Enough with the lies - what is going on???

[Accuray]

EA,

You are right that the conversation and behavior last night was not DB. That happens to all of us, don't beat yourself up. *However* you need to do a gut check and decide what you want going forward -- do you want a divorce, or do you want your H back?

Unfortunately you do need to decide that, and once you do, stick to a path. Bouncing back and forth will only make things worse. If you want to DB, you have to fully commit or it will have very little chance of success.

Right now you are looking to demonstrate to H how miserable he's making you, and what he's doing to you. You are trying to make him face consequences. That is a natural thing to do, but it will not work.

The absolute best thing I read when I was in your situation is that everything you do now needs to be measured against the yardstick of creating resentment. Whether you deserve it or not, H resents you right now. Here's what he resents you for:

-- He resents you for making him feel badly / guilty about the EA / PA that he wants to feel good about
-- He resents you for making him responsible for your happiness at a time that he doesn't want to provide it
-- He resents you for demanding that he face the consequences of his actions -- he doesn't want to on his own, so in his view, you are "making" him feel badly

He resents you, because you are making him feel badly (in his mind). Because you are making him feel badly, he wants to avoid you. When you pursue him, you make him run farther away.

Each step farther away that you chase him, you'll need to painfully regain later. One goal for now would be to not chase him any further.

Imagine that you have a 6 foot foam block between you. If you press in 2 feet, it's going to push him out 2 feet. As long as he doesn't move, the pressure keeps building. What happens if you move away 2 feet? The foam block falls on the floor. Now, he is free to move 2 feet back toward you without feeling any pressure from the block. Does that make sense?

What does that mean practically? If you can work on yourself, find your own happiness, and "act as if" you're not thinking about or worrying about what he's doing, then you make it "safe" for him to approach you. If you seem to be having fun and doing your own thing, he will be curious and will be interested in approaching you. You won't be making him feel badly anymore -- instead you'll have the promise of allowing him to share in the good times you are having without him. That's the impression you want to give.

You want to have plans right now. You want to be going out and having fun and not telling him what you're doing, when or why. Initially this will all be acting. You'll be obsessing about him. The act of being left is a rejection, and when we are rejected, we want to "belong" again with irrational passion and resolve. Know that is happening to you. It has less to do with him, and more to do with being left behind. That's extremely painful and unfortunately, even if he came back tomorrow he couldn't help you get over that -- you have to get over that by yourself with or without him.

If you want him back, you need to cease scolding, you need to completely drop asking him to face consequences. You need to stop demonstrating how sad he has made you. You need to pretend that what he's done doesn't matter. You can normalize it -- "everyone enjoys attention from members of the opposite sex. Everyone enjoys being made to feel special. We both allowed our relationship to get off track. I understand what I contributed to the situation, and I'm willing to do the work for my own benefit to make that better. I would like our marriage to work. My decision is to save this relationship. I can't force you make the same decision and I won't try. That choice is up to you". That's the sentiment he needs to understand IF you want to go the route of getting him back.

You also need to understand this: he may never apologize, and you need to make peace with that. You may never see remorse. That needs to be OK. We are trained by movies and television that the wayward spouse comes crawling back with tears in their eyes and offers a heartfelt apology. That doesn't happen in real life. In real life the wayward spouse feels self-righteous. They believe that their transgressions are your fault, and their OM/OW validates them and convinces them that they are a wonderful person, so you must be the evil one. You as the LBS will feel guilty -- at some point you may feel this was all your fault, that you drove him away. Those are normal feelings. The fact is that his actions are inexcusable, he knows at a deep level that what he is doing is wrong, but his brain is working in overdrive to build rationalizations and convince himself that he's ok. He needs to do that for his mental health and peace of mind. He will re-write history and paint you as a villain or a caricature of yourself to pull this off, and he will likely never, ever apologize OR face the consequences of his actions.

In that context, do you want him back?

Think long and hard about that, make your decision, and commit. There is no wrong answer, only an answer that is right for you.

Accuray