Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

Symptom- that made me laugh. Here's some background on her- maybe more than you need to know (kinda long) but it gives a better understanding of the extent of the sitch:

She is 33 and just filed for D from her H of 16 years because of abuse (never been with another man in her whole life). Her H has been deployed since July '11. He won't return until June this year, but not to our state- he has orders to go to Hawaii (a fact that we used to view as a relief so he can't 'just show up' at their house) She has 3 girls: 6,10 and 16 (the oldest is my GodD.)

The 4 of us (dip-op, her H, me and my H) did EVERYTHING together- and we were never aware of any abuse until he left this past July, and dip-op revealed all the years of abuse. She said she was never going to do anything until the girls were out of the house- but when she saw H starting to do the same things to D16, she knew she had to do something. My H and I (we were still fine) stepped up to give her advice and strength to talk to a lawyer and start the process. It made the 3 of us closer... H and I paid for groceries and birthday parties because her H cut her off completely- until her lawyer stepped in. She's never had a job outside the home, she was cut off from any friends and her family all live 22 hours away... her H made sure that she was isolated from the rest of the world so he could hide who he really was behind closed doors.

So know that she has "a little freedom from her H" she's scared and confused about what to do. My H and I have been helping her learn how to pay bills on-line, order things on-line and encouraging her to GAL. She is the type of person that has never known anything other than being a housewife and mom- so GAL is scary for her because she doesn't trust anyone to babysit her girls. She and I were doing things a few times a week, while my H watched all our kids. She never could quite enjoy herself while we were out- she would call and check on the girls every hour. She and I spoke everyday about 8 times a day, if not more. She comforted me when H dropped the bomb, she calmed me down when I was hyperventilating... it makes me sick to think of all the deep feelings I shared with her.

I'm an only child- she was like my sister. In fact, we were able to 'fake' being actual sisters when she became very sick and I had to take her to the hospital.... I already knew her entire medical history and I was able to give the doctors a timeline of her issues- she and I look similar, so they never questioned that I wasn't her sister and they let me stay in the hospital with her (since her H was deployed.) I know this woman better than she knows herself and we were as close as two people could ever be.... how can she say to me: "but H is my friend too"... as if his friendship is more valuable than mine so she 'has a choice to make'????? This is what hurts the most!!

She's insecure, has major trust issues and low-confidence.... she when my H showed a little interest- it probably made her feel special, and she is desperate for attention. She views my H as the knight in shining armor that cares for her and her girls (apparently she forgets all the times that *I* stepped up more than him!) Even though I can understand why she was flattered.... it doesn't excuse her taking advantage of the first man who comes along- especially because he's my H!

I really hope that her insecurities become more prevalent to H (because he's not really experienced that side of her- and as a GF, she would be untrusting and jealous.) The other problem I have is that H never felt like *my* knight in shining armor- mostly my fault because I never let him help or 'save' me.... so he gets BIG ego boost from her through all her 'problems'.... I can see this lasting for a while because he's been desperate to feel needed and gain his self-confidence back.

Can you see why I'm really nervous that this could last for a while? They give each other what they've been lacking in their individual Ms.....

How do I compete with that? H won't let me *need* him anymore. I can't boost his self confidence by telling him 'how great he is' 'how good he looks'... but he gets that from her.

I'm still a mess over this sh!t. OW hasn't talked to me in 2 days- apparently her bishop at church told her to back away from me and H (but I found this out through H so she's *still* talking to him!) I haven't talked to her at all, and I haven't mentioned this sitch to H since Monday evening, when he said: "are we going to have to talk about this every time I see you?"... so I took the hint and have zipped my mouth (which I why you guys get all the stupid details and venting!) I've been able to go dim with H- and it doesn't feel good.

I want to be the 'bigger' person and show the confident, independent person that is opposite of her (the type of person that H always said he admired in me and why he fell in love with me)... but right now, I want to crawl under the covers and scream and cry for days!