they will get approved and eventually you’ll come off moderation. Use the time to read other threads, post to others also.

Some of us had more time to DB than we initially thought. My W waited almost a year to file. I suspect you have more time than you think. Use it wisely.

Recognize when you begin to feel over whelmed. Take a couple of deep breaths and change the scenery. Even that simple exercise will help one cope.

I know it is difficult with children, but I suggest getting out and doing something new with new people. Challenge yourself. I know it doesn’t seem like the time to do so when your world is crashing down around you. I submit now is precisely the time to GAL. If you can make endorphins while GALing so much the better.

I joined an archery league and a CC ski group, TG took up horseback riding, and 25’s list includes standup comic.

The point is to find things to do that take you out of this sitch and give distraction, something else to think about. It is not perfect and it takes a while, but it helps and eventually works better than I thought it would.

Lastly this site is for you, do not show H your posts as it will likely work against you.

[luvless]

So sorry you are here Molly but oh yes...there is probably someone else.

STOP having sex with him. He wants a divorce remember? Where is your dignity?

I have been where you are. You'll look back and regret it if you don't do what's good for YOU first.

Step back...let him go and work on yourself. IF he wants your marriage he will have to work for it. In the meantime you are working on you. With or without him.

Luv