Expect a roller coaster. My IC told me that periods of deep hurting will come in waves. Over time they will become less frequent, they won't last as long when they hit, but the last thing to go will be the intensity. I can tell you that many mornings I woke up thinking that the worst was passed and I had turned over a new leaf, but something would "trigger" me, and I'd go back to feeling terrible. Healing takes time.
People come to this board for many reasons, to vent, to get advice, and sometimes just for support -- to remind you that this is not your fault. Sometimes when you want support and get harsh advice, it leaves you feeling worse. Don't be shy about letting us know you just want a pat on the back if that's what you need.
I can tell you that for me, I took great comfort from reading relationship books. It was very important for me to intellectually understand how this happened to me, and how I could at all costs prevent it from happening again in the future. As 25 says, I want to be a husband that only a fool would leave. If you make that your goal, then you know that no matter what happens with your H, you WILL be able to find happiness in a relationship. You will be able to find it because you're educated. You're no longer clinging to fairy tales and Hollywood myths about "true love". You know that relationships take work, run in cycles, and there are bad times even in good relationships.
The books might not be your thing, but whatever it is, try to find it. What can you do that will make you feel good about yourself, irresistibly attractive and self confident? Figure out what it is and do it.
When we're hurting, we want to stop hurting, and we want it to happen *now*! Unfortunately, getting your marriage back on track cannot be rushed, so you need to shift your perspective and prepare for a longer process.
Definitely read "The 5 Love Languages" if you have not, whatever happens going forward, that is excellent knowledge to have.
A few things to think about:
1) What were his historic complaints about you or the relationship? What are you doing to address them?
2) What are you doing that, to him, seems like a 180? If you used to be controlling, are you letting him drive? If you used to criticize, are you being supportive? The key with 180's is consistency. You have trained H how to communicate with you over the course of years. You now need to "train" him that things are different, and that takes repetition and consistency. Talking about it does nothing, it's not credible.
3) What are you doing to deal with your anger and frustration so that you don't direct it at H? Is the IC helping with that? Does exercising help? Find something that helps and do it.
Another thing to get your mind around is that you will have to do all the work yourself if you want H back. You cannot expect him to match your efforts, or to contribute at all, it's all on you. I felt like I had to put on a 100 lb backpack full of rocks every morning and walk around with a forced smile -- that's what it takes. It's very hard. I felt like saying "hey, W, I'm doing all this work, would it kill you to be nice to be by doing Y?" The fact is, I wasn't in a position to ask, and doing so would have set me back, so you need to learn to suck it up and do it yourself and that is a very hard thing to do.
We are reconciling now and things are going overall well. W still maintains that her affairs were not "wrong" and that she does not regret them. She told our MC that we're back together because of all the changes that I made. That drove me crazy (although I didn't say anything) because it once again denied her role in contributing to where we got. She doesn't feel she needs to do any work on herself or make any changes, because she convinced herself that she didn't do anything wrong when she cheated on me and asked me for divorce.
My job is to accept that and find peace with it, because I cannot change it, and I want my marriage to succeed. That's not easy, it continues to be a challenge, but I'm committed to it. I share this with you to give you a window into what might be in your future if you end up reconciling. There is a lot for you to come to terms with, and it is a difficult journey.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
