Trying to make it to the bye week

[MadeToSucceed]

It's been forever and then some since I've ventured back to the board and largely out of just "trying to stay away." I've working on healing and just finding ways to move on but inside there is still a huge part of me that is "stuck."

Its been since October when we last had any communication. I have no clue what she is doing but I'm fairly confident that things with OM are still ongoing. She hasn't reached out to me at all, nor have I to her.

The holidays were rough. I found myself thinking about her alot but all the same, I've done quite a bit of traveling the past couple months.

I finished out my Fall semester strong and now I'm only 3 classes and a 10 day study abroad trip in May away from graduating with my MBA.

My brother has moved in to my apt with me. I'm trying to help him get on track in life (he's 22 and was struggling in college) and in a therapeutic way it is really helping me also. There is a woman that I'm "seeing" that I like a lot. She is a couple years older than me and we have some mutual friends. She's aware of my sitch and has been very understanding and isn't rushing me into anything. It has been comforting to have someone to spend time with though and someone that genuinely expresses her appreciation for me just as a person.

At the same time, I still have a ways to go. I've been having dreams about my ex and I don't know why. Sometimes I wonder where she is or what she's doing or does she think about me like I do her and then I get frustrated with myself.

25 told me to take it in 3 month chunks and then reassess. Well the last time she and I had a dialogue was at mediation in mid Oct. After her "I miss u" email in mid November, I haven't gotten one peep from her.

I spent New Years with friends but we were actually at a house right down the street from my old house and for a moment I found myself staring out the window and just wondering "how did I get here?"

I've been trying to shake it but for whatever reason I still wonder. This is kind of a stream of consciousness so hopefully I didn't confuse everyone. I'll try to look through some of your sitches and get caught up. It's been a while since I've been on here but I appreciate and value you all more than you know.

People continue to tell me they think that this is all going to come crashing down around her at some point and that she's going to come back but I just can't see it and honestly, don't know what I'd do if that happened. I have a scar that runs deep and I just don't know how to heal it entirely.

I'm continuing to trust my faith and just find productive ways to keep my mind off of it but it is tough sometimes still. Not as tough as before but I have days that are harder than others. Today is one of them for some reason.