I think you need to set some boundaries as far as R talk goes. When he starts and you are not prepared or in the mood say something like "H, I would like to talk about this some more too but now is not a good time" or "H I'm not prepared to talk right now, I think we should schedule a time to talk so we both have our thoughts together and this could be more productive."
It may be hard at first as he may balk but it will get easier if you keep it up and he will begin to accept your boundary.
Stay consistent. Your detaching seems to be creating some results from the H. Keep it up and stay positive for you. Its a long journey...
"It's so hard to just keep going and saying 'I'm sorry. I don't know. I never meant to hurt you intentionally"
Your absolutely right. It is extremely hard to keep doing this. But its seems to be working. Keep it in your mind that your H's view of the past is tainted by whatever it is he's going through. He sees all your faults but shows no indication for taking any responsibility for his part in it (been there & still there myself). Just because he sees it that way doesn't mean that's the whole picture. I hope you can take some comfort in that to keep doing what you're doing. It seems to be working so good for you!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
He slept in bed with you last night!! That is awesome. That shows that shutting up worked. It brought him closer. He didnt sleep on the couch!!
He is questioning what he is doing but he needs to find the answers himself and that takes time. Right now you are just preventing him from jumping off a cliff and he is trying so hard to grab your arm and take you off the cliff with him.
Stay silent. Time is on your side. In the future you guys can discuss his relationship with OW but it is so futile to do it now - it will just take you off the cliff.
Listen to his feelings and validate. You are doing this for the kids - be strong for them!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Found out today (from a friend) that H and OW kissed! That's what freaked H out at first and he wanted to "confess" (with a made up story). I don't know if it should make any difference. I don't know if kissing is worse than being emotionally involved with someone, or fantasizing about a relationship with someone. I feel really down right now and don't know how to get through the next two days without losing it. H and OW work together, so there is no way he can avoid her. I feel like H is flipping back and forth on staying or leaving. Sometimes he says or does something that gives me hope, other days/times he is looking to validate his reasons to leave. Talking to friend helped me stay under control. He kept telling me not to believe anything and that OW is half the woman (she can't even be called a woman...geez..she's maybe 21?) and has no brain or personality. Just when you think you're at your lowest point, it gets worse. When will this end?
He probably is having trouble deciding what he wants to do, but it is not a competition between you and OW. OW is really irrelevant. H was willing to entertain OW because he felt there was something missing or wrong in your marriage. His decision is stay or go, not nhmom or OW. Does that make sense? Try to ignore OW, she's a gnat, an annoyance. Neither she nor anyone else is competition for you. You are the mother of his child, you know him better than anyone. Focusing on OW is a distraction. If he comes back to you and the underlying issues are not addressed, there will be another OW potentially down the line, and that's why you focus on the root cause and not the symptom.
Now that I've said that, THAT SUX! My W kissed several OM's and when I found out I was crushed. It hurts so badly, but it is not about you, and it doesn't reflect on you, it reflects on them, their weakness, and their bad judgement.
I wish my W's OM had been 21 and brainless -- I would have known it was a fantasy. My W's OM was serious competition, and that made things extremely hard. If there's a silver lining here, there it is.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
H had confessed to friend about the kissing. Apparently, H had realized at the time that he cared about S4 and wanted it to stop. H promised friend that he would put an end to it. However, he was too coward to tell me the truth and made up a fake story about meeting a woman in a bar and then exchanging texts. After H's fake story, I did all I could to overcome that and learn to forgive. I thought that we were doing so well. Then, H went on a business trip that I know OW went on, as well as a few others from work. It was a few days after that trip that he dropped the bomb. Makes me wonder what really happened on the trip. Even if nothing physical, did they start making plans for a future together?
Friend said that yesterday he pressed H to learn more because H had been keeping the bomb and stuff a secret from him. H told him that he had it all under control and that they were friends and told him to deal with it. Friend tried to find out whether more happened, and H told friend that H "barely cheated". You either cheat or you don't cheat, there is no "barely". Obviously he is in denial about everything. I remember stopping by H's work a couple of months ago and OW went to see person sitting next to husband. The image clearly stuck in my head and I can't get out of it. That was before I had any kind of suspicion and I'm not sure if it was before or after the kissing. It just makes me sick to my stomach. I used to work with H up until about a year ago, so many people know and I feel so disrespected. Friend said that they joke around and "fight" all day long. Friend says that it doesn't look good. H's boss thought about moving OW to the space next to H and asked friend what he thought of it, and apparently friend said it was a bad idea. So H's boss (who's also my former boss) probably thinks what they're doing is inappropriate. How ashamed I feel. And OW...bleh, big mouth and ugly face...I know I'm way better than that.
I totally understand how ashamed you feel. I felt/feel the same way. H and I share so many mutual friends through work and life. I can convince myself that they all must believe I am a monster cause my H "is such a good guy'.
So many people know about his thing with OW and know what good friends they are. I too had a feeling early on about OW. I went to visit my H at work one day with our girls and H reintroduced us, she said Hi but wont look me in the eye then she ran off quickly to do something. Something registered that day.
But my point is even though it stinks, acting like a Real Housewife of NH is not gonna make you more attractive to your H or your friends. Your friends will rally behind you the more dignified you can be.
Look at Maria Shriver. She is laying low and composing herself. When she does give an interview (probably with Oprah) it will be graceful and not angry. Her grace and dignity with make the Govonator look like even more of a ______ (fill in the blank)
PS I think barely cheating means he kissed her, which is kind of barely cheating, no?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
