Is There Hope?

[Oneeleven]

J.S, Pur, ANS and 25, thank you so much for your time, your words, your empathy, and most of all, for sharing your wisdom.

I know that my sitch seems like the least important (for lack of a better word) on this board as we are not married and were only together a very short time, relatively speaking.

I agree that he is not good partner material as he is now. And slowly, but surely, as my dignity, mind, spine and self confidence return, I know not only that I CAN'T be with him like this (even if he comes back) but I don't WANT to be with him like this.

Something interesting, his marriage broke up when the ex wife got tired of the things that he did badly, or in some cases didn't do at all. When she brought up things like, being messy, him not cooking, him being lazy, and him not being 'romantic' with her (common complaints right? lol) its funny because he was not like that with me. He, right up until he deployed, was my master chef, my Mr. Fix-it, was SO romatic with me, in a really beautiful and unique way. He made me feel special, loved and treasured, EVERY SINGLE DAY. But it's like he fixed the problems he had with her, for me - his next relationship. But the things that bothered me, didn't seem to be big of an issue for her. Such as; his constant anger outbursts, his bad temper, his suffocating negative attitude, and his self centred-ness. A few things she said he did while with her would have sent me to the moon (or running - depending on how involved I was with him at that point) IE: getting bombed, smashed, trashed, stumbling drunk every single Friday. Or going out drinking after work and never calling nor coming home after, with minimal explanation afterwards.

So it would seem he is a work in progress. I think, after time to reflect on his own over a loss, he tries to change things he knows are wrong/illy placed in his mannerisms. I think that the things that the person (who is close to him at the time) said sink in and if he is in agreement (in his heart) he implements those changes.
IE: I bet for the 'next woman' he will try and be more patient (a huge complaint of mine) or will try and curb his temper.

So I agree that it will take losing me to change what is 'wrong' with him for the next woman.

But one thing I have made a mental note of: With his ex, they started fighting on the regular, he started complaining he didn't want the constant fighting, they started to grow apart, he suggested divorce, she didn't fight him on it, and so it went through. But from her lips, she didn't want the divorce but never show that to him on it, or even really let him know that she didn't want it in any way. (she went to a friends house and cried for 2 weeks, but never told him she was devasted. Then started divorce proceedings asap).

And with him, being that he is a bull-head. He makes a decision and then sticks with it, no matter what. Even if he doubt that decision. We have talked about that a lot with him. And even while in Thailand, he said he was worried he was throwing away the best thing that will ever happen to him, partner-wise and that he feared he would never meet another woman he felt so connected with, but, it was what it was.

So I don't think he will come back to me because no matter what, he is too stubborn. Hell, he went through with a divorce he told me that he didn't really want at the time, just because of his pride. I can't see him bothering to break that pattern now for just a "lil' ole' girlfriend" but I do believe he will change for the next person.

Does that make sense?

BUT

I don't think that anything he changes is permanant unless HE wants to change it.

I know from experience, when you make changes to yourself, solely for the benefit or 'gain' of someone else, those changes NEVER last.

God, every day that passes, I am a bundle of nerves. It's seems weird but I am both cartwheel-preforming excited over his return, and barfing in the toliet fearful, all at the same time.

[Oneeleven]

Just journaling:

I am feeling out of sorts today.

Last night I woke up every hour on the hour because I was having dream after dream of ex.

Some were good and I would kind of realise I guess (in my sleep) that something wasn't right with the scenario, and I would wake up. And then of course, I would feel kind of sad because I knew that it was just a dream and reality set in once more.

Or they were of the 'nightmare' variety. Him yelling at me and kicking me out in the snow the night he returns, or him coming home with POW. Or one was me calling POW at her work. That one woke me up at 2:30 am and I was feeling all angry and it kept me up for a while after that.

Ugg! Its hard enough to control what we "can control". The dreams I have NO choices over.

lol!

Funny, but not funny.

[Oneeleven]

And 25: I totally unintentionally ingnored your "what are my GAL and future plans for myself"

I have to admit, I am not doing anything HUGE out of the ordinary. GALing for me was finally having the b@lls to take off my E-ring and fess up to people that 'we' were over. That was huge for me. I've been living a lie since I returned at the end of Oct to pretty much everyone. And people as A LOT since I work for the military and everyone knows his tour date was ending soon.

GALing for me was to actually pull myself out of bed and eat,(1st step) not just sit on the couch and surf the net (2nd step) to get stuff done around the house I'd been putting off (really nitty-gritty stuff,IE: organizing the tool room) (3rd step) on onwards and so forth. I may sound super-boring, but I live deep in the suburbs, it's winter here and I don't drive, and to be honest, I am a bit of a loner and really enjoy say.... a snowshoe with the dog by ourselves over a beer in the pub with friends type deal, ANY DAY! lol

My future? I will be honest, I am NOT thinking very far ahead. I still haven't even concretely planned on what province (I live on a provincial line.. kinda of a weird sitch).
So far, the only future I've planned is to suck it up and stay in the EXs house till May so I can go on the trip that is bought and paid for at the beginning of April. But at the end of March/beginning of April, I will have decided where I am moving to and hopefully will have selected a place.

Baby steps.

Not bad considering that after the rupture on 27-Dec, I honestly thought my life was over.

[Oneeleven]

And.. one more...

CONFESSION:

I am SH*T scared he is going to come home the first night and tell me that he really bonded with POW in A-Stan and that he is going to continue the R with her now that they are back in the "real world".

I am trying to come up with all the possible different scenarios which MAY happen when he returns. Most of them I have a pretty good plan of action, or reaction. BUT THIS ONE? Ugg... I know I will falter. What do I say to that? "Good for you ex, I hope she and you are very happy" or "You friggen A-hole!!" K, k, I'm joking a bit on that last one.

Any suggestions on how to 'deal' should this scenario (god forbid) play out are welcome with open ears

[learning2listen]

you will drive your self crazy with the what ifs... dont do it! alot of things "may" happen, but you cant predict them... you need to let it go for now, focus on the things you have control over, the things YOU need.. if taking a snow shoe walk makes you happy then go for a walk.. little things get us through each and every hour..

I have had the "what if" converations in my head, and I have learned all it does is make me even more freaked out! so i let it go, i turned the corner, and it actually feels good not to worry of the things i can not control... I focus my energies on the things I can, you know you need to move, regardless if its the end of Feb or the first of May, you know that is happening, so spend your time finding the answer to that, put your energy into the things you have to do.. leave the "what ifs" out in la la land, that is exactly where they belong.

[Oneeleven]

you will drive your self crazy with the what ifs... dont do it! alot of things "may" happen, but you cant predict them... you need to let it go for now, focus on the things you have control over, the things YOU need.. if taking a snow shoe walk makes you happy then go for a walk.. little things get us through each and every hour..

I have had the "what if" converations in my head, and I have learned all it does is make me even more freaked out! so i let it go, i turned the corner, and it actually feels good not to worry of the things i can not control... I focus my energies on the things I can, you know you need to move, regardless if its the end of Feb or the first of May, you know that is happening, so spend your time finding the answer to that, put your energy into the things you have to do.. leave the "what ifs" out in la la land, that is exactly where they belong.

Oh I hear you on that. And I love trying to let go of trying to control stuff we cannot. It's very freeing.

This is more, I am trying to have a 'plan' of how I *want* to react to several scenarios, just regarding the night he returns.

You think I should even not 'plan' that?

I just figured if you don't have an idea of how you will react given the WORST case scenario, if that happens, you will be completely unprepared and perhaps react/act really badly if shocked with it?

I guess I'm trying to plan for the worst here.

[learning2listen]

Have a plan for you.. not based on what he does or says. I know easier said then done. But it is what needs to be done...

Let me give you an example, my H has told me there is still hope for us, or at least he hopes there is, then he throws at me, if I dont do this or that (usually in regards to money..) it will end any chance of us getting back together.

I discovered recently I was basing all of my decisions on HIM..I will openly admitt I want us to work out, no matter what, but I can not live playing various different scenerios in my head.. I cant pre plan for the reconcilation, it will either happen or it wont.

I can "guess" on the why he is doing what he is doing, but I dont know, and funny thing is he wont tell me. I try to rationalize it with its a mlc or depression or a combination of both, but that doesnt take the pain away, and it doesnt help me.. I dont know if he will snap out of this and miss his family or if he will be happier with out us and being a part time dad, I cant allow myself to go there...

Everyday I think of all my personal accomplishments, I am a wonderful mother, I am smart, I am beautiful and I am ok.. I am not at peace with my separation, but I am ok. I grow more and more everyday I accomplish something whether it be simply getting out of bed, or actually doing something. I find strenght in me. I am much stronger than I thought.

I am not going to give up on my H or my marriage, probably not until the day I die, but I will not let it consume my every thought. I will let go of that "backpack" I cant change where he is at, I spent over a decade with this man, I had a family.. it wasnt perfect, but it could have been my perfect... He will either see that or he wont. I will not carry the burden of the blame nor will I allow myself to blame him... I dont know if it helps...

I personally think that somewhere in your mind you think once your ex comes back he will remember all your good times and want to put it all back together, and trust me when I say that is not impossible.. it is just not in your power to know.. dont try to predict the outcome of something in your head..

[Oneeleven]

Oh L2L, I would DEF love if things will be okay when he gets back.

But... I am preparing myself that we will NOT. I am not expecting a single thing. And I have no idea what his frame of mind will be when he walks through that door. HECK I don't even know if he'll be single!

I guess all I can do is go with the flow and stay as strong as possible so I can deal with whatever comes my way.

Thanks for the advice

[learning2listen]

one, let me ask you for advice for a minute... what would you think about the fact my H hasnt taken his wedding ring off, we have been separated for 5 months now, we barely speak outside of the children and small talk... what would that mean to you... also I have done my fair share of snooping.. and he is getting alot of text messages from his former "room mate" which he has proclaimed is just a friend, and he doesnt seem to be intiating the conversations...

[purgatory]

111- can I borrow some of you 'strong' mentality???

I've been arguing with myself daily: I *know* that I need to detach and plan for a life without him.... but my heart wont let the F go!!!

I'm really impressed at the progress and changes you have made in the short time since you've come to these boards... I see great things happening for you!!!
Keep it up!!