Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Had a hard time with the time delay, but R is getting really tough and hard again and I need a place to vent and people who can offer advice and support.

Still riding the roller coaster, but feel I am into a deep tunnel underground right now. Against the good advice here and DB'ing, I did bring up the OM right around Christmas and how it hurt knowing she was continuing to build a relationship with him, and how I felt it undermines any work she says she wants to do in working on our relationship (I still have a very hard time thinking she will take down any part of her wall or even consider positive/loving feelings toward me again while she has this fairy tale "happiness" connected and waiting in the wings). She said again she knows it is wrong and they need to end it, spoke to him on the phone about it...that lasted about 7 days this time before she "just had" to communicate with him again. I truly understand and know the advice offered above and elsewhere on these boards to be true, I can't talk sense into her about this and it will have to be something she comes to on her own (or perhaps with some 3rd neutral party advice...see below).

Says she wants to work on us and give it an honest effort (though I internally debate how "honest" it is on her side) and we are doing some program stuff and looking into a new MC and maybe IC to try.

Positive things: We are still in the same house, same bed, basically friendly and helpful to each other, kids are unaware (we think for the most part), sometimes intimate (but she doesn't want full SI), and little things give me hope like her buying me some new t-shirts when she was out, or saying some of the things she hears and reads in the program makes sense and she wants to learn more.

Negative things: She still deflects basically everything and this is almost all my fault (and of course she wasn't looking for this relationship with OM, it just happened), we are trying the program where we are supposed to temporarily "send our issues" away and just focus on building a positive relationship environment, but she is critical of it, rolls her eyes a lot and says she likes the idea that this can help her with her next relationship. I have been much better about not snooping, but failed majorly yesterday in that area...read her texts to OM and saw all this stuff about "I really see myself with you in the future, I can't wait till we can really be together, I love you so much, miss you so much, I love that you call them "our girls" (referring to my children), I think about our wedding and having your baby..." I lost it! was literally seeing red and in a rage like I have never felt (I think in many ways because it seems like this guy thinks he can just take my place and my wife seems to want that). I was ready to call or find OM and fortunately my wife was not home when I got home so I had time to cool off a bit and not completely blow it by kicking her out of the house or leaving myself. She knew something was wrong, and that I likely "did" something, but we have not talked about anything yet.

Well pastor friend helped me cool down more, and again helped make it clear that the snooping is just killing me and not helping anything (super hard for me because I like to gather info and know as many pieces as I can in making choices, but I have deleted the way I was doing it, so easy temptation is gone). I just continue to be furious and struggle with the idea of this OM hanging around and building a stronger relationship with my wife while she says she is working on us. I know I can't make her stop, I can only do things myself. DB'ing by pulling away and going dim just seems sooo risky to me right now given that our main problem is our connection and I fear me going cold will just drive her toward what she thinks is her perfect "happiness". But I also feel like she might not really see and feel the costs and consequences of her actions unless I up the ante somehow.

Right now my strength and patience is my three little girls. I can't mess up this chance with my W to fix things, no matter how hard and hopeless it sometimes seems, because I KNOW our separation would devastate my daughters and it will have major negative impacts on many aspects of their lives now and in the future. My W says she knows this too, but again deflects and says when she is happy (with OM in her fairytale), she things a lot of other things in her life will be better too and that will help the kids, and she had one of her friends tell her about her own parents bad marriage and how she wished her parents would have separated (great, thanks "friend"). She is a smart women, and I want to encourage her to research the effect of divorce on young kids to really get a better sense of what she is working toward...but I don't know if that would help or hurt anything.

I did covertly call a co-worker and friend of hers today who she mentioned she confided some of our problems with to ask for her help on the down low. This is an older, married woman who my wife respects and that she attends church with. I did not go into details, but basically asked is friend could try to step in and listen to my wife and offer council and advice as she felt comfortable (and she is a woman I know believes in marriage and really trying to work through problems). I also asked her not to mention my calling her so as to better present a neutral, 3rd party point of view...a point of view that I think, and hope will be along the lines of "you really need to step back from OM and work on your marriage first". Told her I don't expect her to fix our problems and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I hope a different view and angle and maybe "better" influence might plant a seed or trigger something. I may not know if it does anything, but I feel I need to do anything and everything I can for me and my kids to work through this.

So any advice or thoughts of my sitch are greatly appreciated. I need to struggle thru the rest of today Wed 1/18 knowing from my last snoop that she was hoping to see OM after work today. I need to be cool tonight and not get into it with her, but I also need to figure out my next steps...I am willing to take a lot of the pain and anguish of this situation for awhile to shelter my kids, but I just don't know how long it can go on...I guess I really need to find a way to detach and GAL while trying to work on positive aspects of our R and not being too "cold" toward her. I also hope if I can drag this out over enough time, the "magic" of OM will fade and reality might set in a bit more.

Thank you in advance for any help