OT, I did stop smoking thanks to the vicious illness I've been battling. I had been cutting back gradually but this finally just stopped me cold turkey and I couldn't be happier!
I'm using the saved money on groceries. For heavens sakes, I haven't been able to get much more than top ramen (ewwww and SO not healthy) and eggs. Thankfully, the eggs are pretty healthy from a protein standpoint, not so much on the cholesterol with as often as we have been eating them. I've gotten pretty expert at separating eggs though so I put one whole egg with two whites to cut the cholesterol and keep the protein.
As far as doing for others, I haven't been able to for the last week because I've been so sick and it has felt horrible. While I have been in the bed I've been relying on Gabe and Marc to do everything. The house now looks even more like vagrants have been occupying it. It's going to take me a while to get it put back together and cleaned up but I won't say anything about it. They have been making sure I get the meds and stuff I need so that's most important.
I made a massive mistake this morning and now I'm finding that this R is on borrowed time. Gabe went out to pick up breakfast since we were out of food completely. I told him exactly what I wanted. When he came back the restaurant had put sausage instead of bacon and the hashbrowns were totally not right (yes people, it was horribly unhealthy...it was waffle house, I'll admit it right now but after a week of broth I was finally hungry for something that would stick to my ribs...and my thighs apparently). I told him what they had done. Not my best move. I should have just shut up and been satisfied that he went out to get it when I asked. I didn't say it like I was accusing and criticizing him, I made sure that I said that they had done it wrong so that he would know and not go to that one again. He only heard it as criticism of him and blew up. He wouldn't talk to me at all. Considering that I still have no real voice and have to whisper I couldn't tell him I was sorry so I texted it to him. He didn't answer me by text or by voice. He was in the next room.
I could see it in his eyes. He's got those vibes coming off of him that I saw before the bomb. Passive aggressive, silent treatment, caving himself in, and then jumping on the phone texting his fingers numb with someone.
So people, I think I'm looking at a little over a month until he finds someone to leave me for. I think he probably already has someone he can leave me for but he has to wait until after his dad comes to visit next month.
Sigh.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That all sounds cr@p, I'm so sorry. I hope you are on the mend.
I don't want you to feel in my post that I am undermining the gabe issue but I know that you know what to do with this one. You know all the db techniques and if you choose to use them I know you will do an awesome job.
I want to talk about you and the huge emotional rollercoaster that you put yourself through, whether it be with gabe's actions or your self esteem. I know what it's like and I hate to see you go through it because it is exhausting for you. The thing is, it is hard to deal with because it is a personal thing we go through and something we can't show to the world. The thing is, that whatever the issue that sends you on it, you have to learn to recognise the signs so you can get off it before it takes over because it does a person no good mentally and it takes it's toll physically and it is not a happy way to live your life.
Once you have that under control you will be in a stronger place to deal with what life throws at you. Often it is the fear in precipitation that is worse than the thing itself. Look, you are a grown woman and you are quite able to make decisions (like whether or not to smoke etc by yourself- and I say that as a non smoker who hates it). If you want to smoke, come here to talk about your feelings then this is a safe place to do so. But recognise what is healthy for you and what sends you on that emotional rollercoaster. I often find that personally when I post here about stuff then i am on that rollercoaster.
You know we all love you here and want to help. But once you find that point of strength, and everybody has it no matter who they are, then you will be in a better place to handle life's curve balls. But give yourself a break and don't be hard on yourself.
If gabe is starting down that line again then you need to come from a place of strength, for Marc and you. And mish, I know you won't believe me when I say it, but you are one of the strongest on here.
Sending you love J
P.s- saw a pic of you in the alt the other day and I thought how lovely you were looking. Sorry about typos and grammar, it is hard to type on an iPod!
I'm back at work today after laying on my couch for over a week. UGH! I still don't have a voice which makes trying to do my job very interesting. I talk on the phone all day! Our receptionist is trying to warn them not to make me talk too much or asking them to just email me what they need. So far, not too bad.
Gabe has caught what I had so there will be no sitting him down to talk things out while he is in this frame of mind! I swear, every time I get the guts to say something the timing is just wrong. Maybe that is a sign of some sort.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Sweetie, he's got issues. The fact that he took a comment about them screwing up the order personally says more about him than you. He turned it into something about how he failed to check the order or some such I guess. Why do you think that made him so defensive? Does he feel that insecure with you? That useless? Does he need the praise that much?
On to bigger and better things. Congrats on going completely off smoking!!!! Keep it up!!!!!
Glad to hear you are feeling well enough to be back at work. It's great that the receptionist is looking out for you. Take it easy on yourself and make sure you keep getting better.
As for Gabe, definitely not a good time to talk to him if he's sick. I wouldn't take that as a sign of anything bad though. Use the time to think over what you want to discuss with him. Plus, it'll give him time to get over his defensive reaction and cool off.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ok, so now he's super sick. Caught what I had but thankfully he doesn't seem to be developing the tonsillitis. That was the worst part. Marc is sick too but just a stuffy nose an sore throat so he has continued to go to school.
I'm on the mend. Still have a slight sore tonsil (left side now only) and a raspy voice with lots of breaks. It's pretty interesting trying to talk on the phone at work.
As far as our R goes, I'm just not even thinking about it anymore. The realization came while I was in the shower yesterday (you know, where all great thoughts seem to formulate) that I decided to accept crumbs and I can chose to keep the status quo which is comfortable in some ways and scary in others or I can completely destroy my family unit because of my sick need to be secure.
What is security anyway? Is anyone ever really secure? No! We are all proof of that. If someone wants to walk away from you,they will and no amount of vowing before God, legal paperwork, or children will keep them there.
So, in thinking through that, I've decided the status quo is better for me and Marc than the alternative. When Gabe decides to walk away again, I'll just have to adjust to that new status quo.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
The realization came while I was in the shower yesterday (you know, where all great thoughts seem to formulate) that I decided to accept crumbs and I can chose to keep the status quo which is comfortable in some ways and scary in others or I can completely destroy my family unit because of my sick need to be secure.
Or you can break the cycle and allow things to get better.
And why is your desire to be secure sick? Because there are so many things outside your control? That doesn't make your desire sick, we all have that desire. Why are you beating up on yourself about it? Frist, there are different types of security. You seem to be focused on partner security. Just because you don't feel secure in your relationship with Gabe doesn't mean you couldn't ever. Or that you shouldn't expect to.
Why put it on him to walk away? Why settle for the status quo?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
