W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2

[labug]

Snow, I have been a controlling, judgmental, angry, depressed fixer. I too know just where all that came from. I also now know that all those characteristics were defense mechanisms to keep my fears at bay, fear of rejection, fear of not having enough, fear of not being good enough, smart enough, yadda yadda. Defense mechanisms are good until they take over your life.

But the big truth is, I have to own those things, really own them. The person who passed on the control issues is not going to fix me. It's not my H's job, it's not my therapist's job, it's my job. I need to look at myself through H's lens and really see what he saw. It's the most difficult thing I think I've ever had to do because it's not pretty and it makes me understand just why he left. That scares me, because he had good reason and he may very well not come back. Do I wish he had talked more about what was bothering him? Sure. Would things have been any different? I don't know, I was so wrapped up in being right that I might have ignored it. I am where I am for a very good reason. To learn these lessons:

-hold the judgment
-when in doubt, go with the positive spin
-listen, listen, listen
-talk less
-think

I've really gotten a lot from this thread and will continue to follow. I hope the best for you and your family Thanks, all.

One other thing, believe it when the vets here say that when you feel the bite or the sting of a post, that's where the growth happens. It is so true. We have pain in our bodies for a reason, the same is true of our minds. Focus on where the pain is.