W and I ate dinner last night and I keep feeling that she is looking at me. The one problem is that I don't like making eye contact. So I guess I should look at her when I have that feeling? Last night while eating I started convo just mentioned that today would be very cold. She said "I heard". So I shut it. She is now eating faster and finishing her meals before me. So I have noticed that she waits until I am done. After we finished I cleaned my plate and while she was by the sink she said "look I made chicken for tomorrow" She had a smile. I said thank you. I guess these are some positives.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I had posted earlier that 3 females that work for me have R trouble. Two are LBS and one a WAW. The one LBS's D was final last week and she looks very sad. The other LBS separated recently. Her H had a 2rd child with his mistress. She is about 28. She seems to be ok but also sad. The WAW was seen with a new guy last Saturday. She has been separated for about 3 or 4 months and seems happy as heck? Just thought I'd share.
This morning on my way to work I felt anger towards me. I was thinking about how this sitch kicked my a@@. I have always been a strong person and could not believe how weak I became because of it. Hopefully this is normal. Other than that my day is good so far. I really need to GAL on weekdays. It is hard because of my schedulle but need to find at least one day to do stuff with others. Weekends I have covered. I was thinking about dance lessons. I think I saw something near by so will search. When I was 18 I took jazz dance lessons just because I was interested in a girl there. She ended up sleeping with my friend so I never learned how to jazz?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I give up. I am tired and done. I want what ever is going to happen to just happen. Get it over with.El Fin the end finito please. I am really beginning to dislike her very much maybe the D was the right thing to do. But she needs to hand in the paper work. I think I had it. I wonder if I ever really loved her. Wonder if I really showed her true love. Dunno I don't know what that really looks like anyway.
Maybe that is my problem? Sorry to vent But I do not know what I want anymore
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
How about getting out of the funk you're in. The thing about not being able to look at your W makes you sound like a sad puppy dog. It would make anyone uncomfortable. It's hard as hell and we all go through the same mood swings you do.
What can you do to pull yourself out of the hole you feel you're in?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i saw that you made three posts yesterday and as the day progressed you seemed to get more demoralized. can you identify any specific trigger for this?
as someone who has been divorced myself, and known others who have as well, it seems that your emotions are normal. i would not associate these feelings with a lack of strength. but i also recognize we all want to have a sense of pride and dignity with ourselves - and that is why it's so good to see you have a GAL strategy going on. among other benefits, it will help restore that sense of liking yourself and believing in yourself. well worth doing for that reason alone.
i think if you could fast forward 10 years and look back at yourself, you would really like yourself - for taking your marriage and family seriously, for being willing to improve yourself, for taking on very difficult emotional tasks.
only you know how long you can do this and when it's just not worth it for you. i do think you are a good observer - the small things you noticed the other night are exactly the types of things you need to notice. no one single thing is going to tell you either way where your W is. yet, if you start noticing a pattern or a trend with these small things, the data becomes more meaningful.
i encourage you - if you have it within yourself - to keep trying out some of these ideas (even if your heart is only half in it). GAL, doing small things differently, listening for feedback, not over-pursuing - these are things you have proven to yourself you can do even though they are all difficult in their own way.
my instinct (take it with a grain of salt, please) tells me your W is curious about what's going on with you.
i hope you let your friends and supporters here know how it's going today. and i'm sure they're with you all the way, no matter how this unfolds for you.
onyourside I think the biggest trigger is the feeling that she does not care. I know she cares she has told me so even when this all happened. But her actions say something different to me. I have always complained to her about it and I now know that my expectations were off. She is who she is. I am still working on not being resentful. I have to say that living under these circumstances is really really hard and crazy.
The thing is that latetly I have been thinking back as to when we met. She had recently broken up with her BF.( I was also M at that time). Not sure if she broke up before or while with me. But she never spoke about him or any feelings it was as if he never existed. So I get the feeling that she will do the same to me. So I guess I go into fight/flight mode?
I really think that she has wanted to be free since 2009 and my outburst over the summer was the catalyst. She is very quiet, stoic, and proud. I am the opposite, loud and emotional. But have managed to keep it in check for the past few months. So that is where my head is at today. Thanks for checking in
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I should mention that when I got angry and loud with W and D in June after hearing that she fell 4 classes and everything else that followed. I have been thinking that I have been a crappy H and father. But this past weekend my D and I were playing video games and I asked her about her spedning so much time in her room. She started remembering things we did when she was just a couple of years younger. We had a pick up truck with an awesome sound system. On Wednesdays when W went to work I will some times take a vacation day or just call in sick. We wold hop on the truck on a hot summer day listen to loud music and hit the beach or go crabbing or fishing. She really liked doing that kind of stuff with me. And we did it often. So maybe I have not been that bad of a dad. i have never gotten angry with hwer before, sure frustrtaed when she did not wanted to get up but not like I did in June. I promised her that that was the 1st and last time.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
i feel for your daughter, too, rick. it's pretty common for kids to show their emotional distress over their parents marital problems by tanking in school. i hope you can consider that. and i'm glad you are giving yourself credit for being a good father.
in my first marriage, my former W would complain that i did not care about her. that really frustrated me since i knew i did. yet - as i later learned - i was showing care in dollars whereas where she grew up care was shown in euros - if you get what i mean. my efforts at care did not translate well because she did not associate those things with caring behaviors. so ever since then i've tried more to understand how to translate my good intentions and love into a form the other person regards as such. clumsily at times, i might add!
so - it's possible that there is or was more of that there with your W then you recognize. plus, "quiet, stoic and proud" probably has a harder time showing their care and regard in any currency!
i do hope that, for everyone's sake - you can be the proactive one to create some room and space and help take some of the tension away for all. btw, where do you and W sleep in your household?
"in my first marriage, my former W would complain that i did not care about her. that really frustrated me since i knew i did. yet - as i later learned - i was showing care in dollars whereas where she grew up care was shown in euros"
onyourside that^^^^^ is it. My W cared for me with buying things, cooking or doing things. She is very much into money and gift giving. Don't get me wrong I liked those things also but she was not very emotional or physical which I am.
Intially I was sleeping in our great room's couch but could not sleep so one night I went into or bed where she was sleeping and she freaked out. So I stayed in our marital bed and she relocated to the living room and sleeps on the couch. We do have a spare room with a bed and TV but she has opted for the couch?
Regarding my D she failed all of those classes before any of this happened. But I wonder now if we were having problems and my D was being affected. I don't remember arguing much during the last couple of years until my out burst this summer. I am gone most of the day and when I am home I just watch TV down stairs and say very little. My W is usually in the office working or out at the barn for about 3-4 hours everyday except Wednesdays.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
