Moving forward together and piecing

[Harrier]

First of all, I don't want to think I'm attacking you or anything. You have been given a great opportunity here (most who are on the boards would kill for) and I would hate to see that all go away because of one issue.

I don't know that it was shocking. But I do know that I didn't realize how much I was holding inside until I threw that glass. I've been holding things inside for a long time. I'm worried for me too, because I'm hurting that much.

I go by the rule of what would I say to my 5-year-old if he saw me do that. I guarantee if he saw me do that he would be freaked out.

His EA definitely dragged me right back to that place, of the pain I went through before with being cheated on, however I think some of that is normal. I went to therapy for a few years after my first M, and I did a lot of work on myself back then. I don't really give that much thought, or my first H, except to say that my current H knew about all of that pain I went through, and went on ahead and chose to cause me that same pain too. That's where I'm pretty much coming from, but I would not say I'm living directly in the past.

What did you back then to work on yourself? how did you get past it? Obviously, you didn't stay in the marriage of other reasons.

I think praying can do many things.... I witnessed a miracle this summer with prayer, witnessed a miracle with my daughter surviving her birth... I believe prayer can help me, but I also believe in helping myself too.

I guess I worded this wrong. Prayer can be powerful for a lot of people. But I guess what I was saying is that i don't think you can rely on prayer and prayer alone to get through the anger (you know this). It's going to take other things.

I was angry seeing them. He told me they were all gone and when they popped up again, it brought me back into the pain I had repressed from last summer. I get that his action was positive, and I'm glad he tossed them. I don't think this process is going to be cut and dried for me. I'm still feeling a storm inside of me.

I get that. I mean it's been over a year since I found out about my W's EA and I still get have a reaction when I hear a certain song. It's gotten ALOT better, so there is hope. I don't think it's like a light-switch to turn on or off. It's a progression.

Not so cut and dried for me. I'm still processing this, still trying. I can't stop what I'm feeling inside and shut it down. I have to handle it and address it, or I'm going to make myself more sick than I am now. Hair falling out, MS pain worsening, not sleeping well, anxiety attacks. After my appt yesterday, I've come to see how much I have held in, and how this must be faced. I will be dealing with it in a healthier manner, having a few appts with H before moving.... talking more openly about my anger, rather than reacting.

I'm not holding this over his head forever. It's been Sept, when I found out about his EA. This is still fresh for me. I don't know how to just shut my feelings off, as if it were a tap. Something I'll be working at...

First of all I don't think anyone is asking you to shut down your feelings. They are natural reactions that anyone would have. I mean we all are different on the spectrum of feelings of course. 4 months after my W's EA, I was not nearly in the state of anxiety I was in.

I think professionals used to think letting your anger out was healthy and a way to move things forward. I think people are coming around to the idea that anger just breeds more anger. (note there is a difference between letting the anger out and letting the feelings that cause that anger out)


[quote]There are lots of techniques to help get your anger under control.

Are you saying I should keep looking at OW's facebook? I'm confused. I don't think it's healthy to be going and checking her facebook... There is a lot that can trigger anger.... from what I understand.... in this process, sometimes we will feel like we are doing great, then suddenly something comes along that reminds us of the event.... and it hits without notice. I don't think I'm avoiding, I'm facing it head on.... but yeah I don't want to feel like I need to check her facebook...I want to put OW behind me... if I can't do that, how do I move on with my M.

Well exposure therapy can be effective for OCD patients. (My W is a psychologist and has done with in this field) But I'm not advocating it for you, nor would I suggest doing anything without the guidance of a good IC.

Thanks, I really appreciate the feedback.

What I see is someone who is taking a lot of blame and personal responsibility for your H's EA. Too much in my opinion. Yes we all have our roles, but you seem to think that your H was doing this intentionally to perhaps cause you pain (or so I gleened) But there might me 100s of other reason for the EA that have nothing to do with our or your self worth. You are the same worthy person that you were before the EA...Nothing has changed that. No the M issue, not the EA.