Is There Hope?

[learning2listen]

Have a plan for you.. not based on what he does or says. I know easier said then done. But it is what needs to be done...

Let me give you an example, my H has told me there is still hope for us, or at least he hopes there is, then he throws at me, if I dont do this or that (usually in regards to money..) it will end any chance of us getting back together.

I discovered recently I was basing all of my decisions on HIM..I will openly admitt I want us to work out, no matter what, but I can not live playing various different scenerios in my head.. I cant pre plan for the reconcilation, it will either happen or it wont.

I can "guess" on the why he is doing what he is doing, but I dont know, and funny thing is he wont tell me. I try to rationalize it with its a mlc or depression or a combination of both, but that doesnt take the pain away, and it doesnt help me.. I dont know if he will snap out of this and miss his family or if he will be happier with out us and being a part time dad, I cant allow myself to go there...

Everyday I think of all my personal accomplishments, I am a wonderful mother, I am smart, I am beautiful and I am ok.. I am not at peace with my separation, but I am ok. I grow more and more everyday I accomplish something whether it be simply getting out of bed, or actually doing something. I find strenght in me. I am much stronger than I thought.

I am not going to give up on my H or my marriage, probably not until the day I die, but I will not let it consume my every thought. I will let go of that "backpack" I cant change where he is at, I spent over a decade with this man, I had a family.. it wasnt perfect, but it could have been my perfect... He will either see that or he wont. I will not carry the burden of the blame nor will I allow myself to blame him... I dont know if it helps...

I personally think that somewhere in your mind you think once your ex comes back he will remember all your good times and want to put it all back together, and trust me when I say that is not impossible.. it is just not in your power to know.. dont try to predict the outcome of something in your head..